


And We Wait for Kingdom Come, With the Radio On

by HammerToFall



Series: Marauders Era [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23984083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HammerToFall/pseuds/HammerToFall
Summary: The war is escalating and everyone is starting to feel just a little bit lost.Sirius is falling apart in Remus's absence and James is desperately trying to keep them all afloat, whilst starting to re-evaluate his priorities now that he's going to be a father. No-one really knows what the hell is going on with the Order, and all they can do is trust in each other.This is the fourth part of my marauders-era series.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Marauders Era [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/979065
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Marauders 4!!! Finally here!!
> 
> This took a looong time to finish – seriously, I started writing it 2 years ago, as soon as I’d finished the previous fic in this series.
> 
> This is partially because I’m one of those people who doesn’t have a singular creative focus, but jumps constantly between multiple projects. But mainly it’s because the story wasn’t coming out the way I wanted it to. I have a chapter by chapter outline before I start writing of what I want to happen, including what important exposition is going to be peppered in. But for some reason in this fic, even though every chapter has an event or conversation that’s significant to the overarching plot, a lot of it was just feeling like filler.
> 
> I don’t know, maybe I’m too critical of my own work. Anyway, I FINALLY finished it, and I’m actually pretty pleased with the overall piece, even if some chapters don’t feel like my best.

_I’m taking the mission. Don’t ty to contact me. Don’t know when I’ll be back._

_For what it’s worth, NOTHING is more important than you. But I won’t be able to live with myself if I_

_don’t go._

_Love you. Stay safe._

_R x_

Sirius had read Remus’s note about a thousand times since he had left. He didn’t know why he kept going back to it. The message was pretty straightforward, it wasn’t as though there was any more information to be gleaned from multiple rereadings. He wondered if maybe the reason he couldn’t stop looking at it was because it was the only proof he had that Remus loved him. That and the magical photograph of the two of them on graduation day, which Sirius had taken down from the bedroom wall and taken to carrying around with him. They were stood by the lake in the grounds of the castle, both wearing graduation gowns and holding glasses of champagne. Remus’s arm was slung loosely around Sirius's waist while Sirius gave him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Remus was laughing, and as Sirius pulled his head back to grin at the camera, Remus muttered something to him. His head was turned towards Sirius rather than the camera, so you couldn’t tell from the photograph what Remus was saying, but Sirius didn’t need to. He remembered that moment perfectly. Remus was saying “Down boy, save it for when I’m fucking you later.” That explained why the Sirius in the picture nearly dropped his glass in surprise, and gave Remus another delighted kiss, this time on the lips. Remus clearly didn’t remember having said this, otherwise he would never have let Sirius put the photo up on the wall in the first place.

Remus had been gone for about two weeks on his secret mission, and Sirius was not coping particularly well. The flat felt horribly empty and devoid of life without him here, leaving half drunk cups of tea and open books all over the place. As a result, Sirius was spending a lot of time at James and Lily’s, but he had to come home eventually. When he was in the flat he just wandered aimlessly around, rereading the note every couple of hours and staring at the picture until the ache of longing got too intense and he had to put it away before he started crying.

If he had witnessed this sort of behaviour in James or Peter, or even in Remus back in the day he would have soundly kicked their arse for being so pathetic. But now he was actually starting to wonder if he should have gone a little easier on James back at school when he was pining over Lily. Having the person you love just out of reach was nothing short of agony. And he had never felt quite so alone.

He folded up the note again and slotted it into his back pocket, looking at the clock. Lily had told him to come over whenever, but in the interest of giving her and James some space he had told himself he wouldn’t go before 4pm. It was now 3.47pm and his resolve was crumbling. The sun was due to set in about half an hour, meaning that wherever Remus was right now, he would be transforming in half an hour.

“Fuck it” Sirius muttered to himself, marching over to the fireplace and grabbing a handful of floo powder. When he climbed out into James and Lily’s living room on the other side, the two of them were sat facing each other on the sofa, having what looked like a rather serious conversation. Sirius didn’t need to wonder particularly hard about what the subject was likely to be.

“Alright, you can stop talking about me. I’m here” Sirius said gruffly, as he swept the soot off himself.

“We weren’t talking about you, Mr self-involved” James shot back.

“You’re a terrible liar” Sirius laughed. “You know you could just ASK me how I’m doing, instead of speculating.”

“Alright” Lily said, surveying him carefully. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine” Sirius shrugged, sinking down into the armchair. Lily and James exchanged an exasperated look.

“And that’s why we have to speculate” Lily told him. “You’re not such a great liar yourself.”

“Well, what do you WANT me to say?” Sirius asked irritably. “The man I love fucking walked out on me – of course I’m not fine. But do you really want me to sit here all night and go on about it.”

“If it makes you feel better” Lily replied gently.

“It doesn't ” Sirius muttered. “Can we just talk about something else? _Please.”_

“Fine” James said rolling his eyes. ”We’ve been talking about plans for the wedding” he offered.

“Oh yeah?” Sirius replied, fumbling in his pocket for his cigarettes.

“We want to do it sooner, rather than later” Lily added. “Before I get too big. So pretty much as soon as Moony gets back.”

Sirius frowned. That would be somewhat difficult to organise, given that none of them knew when he was coming back. He pulled a cigarette out of the packet and lit it. James slid the ashtray on the coffee table over towards him.

“Alright. So what do you need me to do?” Sirius asked, exhaling his smoke away from Lily.

“Nothing at the moment” Lily told him. “We're talking to Dumbledore and Moody about a venue, obviously we'll need order protection.”

“But it’s never too early to start planning the stag do” James said, grinning that familiar, mischievous smile that Sirius hadn’t seen in quite some time. It cheered him up significantly.

“One last wild night of debauchery before you settle down and become a boring old sod” Sirius smiled back. “Mind you, you never really were one to partake in debauchery anyway, were you?”

“No, that was always much more _your_ area” James shot back.

“Well it’s a good job I’m planning it then, isn’t it?” Sirius replied. “Any ground rules from the fiancée?” he asked Lily.

“Try not to kill him” she shrugged.

“No promises” Sirius said, winking at James. “How about handcuffing him naked to a lamppost? Too far?” Lily laughed and James looked momentarily horrified, until Sirius laughed too.

“Hey, as long as you bring him back in one piece, it’s fair game” Lily said, holding her hands up.

“Well, that gives us quite a bit of room to play with” Sirius grinned at James.

“Hey, be nice” James said warningly. “I’m your adopted brother, remember?”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure Wormtail won’t let me do anything _too_ horrible to you” Sirius told him. “Speaking of which, I haven’t seen him since the funeral, have you?”

“He stopped by last week” Lily replied. “Seemed a bit stressed, didn’t he?” she added to James.

“Aren’t we all?” James shrugged, seeming unconcerned by the matter.

“He’s been working a lot, I think” Lily mused. “You know, trying to keep busy.”

“Aren’t we all” Sirius muttered.

A long silence followed, in which the atmosphere in the room thickened and Sirius’s mood sunk down with it. He should have known they wouldn’t be able to have anything resembling a light-hearted conversation. Apparently not without James and Lily interrogating him first. He could feel their eyes on him, but he resolutely stared at his cigarette, determined not to rise to it.

“Sirius...” James tentatively began, Sirius frowned at him.

“ _What?_ ” he asked defensively. James scowled resignedly.

“We were thinking...” He shot a look at Lily, and she nodded encouragingly. “Maybe you should stay here for a while. You know, until he gets back.”

“Fuck, am I really that pathetic?” Sirius replied with a grim laugh.

“Well, yeah, kind of” James shrugged. Sirius laughed again.

“Well thank you, for THAT. But you don’t want me here, in your way. Trust me, I’m not a lot of fun at the moment.”

“It must be lonely there, without him” Lily said gently.

“I don’t mind being by myself” Sirius lied. James scowled at him again.

“Mate, I’ve known you for eight years and you’ve NEVER been OK being by yourself” he said incredulously. “We had to get those two way mirrors because you couldn’t stand doing detention alone.”

Sirius was starting to get annoyed now. He didn’t need the two of them fussing over him like this, making him feel even more pitiful.

“What is it you think is going to happen if you’re not there to supervise me?” he said irritably. “I’m not going to _kill myself_ , so you can calm down.”

“Sirius, that’s not funny” Lily said quietly.

“That’s not what we're worried about” James said sternly. “But we DO think you might do something stupid.”

“Like what?!” Sirius demanded.

“Like try and go after him, I don’t know” James replied, gesticulating wildly.

Sirius stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray, probably with slightly more force than was necessary, scattering ash all over the table. He couldn’t deny that the thought HAD crossed his mind once or twice.

“Even if I wanted to” Sirius replied darkly. “I’d have no idea where to even start. I don’t know where he _is_ , remember?”

“So you might storm Dumbledore’s office to try and find out” James suggested. “I _know_ you, Sirius. Or maybe you'll go to his parents, to see if they know anything.”

“They don’t” Sirius muttered, not meeting his eye.

“See, this is exactly what I was talking about!” James scolded him. “What are you _doing_ , talking to his parents?”

“Well it doesn’t matter, anyway” Sirius replied stubbornly. “He told them the same thing he told me. Which is nothing.”

“Sirius, you need to _deal_ with the fact that he’s gone” James said seriously.

“I AM dealing with it!” Sirius snapped. “What do you WANT from me?”

“We want you to be OK” James said, looking concerned again.

“Well I’m NOT” Sirius said loudly, putting both of his hands over his face and taking a deep breath, trying to pull himself together. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He peeked out from in between his hands to see Lily stood in front of him. She gave him a grim smile before enveloping him in a hug.

-

Sirius woke up tangled in blankets on the sofa the next day. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at the clock. It was midday.

“Fuck, what time did we go to bed?” he muttered to himself, jumping out of his skin when Lily replied from behind him.

“Around three-ish, I think” she said calmly. Sirius hauled himself up into a sitting position to peer over the back of the sofa. Lily was sat at the writing desk behind it, apparently writing a letter.

“How long have you been there?” he asked suspiciously.

“I don’t know, half an hour maybe” she shrugged, not looking up. “You talk in your sleep.”

“I do not” Sirius replied moodily, slouching back down onto the sofa.

“It’s sweet” Lily said. He could hear the smirk, even though he wasn’t looking at her.

“Why are you so cheery?” he demanded, stretching sleepily.

“We made it through the night” she said. Sirius took a second to reflect on that.

“Yeah. I guess we did” he agreed.

“You didn’t do anything crazy. You and James didn’t kill each other. I’d say it was a resounding success all in all.”

“Yeah” Sirius smiled grimly. “Apart from all the crying and self-pity it was great.”

“Well, crying and self pity comes with the territory with you, doesn’t it?” Lily said off-handedly.

“You wound me Evans” Sirius replied lazily, beginning to fold up the blankets.

“Hey, how are you doing today?” she asked seriously. Sirius turned his head to look at her and she had put down her quill, giving him her full attention. He huffed out a small laugh.

“If I said fine would you believe me?” he said.

“No” she replied simply. Sirius could still feel her eyes on him as he moved the now-folded blanket to the end of the sofa.

“Alright” he sighed, looking back at her. “Slightly less awful than yesterday, how’s that?”

“Better” she smiled.

“Hmmm” he grunted in response as he shuffled towards the kitchen. He stared out of the window into the back garden as he made two cups of tea. James and Lily’s place was remarkably similar to James’s parents’ house. Sirius thought that was part of the reason he felt so at home here. Their little back garden was somewhat barren at the moment, with a dusting of frost over the grass. But in summer it would be full of flowers, just like the garden that Mrs Potter had so carefully tended to. Sirius gave a deep sigh as he turned his attention back to the cups in front of him, trying to push that thought to the back of his mind. He had had just about enough of all these _feelings_.

He picked up the two cups of tea and went back into the living room, manoeuvring the door open with his hip. Lily smiled at him as he silently placed one of the cups down in front of her and looked over her shoulder. She was writing a letter to her sister.

“Thought you two weren’t on the best of terms, after the funeral” Sirius said quietly.

“We're not” Lily sighed. “But she’s still my sister. And I want my baby to know their cousin.”

Sirius had no response to that. He wasn’t sure he completely understood why Lily insisted on keeping in regular contact with a sister who she seemed to hate, but he wasn’t really in any position to judge the way anyone interacted with their family.

“Oh, you got a letter this morning” Lily said, apparently just remembering. She gestured to a stack of papers next to her which did indeed have a small, unopened envelope on top. Sirius picked it up while taking a sip of his tea. It was addressed to him in Dumbledore’s handwriting.

“Shit...” he muttered, walking back around to sit on the sofa, placing his cup of tea down on the coffee table. He tore open the envelope and warily unfolded the letter. It couldn’t be news of someone’s death, otherwise James and Lily would have gotten a similar letter at the same time. But Dumbledore never wrote with _good_ news.

_Sirius,_

_I need to know when you last had contact with Regulus. Anything that you may know about his current whereabouts or known associates may be important. Please respond as a matter of urgency. If you would prefer, we may meet at headquarters this evening to discuss the matter._

_Regards_

_Albus Dumbledore_

“What’s it say?” Lily asked as he read.

“He wants to know where Reg is” Sirius replied frowning. “You know anything about this?” he asked, twisting around again to face her. Lily looked puzzled.

“No” she said seriously, putting her quill down again. “Shouldn’t he be at home, for Christmas?”

“Hmmm” Sirius replied, his brow furrowed, re-reading the letter. If Dumbledore was asking about his whereabouts that implied he was neither at Hogwarts nor at Grimmauld Place. That didn’t bode well. Where else would he be?

“Something must have happened, if Dumbledore is worried” he said darkly, throwing the letter down onto the table beside his tea. “That little shit has gotten himself into something.”

“We don’t know that” Lily said carefully, walking around to sit next to him on the sofa, picking up the letter and reading it for herself. “Maybe he’s just staying with friends. Maybe he had a fight with your mum.”

“So then why is Dumbledore getting involved?” Sirius said broodingly. “No. Something’s happened.”

“You’re going to go and meet with him later, right?” Lily asked, looking back to Sirius.

“Of course” he replied. “I’ve got nothing to tell him, I don’t know where the kid is, but I’ve got a few questions of my own. Whether he’s heard from Remus at all, for a start.”

Lily nodded approvingly.

“I hope he’s alright” Sirius went on quietly. “His knee won’t heal easily if he breaks it again...”

“I’m sure he’s OK” Lily told him firmly. “We’d have heard, if he wasn’t.”

“You reckon?” Sirius asked darkly. He had long ago surmised that Dumbledore didn’t particularly give a shit about his feelings, and would most definitely prioritise the integrity of the order’s work over Sirius and Remus’s relationship. Or Sirius’s sanity, for that matter.

“Yes, I do” Lily replied with conviction. “If he was really hurt he’d have to come back, wouldn’t he? He’d be in hospital, or something. So we’d know.”

Sirius supposed that was true, but it didn’t really stop him from worrying. Worrying about Remus, in one way or another, was what he had done for pretty much the entire time he had known him.

“What if he’s just a little bit hurt?” Sirius countered. “A broken arm or something?”

“He’s broken his arm about a million times” Lily said patting Sirius’s knee consolingly. “He can handle it. He’ll be _fine_ , Pads.”

“YOU don’t know that!” he snapped. Lily looked rather alarmed and Sirius ran a hand backwards through his hair, sighing deeply.

“Sorry” he muttered. “I just... FUCK, I feel so useless.”

“I know” Lily said, patting his knee again.

Sirius picked up his tea from the table, casting a furtive glance at the clock and lamenting the fact that it was too early to pour a slug of firewhisky into his drink. It was going to be a long day.

-

Sirius apparated into the order headquarters at seven o'clock that evening. He could see a flickering light from the fire in the living room, and entered to find Dumbledore sat casually in a large armchair awaiting him. The only light in the room was coming from the fireplace, so the scene looked rather dramatic. Or it would at least if Dumbledore didn’t look perfectly at ease, sipping on what appeared to be a glass of egg nog.

“Ah, Sirius, please take a seat” Dumbledore gestured to the sofa opposite him. “Would you like a drink?”

“No, no thanks” Sirius replied, perching on the edge of the sofa and leaning forward, elbows on his knees. “I’d rather just get right to it.”

“As you wish” Dumbledore gave him a curt nod, putting his drink on the side and looking business-like. “You said in your letter that you haven’t had any direct contact with Regulus in two years?”

“We haven't exactly been on speaking terms for quite some time” Sirius told him flatly. “Last time we spoke was at school – just after Lily was attacked outside the Slytherin common room. We’ve discussed this before.”

“You and I have not” Dumbledore said, surveying Sirius over the top of his glasses. “James and Remus gave a brief recount at the meeting, and I believe that you discussed the incident with Alastor.”

“You want a first hand account of what happened?” Sirius asked suspiciously. “Why?”

“I believe it may be important” Dumbledore replied simply.

“You mean you think there’s more to it than what James and Remus told you?” Sirius asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Is there?” Dumbledore asked. His tone was still quite calm but Sirius could tell he was starting to get a little frustrated. Sirius tended to have that effect on people in positions of authority. And he wasn’t about to make this easy for Dumbledore, not when he was currently withholding so much information.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what they told you” Sirius replied, eyeing Dumbledore carefully. A crease appeared between his eyebrows, which Sirius took as a victory.

“I would like for you to take this seriously” Dumbledore said, the annoyance clear in his tone now. “I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t important.”

“Look, I don’t know what to tell you” Sirius said, sitting back and doing nothing to mask his own annoyance. “You want to know if my brother is a death eater? I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was. But if he was, he wouldn’t tell me about it.”

Dumbledore frowned at him, and Sirius drew his wand and put the tip to his temple. He thought hard about that argument he had had with Regulus, outside the Slytherin common room. Dumbledore realised what he was doing and conjured a small vial, holding it out to Sirius to put the memory into. He did so, carefully dropping the pearlescent liquid into the vial and handing it back to Dumbledore.

“See for yourself” he muttered. “Apologies in advance for the colourful language.”

“Thank you, Sirius” Dumbledore said, calm again as he sealed the bottle and pocketed it.

“So what’s happened?” Sirius asked baldly. “Why are you asking about this now? What has he done?”

Dumbledore paused for a second, looking at Sirius appraisingly. Sirius scowled back, ready to argue if necessary.

“Regulus has dropped out of Hogwarts” Dumbledore said finally. “He wrote to me to say that he is no longer interested in pursuing his NEWTs and will not be returning after Christmas.”

“Oh, fuck” Sirius whispered. That REALLY wasn’t good. Reg was a complete teacher's pet, being as scared of authority as he was. He practically lived in the library, both at home and at school. There was no way he'd drop out unless someone made him.

“Indeed” Dumbledore replied grimly. “So you understand my concern.”

Sirius nodded, his mind racing. It was dangerous to jump to conclusions, everyone was always telling him that. But he could only think of one plausible explanation.

“What about indirect contact?” Dumbledore asked. “Have you heard anything at all about Regulus? Perhaps through another family member?”

“You’re kidding right?” Sirius asked incredulously. “Reg was probably the person I was on the best terms with, out of my extended family. Well, except Andromeda I guess, but she’s even further out of the loop than I am.”

“Did no one reach out to you after the death of your father?” Dumbledore asked. Sirius scowled again. He considered that a bit of a low blow.

“No” he snapped. “I’m not part of that family anymore.”

Dumbledore had no response to that. He steepled his fingers and peered over them into the fire, looking like he was deep in thought.

“Have you spoken to Wallaburga?” Sirius asked, frowning.

“I have attempted to make contact” Dumbledore replied. “She refuses to see me.”

Sirius couldn’t say that he was surprised by that. His mother was getting increasingly deranged in her old age, and last Sirius had heard she was refusing to speak to anyone outside of the sacred 28. Even if it weren't for the whole blood traitor issue, she wouldn't have liked anyone poking their nose into family business anyway. And there was a possibility that she didn't even know where Reg was, if he was off doing what they thought he was.

“So what now then?” Sirius demanded, sitting forward again.

“I will keep trying to track Regulus down” Dumbledore said calmly.

“And what if you find him? What if he _is_ working for Voldemort? What then?” Sirius probed.

“I will offer him a chance to come to our side” Dumbledore replied.

“And if he doesn’t?” Sirius asked desperately. He knew full well that the answer to that couldn’t be anything good, but the question had been torturing him for a long time before this meeting. He needed to know.

“Then I cannot save him” Dumbledore said gently. “And neither can you.”

“FUCK” Sirius said loudly. “This isn’t right! I should be the one to-“

“Sirius, you are NOT to go looking for Regulus, do you understand me?” Dumbledore cut him off sternly. “You would be placing yourself and the order in great danger by doing so. And you may endanger your brother as well. Do NOT do anything rash.”

“Define rash” Sirius scowled. Dumbledore did not look impressed.

“I mean it Sirius, this is NOT a job for you. I will handle it.”

They both stared at each other for a long time, Dumbledore authoritative and Sirius resentful, the fire crackling in the background.

“You are to stay with James. You will not try to contact Regulus or any other member of your family about this matter. Are we clear?” Dumbledore said firmly, not breaking eye contact.

“Crystal” Sirius replied, still staring defiantly back at him.

“Very well” Dumbledore said, standing up.

“Wait!” Sirius cried. “Before you go, is Remus OK?” Sirius looked up at him hopefully, praying that his loss of temper regarding Reg hadn't jeopardized his chances of getting any information about Remus. Dumbledore’s expression softened a little, but his expression was fairly neutral as he responded.

“I have not had any contact with Remus since he left. But I have no reason to believe that he is hurt.”

“You don’t know _anything_?” Sirius asked incredulously. “It was the full moon last night and you haven’t contacted him at all?”

“Remus is not somewhere that he can be easily reached” Dumbledore replied, sounding a tad annoyed again. “But the news would have reached me if there was a problem, I am sure.”

“Oh, you’re sure are you?” Sirius demanded. That wasn’t anywhere near good enough in his opinion. “So Remus could be DEAD right now, but we’re just going with the whole ‘no news is good news’ approach?!”

“Remus is undertaking important work for the order” Dumbledore told him, now sounding more annoyed than ever. “He knew the risks involved when he accepted the mission, one of them being that there would be no contact with anyone while he is away. You are just going to have to accept that, Sirius.”

“You don’t even care, do you?” Sirius asked disbelievingly.

“Of course I care” Dumbledore said loudly, towering over Sirius where he was still sat on the sofa. Sirius could tell he’d crossed some sort of line with that one. “Despite what you may think Sirius, I DO have a plan. I have not merely sent Remus off to the slaughter. And I AM monitoring the situation. I would appreciate a little faith from you in this matter.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say to that. He was by no means happy about the situation, but he couldn’t really argue the point any further.

“Now I suggest you go back to James’s and calm down” Dumbledore said coldly. “And remember what we discussed. You will NOT go looking for Regulus” he added before striding out of the room. Sirius heard him disapparate in the hallway.

“Fucking bastard” Sirius muttered, digging his cigarettes out of his jacket pocket.


	2. Reaching Out

“He’s been gone for a while” James said to Lily, glancing at the clock as he re-entered the living room after taking their dishes from dinner into the kitchen. Sirius had left for his meeting with Dumbledore a little over two hours ago and whatever it was they were discussing really shouldn’t have taken that long. James was starting to get worried.

“Maybe he’s gone somewhere with Dumbledore” Lily suggested, looking up at him from the sofa. James wasn’t fooled by her nonchalant tone. She looked worried too.

“I don’t think so” James said slowly. “Dumbledore would have let us know, surely, if they were going to be this long.”

“You don’t think...?” Lily tailed off. James knew exactly what the end of that sentence was.

“If Sirius was right, if Reg _is_ in some kind of trouble...” he looked at Lily seriously. “Yes. I do think.”

“He’s not that stupid” Lily said. James could tell she was hoping for this to be the case, rather than actually believing it to be true.

“Are we talking about the same person?” James asked incredulously. “Because the Sirius I know definitely IS that stupid. Especially where his brother is concerned. Ask him about that big scar on his hand sometime.”

“Reg did that to him?” Lily asked, looking alarmed.

“No, he did it to himself” James shook his head. Now was not the time to start recounting stories of mad shit that Sirius had done at school. “Look, it doesn’t matter. I’m worried. I’m going to go to headquarters, see if he’s still there.”

“Yeah, OK” Lily replied, looking pensive. “Yeah, maybe he and Dumbledore are still there. Just talking.”

“Yeah, maybe” James agreed. He thought it unlikely, but was holding off on panicking just yet. If Sirius _had_ run off somewhere then James was going to need to keep his head on straight.

He gave Lily a quick kiss on the forehead before grabbing his coat from the hallway and going outside. He had to walk across to the other side of the street, out of range of the protective enchantments in order to disapparate. More out of habit than anything he cast a furtive look around as he did so, but the street was deserted.

He apparated into the hallway at the order headquarters. The place was silent, but he could see some light from the living room, where the door was slightly ajar, and headed towards it. He was vastly relieved when he pushed the door open to see Sirius sat on the sofa, staring broodingly into the dying fire. Sirius didn’t even look up as James entered the room and he felt a flare of annoyance.

“What are you still doing here?” James demanded. “We were getting worried.”

“Sorry, _mother_ ” Sirius muttered in response, still not looking at him. James scowled.

“Less of the attitude” James snapped back. “Me and Lily are doing our best to look after you here.”

“I didn’t fucking ask you to!” Sirius hissed, finally looking up at James. “Shit” he added under his breath, as he picked up a packet of cigarettes from the floor in front of him. James watched as he pulled one out and lit it, before snatching the packet from him.

“Of course you didn't” he retorted, lighting a cigarette for himself. “Because you never do. But I’ve known you for long enough to be able to see when you need it.”

“Apparently not long enough to see when I want to be left the hell alone” Sirius muttered. James wanted to make some sort of snappy comeback, but arguing wasn’t going to get them anywhere. He settled for shooting Sirius a dirty look while taking a long drag of his cigarette.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” he asked eventually. Sirius didn’t answer straight away and went back to staring into the fire.

“Pads” he said softly, sitting next to him on the sofa. “Please?”

Sirius sighed deeply.

“Reg has dropped out of school” he said quietly.

“Oh, fuck” James muttered.

“Yeah. That’s what I said” Sirius replied flatly.

“Well” James ran a hand through his hair, feeling a little helpless. “It doesn’t necessarily mean that...”

“What? Doesn’t mean what?” Sirius demanded, flaring up again. “You might as well say it, James. Because we both know exactly what it means, don’t we?”

“Fuck!” James exclaimed. Why was it there was never just one problem at a time to deal with? Why was it that everything bad that happened always seemed to be the start of some sort of cascade? First Remus and now Regulus. Why couldn’t people at least stagger it when they decided to fuck up Sirius’s life?

“It’s not like we didn’t all know that this day was coming, right?” Sirius said darkly. “I don't know why I’m even surprised. I mean, Remus said it to me right before he left. That Reg would sell us all out to Voldemort. And that’s why I don’t know where he is. The irony being that now I don’t even fucking know where Reg is either. FUCK.”

James flinched involuntarily as Sirius yelled. He could tell that Sirius was gathering momentum, which wasn’t good. He ought to cut him off now before he built up too much steam, but he had no idea what to say. It wasn’t like any of the things Sirius was saying were untrue.

“How did everything get so fucked?!” Sirius said loudly, gesturing wildly. “What did I fucking do to drive everyone away like this? Why does no-one fucking _trust_ me?!”

“Sirius” James said pleadingly, grabbing hold of one of his hands. “This isn’t about _you_ , alright? None of this is your fault.”

“Then why has everyone fucking left me?” Sirius replied, his voice starting to get high pitched.

“I haven’t left you” James said firmly. “Look at me, Pads. I’m here.” James tried to tilt Sirius’s head to face him, but Sirius was slapping his hands away. He had started crying.

“How could he just fucking leave me?” Sirius said, starting to sob. “I love him so much, James. How could he do this to me?”

James understood. This wasn’t really about Regulus at all. Sirius continued to try and push James off of him, but without any real conviction. James quickly managed to pull him into a hug, holding him tightly and refusing to let go.

“I know” he said softly. “It’s alright. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re the only fucking person in my life who’s never let me down” Sirius choked.

“Now that’s not true” James replied gently. “Wormy would never do anything to get on your bad side.”

Sirius shook his head, with some difficulty, due to the tight grip James still had on him.

“In fifth year he threw me under the bus after the custard prank. He didn’t want to get detention because he had a fucking date with that Hufflepuff bird” Sirius said thickly. “Traitorous little shit” he added, as James started to laugh.

“OK, what I’m taking from that is that you can hold a grudge for a very long time” he said, ruffling Sirius’s hair. Sirius attempted to wrestle him off again but James wouldn’t let him go.

“What about Lily?” he asked. “She’s never let you down, has she?”

Sirius apparently took some time to think about that one, his sobs subsiding slightly as he was distracted by the question.

“No” he said finally. “I guess she hasn’t.”

“Well there you go” James replied. “There’s at least two people in your life who care about you, and want to look out for you. If you’d fucking let us.”

“What if he doesn’t come back James?” Sirius asked desperately.

“Are we talking Remus or Reg, here?” James asked.

“Remus, obviously” Sirius said impatiently. “Fuck Reg, he’s burnt his fucking bridges with me.”

James knew that he didn’t really mean that, but didn't think it wise to refute it at the moment.

“Of course he’s coming back” James said consolingly. “The hard bit is over. We made it through the full moon. He’ll be home before you know it.”

Sirius didn’t say anything, but continued to sniffle in James’s arms.

“Hey, did Dumbledore not say anything about Remus, when you talked to him?” James asked, suddenly remembering. Sirius shook his head.

“Says he hasn’t heard from him at all.”

“Is that bad?” James asked warily.

“He said he’d have heard if Remus was really hurt, or something” Sirius replied flatly. James could tell that Sirius didn’t believe this. James had to admit, it didn’t sound particularly reassuring.

“I feel so fucking useless” Sirius muttered. James gave him a squeeze.

“Me too mate” he replied quietly.

-

Sirius remained fairly subdued after the meeting with Dumbledore and his subsequent breakdown about it all. Both Lily and James were very careful not to bring up either Remus’s absence or Regulus’s existence in front of him, and James kept a close eye on Sirius, looking out for any warning signs that he might do something crazy. However, there didn’t seem to be any. It was like all the fight had gone out of him. He just stood staring blankly out of the window looking completely lost for hours on end. It was like living with a ghost, half the time. On the plus side though, he hadn’t gotten worked up or picked a fight ever since that night. Even as the days turned into weeks, and Christmas was fast approaching.

James didn't quite know what to do with Christmas this year. With his parents gone, and now Lily’s too, it didn’t have quite the same atmosphere of festive cheer that it usually did. Especially with Remus’s continued absence hanging over them all, and James and Lily’s growing concern for Sirius’s sanity. They had gotten a tree – it sat in the corner of the living room, covered in bright tinsel and twinkling lights, looking distinctly out of place. James had tried to make it feel a little more festive by wrapping some presents and putting them under it, but it didn’t really make much difference. None of them felt much like celebrating.

Remus had now been gone for about five weeks, and James was sure he wasn’t the only one who thought he would have been back by now. The next full moon was only a week away, and James didn't even want to contemplate what it would do to Sirius’s nerves if he wasn’t back home for it. And besides anything else, surely Remus would come home for Christmas?

However, the day got closer and closer, with no word whatsoever from him. James found himself getting increasingly desperate with every passing day, and he could tell that Sirius was getting more and more restless. He came downstairs on the morning of Christmas eve to find Sirius pacing up and down the darkened living room.

“You’re up early” James said tentatively.

“So are you” Sirius replied flatly, stopping his pacing with what looked like a great amount of effort. James offered him a grim smile.

“Not sleeping too well at the minute. I’m guessing you’re not either.”

“I’ll make some coffee, shall I?” Sirius said by way of response, shuffling towards the kitchen. James followed him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, as Sirius filled up the kettle.

“No. I really don't” Sirius said without turning around, taking two large mugs out of the cupboard.

“It’s just...” James wasn’t sure whether he ought to press Sirius on this, but the pressure of NOT talking about it was starting to get to him. “I really thought he’d be back by now. Did he not say he’d only be gone for one full moon?”

“I think he said _at least_ one” Sirius said gruffly, still not looking at James and busying himself with the coffee. “That could mean more than one.”

“Yeah but, it’s Christmas” James said. “He wouldn't stay away over Christmas, would he?”

“Look, I don’t know what he would or wouldn’t do anymore” Sirius said impatiently, as the kettle started whistling. “I’m starting to feel like I don’t know him at all.” He poured the hot water into the mugs, stirring with slightly more force that was probably necessary, splashing coffee onto the counter.

“Pads...” James said consolingly.

“No. Stop it” Sirius said, turning around and handing one of the mugs to James. He stalked back out into the living room and James followed him again. Sirius slumped down onto the sofa, picking his jeans up from the floor next to it and digging around in the pocket for something. He pulled out a rather tattered photograph and handed it to James.

“That’s the Remus I thought I knew” he said as James straightened out the picture, which was curling at the edges. “THAT Remus wouldn’t do _this_ to us” he went on. “To me. That Remus loved me. But the one who left us...” Sirius shook his head looking defeated.

James sighed pensively and looked down at the photograph. It was Remus and Sirius on graduation day, and James smiled as the Sirius in the picture planted a kiss on a happy-looking Remus's cheek. They looked so carefree. And _young_. How was it possible that they had all aged so much in just eighteen months?

“This IS the Remus that we know” James replied firmly, handing him back the photo. Sirius looked at it wistfully.

“It’s not though. The Remus we know now is off on some top secret mission, not giving a shit about the fact that I’m falling apart here without him.”

James didn't know what to say to that. He was saved the necessity of having to think of a response however, by Lily entering the room wearing her dressing gown and squinting slightly.

“Why are you two up so early?” she asked, shuffling through the room towards the kitchen.

“No reason” Sirius muttered, making to put the photo back in his jeans pocket, but James took it from him instead.

“Here, Lils, come and look at this” he called to her. She emerged from the kitchen carrying a small potion bottle.

“Heartburn” she said, in response to James’s puzzled look. “It’s a pregnancy thing.” She took a swig from the bottle before peering over James’s shoulder at the photograph.

“Oh my god” she exclaimed, looking delighted and taking the photo from James’s hands to take a closer look. “Oh, you two are _adorable_.”

“Give me that” Sirius muttered, snatching the photo from her, looking slightly embarrassed.

“He’ll be home soon” she said gently. “It can’t be long, now.”

“We were just talking about that” James told her. “Do you think he’ll come? Tomorrow?”

Lily hesitated, casting a concerned glance at Sirius.

“I don’t know” she said quietly. “I’m sure he wants to, but maybe he can’t. Let’s not get our hopes up.”

James nodded. He and Sirius sipped their coffee in silence for a few minutes while Lily sat in the armchair opposite them.

“Let me have another look at that photo” she smiled, reaching out a hand to Sirius.

“No, not if you’re going to take the piss out of me” he said indignantly.

“Who’s taking the piss?” she replied innocently. “I said you look cute. That’s a compliment.”

“It’s patronising.”

“Alright. You look very manly and domineering. How’s that?”

“OK, _now_ you’re taking the piss.”

Their squabble was interrupted by a tapping on the window. James got up to go and open the curtain, to see a large owl clutching a letter in its talons. He opened the window to take the letter and the owl dropped it into his hands, immediately flying off again. James watching it go, a little taken aback. When he closed the window and turned back towards the others, Sirius was looking ashen-faced. James looked down at the letter. Sure enough, it was addressed to Sirius, in a neat script that he didn’t recognise.

“You know what this is?” James asked Sirius, handing the letter to him.

“That was Ara” Sirius replied quietly, turning the envelope over in his hands a few times. “The family owl.”

“As in, the Black family owl?” Lily asked. Sirius nodded.

James and Lily exchanged an uneasy look. This couldn’t possibly be anything good. They really didn’t need this right now, on top of everything else.

“It’s not going to be a curse, is it?” James asked warily.

“Wouldn't have gotten through the enchantments if it was” Sirius replied. “Anyway, that’s not her handwriting. It’s Reg’s.”

James and Lily exchanged another dark look while Sirius continued to stare blankly at the envelope in his hands.

“Are you going to open it?” Lily asked after a few minutes. Sirius sighed.

“I’m going to have to, aren’t I?” he said quietly. “Dumbledore will need to know about this, if nothing else.”

“OK...” Lily said, looking confused. “So what’s the problem.”

Sirius looked agitated. He held the letter in one hand and tapped it against his leg a few times.

“The problem is I don’t really WANT to open it” he said. “What can it possibly say that I want to hear?”

“Do you want me to read it?” James offered. Sirius looked pained.

“I don’t know” he said, looking down at the envelope again.

“Do you want to put it away?” Lily asked. “Deal with it another time?”

“No” Sirius replied. He took a deep breath, looking like he was steeling himself for it.

“Fuck it” he muttered, tearing open the envelope. James leaned over to read the letter with him.

_Sirius,_

_You’re probably quite surprised to hear from me. I know that I would be enormously surprised if I were to receive a letter from you after all these years. We didn’t exactly part ways amicably. I am aware that it is counter productive to assign blame for these sorts of things, but even you must be able to see that this is largely your doing. I still considered you my brother for a long time after you had cut the whole family out of your life. In some ways I still do, despite how things have turned out. I know that you don’t consider yourself a Black anymore, but you were once. I wonder if you remember that._

_You’re probably wondering why I have written to you. I must confess, I’m not entirely sure myself. There is a good chance that after writing this letter I will burn it and never send it. Or that even if I do send it you will tear it up and never read it. I don't suppose I could blame you if you did. And even if you didn’t, if you are reading this right now, I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve. Perhaps I’m just conscious of the fact that this may be my last chance to reach out to you._

_So why am I reaching out? That is a difficult question to answer. I am sure that the news will reach you sooner or later that I am not continuing my NEWT studies. I wouldn’t care to get into the politics of the matter, but I do know that you are associated in some capacity with Albus Dumbledore. He has tried to contact me and expressed concern in my decision to halt my education at this juncture. I would like for you to know that this is not a decision that I have taken lightly. What I am doing now is much more important than higher education._

_Why should you care about this? Perhaps you don’t. But on the off chance that you do, I should like for you to know that I am doing what I consider to be the right thing. And as rash as my actions may seem to you, I do have a plan. I don't expect you to trust me, but I wish that you would Sirius. I wish that we could understand each other. I wish I could explain and that you would really hear what I am saying, for once._

_But we don’t always get what we want. You and I know that better than most._

_This letter probably makes very little sense to you. Perhaps I really won’t send it after all. But if I do, I suppose what I truly want is for you to know that I don’t hate you, Sirius. And I hope that you don’t hate me, even if we don’t see eye to eye. There is a good chance we shall never see each other again. And I suppose I just wanted to say one last time that you will always be my brother, for whatever that means to either of us. I regret how things have turned out, but it is pointless to wonder how we got here or how things might have been different._

_I wish you luck Sirius. I really do hope that you find what it is you have been looking for all of these years._

_Your brother_

_Reg_

“Well...” James said, a little bewildered. “That’s, uh...”

“Unexpected” Sirius supplied.

“And a little nonsensical” Lily added from behind them, reading the letter over their shoulders.

“Communication isn’t our strong suit” Sirius muttered.

“Why is he saying this might be his last chance to reach out?” James asked, frowning. “And all this stuff about never seeing each other again?”

“It means he’s in over his head” Sirius growled, abruptly getting up and starting to pace about the room again. He looked distinctly jittery - maybe the coffee had been a bad idea. “He thinks there’s no coming back from whatever he’s gotten himself into. And he’s probably right.”

“You mean... He thinks he’s going to die?” Lily asked quietly, sounding horrified.

“Or that I am” Sirius replied darkly.

“Now hang on, let’s not speculate” James said, sensing that this was escalating quickly and trying to pull it back. He took hold of Lily’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“I know my brother, James. Believe me, heartfelt apologies is not something that we do under normal circumstances” Sirius replied dismissively.

“Technically he didn’t apologise for anything” James said, scanning the letter again. “He actually blames you for a lot of things.”

“Blacks don’t apologise, it’s a sign of weakness” Sirius replied automatically, before shaking his head slightly, looking momentarily disgusted with himself. “The point is, a heartfelt... whatever this is... it’s unprecedented.”

“That doesn’t have to be bad” Lily said desperately. “Maybe he’s trying to tell you he wants to be on our side.”

“Subtext, Lily!” Sirius said loudly, snatching the letter out of James’s hands and holding it out in front of her. “Reg never comes out and says what he means in case someone tries to twist it back on him. It’s always about subtext with him. Look at this – ‘ _what I consider to be the right thing’_. He knows that’s it’s NOT right, not really. But it’s what he thinks he has to do.”

“Sirius, I-“ Lily was looking sceptical, but Sirius cut her off.

“’ _We don’t always get what we want.'_ He never wanted this! But he can’t see any way out!”

“Sirius, this is open to interpretation” Lily argued, refusing to back down.

“And I’m the one who can interpret it properly” Sirius insisted. “He wants me to remember that I was a Black once. Because he wants me to understand what he’s really saying.”

“And what is it that he’s really saying?” James asked seriously. “What do you think he wants from you, Sirius?”

“For me to forgive him” Sirius said simply, stopping with the pacing and looking earnestly at them. “For being on the wrong side of this war. Because he knows it’s the wrong side, but he thinks he never had a choice and he thinks that now it’s too late.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius, but I don’t see any of that in this letter” James told him. “I think Reg is just having a bad day or something, maybe because it’s Christmas and your dad is dead, I don’t know. And he wishes you could be proper brothers again. That’s all I think this letter says.”

“I don’t expect you to understand” Sirius said quietly. “You don’t have a brother.”

“Like fuck I don’t!” James retorted angrily, standing up and squaring up Sirius. That comment was like a slap in the face, and James was prepared to respond with an actual punch, if necessary. “You have been a colossal pain in my arse for eight years but I’m still fucking here, looking out for you. Don’t you dare tell me I don’t have a little brother.”

“I’m older than you” Sirius replied indignantly.

“That is SO not the point” James cried, running a hand stressfully through his hair. He was starting to sympathise with what Regulus had said about wishing he could get Sirius to _hear_ him.

“Exactly, you’re missing the point” Sirius said, looking just as stressed as James felt. “You don’t HAVE to look out for me. You do it because you’re my best friend. You don’t know what it’s like to have this... _obligation_... to someone who you know isn’t really a good person. And not because they’re _evil_ or anything, but just because they’re weak, and they make bad decisions. And you kind of hate them for it, but at the same time you can’t hate them. Because it’s your brother...”

James sighed as he looked at the pained expression on Sirius’s face.

“No, I guess you’re right” he said. “I don’t know what that’s like.”

“I do” Lily interjected. “You know that I do.” She and Sirius looked at each other for a long time. Sirius looked like he was studying her carefully, trying to decide whether to trust her or not.

“So you know what I have to do” he said eventually.

Lily said nothing, and after a pause she slowly nodded.

“You don’t have to do anything!” James cried. He couldn’t believe that _he_ was the one who had to be the voice of reason in this situation. “Write back to him, by all means, but you’re sure as hell not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry mate, but you can’t stop me” Sirius replied, starting to get dressed.

“Sirius!” James hissed, shooting an annoyed look at Lily, for egging him on. “You know that if you go I have to come with you, right? And I can’t just go running off to do reckless shit like this anymore. I’m going to be a _father_. Do you understand that?”

“I do” Sirius said simply, as he pulled his jeans up and picked up his wand from the table.

“So I’m not letting you go” James said firmly, following Sirius out into the hallway and grabbing hold of his arm. Sirius ignored him and stepped into his boots.

“James” he said calmly, turning around to face him. James slackened his grip slightly on Sirius’s bicep, and as soon as he did Sirius bolted, running straight out of the door.

“FUCK” James yelled, running after him. He didn’t even have any shoes on, but he chased Sirius across the street, sprinting at full speed. Sirius might be stronger than James was, but James was faster. He caught Sirius just as he was turning on the spot, managing to grip hold of his wrist as he disapparated.


	3. Searching

James fell over as they appeared on some suburban street somewhere, not having been prepared for the apparition. Sirius sighed resignedly as he helped him up.

“Lily’s going to kill you” he said calmly.

“I’m going to kill _her_ ” James replied indignantly, brushing himself off. “Giving you the green light to run off and do something stupid. And you! As if I'd just let you run off by yourself...”

“Or, none of us could kill each other” Sirius said, tapping his oversized combat boots with his wand and creating an identical pair for James. James gave him a rather unimpressed look. They weren’t exactly his style, but he didn’t have much of a choice in the matter here. He put them on and then looked up and down the street. It seemed like a very ordinary residential street, lined with large houses on either side.

“Where _are_ we?” James asked, starting to shiver in the cold. He wished he’d had time to grab a coat.

“Home sweet home” Sirius replied grimly, looking up at the house directly in front of them.

“Grimmauld Place?” James asked, raising an eyebrow. He wasn't sure exactly what he'd expected of the place, as Sirius had never exactly described it in great detail. The house, at first glance, looked identical to all the others on the street. But on closer inspection James noted that the number 12 on the door shone quite brightly, and was clearly goblin silver. There was also a large, ornate knocker in the shape of a serpent. Beside that though it was quite unremarkable. You’d never guess that one of the wealthiest families in the sacred 28 lived here.

“Come on” Sirius muttered, ascending the steps.

“Sirius, is this a good idea?” James asked warily as Sirius raised his hand to the knocker.

“No” Sirius replied. “I think we’ve already established that this is not a good idea.” He tapped the knocker twice on the door and he and James waited tensely on the doorstep.

“It’s a good job you’re a Pureblood” Sirius muttered. “Wouldn't be able to get in otherwise. We still might not, but...”

The door opened a small amount in front of them. At first, James thought it had done so of its own accord, but then looked down and saw that there was a house elf peering through the gap at them, looking at Sirius with great dislike on his face.

“You are not welcome here” the elf croaked. His voice was much lower than James had expected.

“Kreacher, I’m looking for Regulus” Sirius said to the elf. “Do you know where he is?”

“Master Regulus does not wish to be disturbed” the elf replied defiantly. “And you are not welcome here” he repeated. He tried to close the door but Sirius pushed it back.

“Kreacher, listen to me, I think he’s in trouble” Sirius said loudly.

“The mistress says you are not to be trusted” Kreacher argued. “You are not part of the Black family anymore, I do not have to listen to you.”

“Kreacher” a shrill voice shrieked from inside the house. James saw Sirius stiffen next to him. “Who is at the door? What is taking so long?”

“It is no-one, miss” Kreacher called back, attempting to shut the door again and giving Sirius a filthy look. Sirius kept his hand on the door, preventing the elf from closing it. He gave James a dark look, his jaw set.

“Unto the breach” Sirius said quietly to James, before stepping over the threshold, ignoring Kreacher’s protests and striding into the house. James could do nothing other than follow him.

As they entered, it became immediately clear that the inside of the house did not match the outside; The interior furnishings screamed wealth and grandeur. Everything was decorated in dark, polished wood with silver embellishments and crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Large portraits of people dressed in old fashioned robes looked haughtily down at James as he walked down the long hallway after Sirius. As they passed the staircase James looked up and could see that it went up for at least three storeys. However despite its grandiosity, the place did not feel welcoming. The hallway was quite narrow but with a very high ceiling, giving it a rather claustrophobic air, and the house was deathly silent. James couldn’t imagine growing up here at all.

Sirius suddenly stopped dead in front of a door off the hallway which was slightly ajar. James looked at him in confusion and he appeared to be steeling himself for something. Sirius’s mother was evidently on the other side of this door and James realised with a jolt that the last time Sirius had been face to face with his mother, she had savagely beaten him. He kept one hand on his wand as he followed Sirius into the room. They had barely cleared the doorway when the woman inside started screaming.

“YOU! How DARE you set foot in this house?! You _disgusting, degenerate, traitorous-“_

“Let me stop you right there” Sirius said loudly, holding one hand up. “Believe me, I’m not here because I WANT to be.”

“You _dare_ , come here and speak to me!” Wallaburga shrieked, pointing an accusatory finger at Sirius, apparently not even noticing that James was even there.

James didn’t really know what he’d been expecting, but she wasn’t how he’d pictured her. She didn’t look much like Sirius at all apart from her long, black, glossy hair, although hers was streaked liberally with greys. She had rather large eyes, which made her look slightly mad, but apart from that she didn’t seem particularly intimidating at all. She was wearing a dark, voluminous dress with lots of underskirts and sat on a high backed armchair, leaning forward and glowering at Sirius with obvious hatred. But despite her evident fury, she was nothing more than an old woman. The way Sirius had often described her in the past, James had half been expecting some sort of monster, but he wasn’t remotely as scared coming face to face with her as he had been a minute ago when stepping into the unknown.

Sirius for his part didn’t look intimidated either. In fact, he was quite calm as he went on.

“I’m actually here on behalf of your other son. You know, the one you actually like?”

“Regulus is no concern of yours” she barked at him, reaching for her wand which resting on a side table next to her. James drew his defensively, but Sirius put a hand out to him and he lowered it slowly. Wallaburga gripped her own wand tightly, but didn’t raise it to them, still studying Sirius carefully.

“I thought so too” Sirius told her. “But he wrote a letter to me this morning.”

“You lie!” she spat.

“Why would I lie about that?” Sirius asked, deadpan. “I think he might be in trouble.”

“Suppose that were true” she replied haughtily. “Why would he go to YOU?”

“I don’t know” Sirius lied. James glanced sideways at him, but quickly turned his attention back to Wallaburga, who looked predominantly suspicious. As though she thought this was some sort of trap.

“Show me this letter” she demanded.

“Tell me where he is” Sirius replied. The two of them stared defiantly at each other.

“He is not your brother” she hissed. “You are not a part of this family.”

“I might not be your son, but you don’t get to decide if he’s my brother or not” Sirius argued, the volume of his voice increasing. James sensed danger. “And if he’s in trouble I’m going to help him, whether you help me or not.”

Wallaburga moved her wand so fast that James didn’t even realise what was happening until Sirius crumpled to the floor, inhaling sharply, cradling his arm which was bleeding heavily. James raised his wand to her but she rapidly sent a spell his way without even looking at him, which slammed him painfully back into the wall behind him and sent his wand flying out of his hand. As all of this was happening Wallaburga stood up and elegantly swept across the floor to tower over Sirius. Perhaps she was wearing heels under that dress because she was quite tall. As James sank down the wall to the floor, trying to catch his breath, he understood now what was so scary about this woman.

“You are _nothing_ , boy” she said maliciously to Sirius, while James dragged himself along the floor to the other side of the room after his wand, panting heavily. Whatever spell she had hit him with had knocked the breath right out of him, and he felt as though he might have dislocated a shoulder.

“You come here, demanding to know the whereabouts of my son. Claiming him to be your brother” Wallaburga went on, leaning down and roughly grabbing Sirius’s chin to force him to look at her. “He is NOT your brother. You have NO ties to this family. You are a disgusting _faggot_ blood traitor.“

Sirius laughed quietly as she released him.

“You think any of those words are insulting to me?” he asked softly. “Hell, I couldn’t be prouder.”

There was a loud crack as she struck him across the face with her wand hand. James doubled his efforts to inch closer to his wand, but the pain in his chest only seemed to be getting worse, making him weaker. He heard Sirius slump down on to the floor.

“You are vile” Wallaburga spat at him. “If you think I will ever let you near my son-“ she cut off mid-stream, turning abruptly to James just as his fingertips brushed his wand and firing another spell at him. James felt a fresh wave of pain and doubled over on the floor. There was a roaring sound in his ears, but underneath it he could hear Sirius shouting something. James gingerly lifted his head, his eyes scrunched up with the pain. He saw Sirius draw his wand, but Wallaburga deftly disarmed him and struck him again. Sirius’s eyebrow split open and blood started trickling down his pale face. James watched the blood fall, hearing his own blood pulsing in his ears. Fuck, there was a lot of blood. Sirius was covered in it, it was practically pouring out of that gash on his arm.

The gravity of the situation suddenly dawned on James. This woman might just be insane enough to actually _kill_ the pair of them. He made another lurch for his wand, crying out in pain as he did so. At the same time Sirius lunged at her, grabbing hold of her wrist. She used her other hand to hit him again, but in the time it took her to do so James finally managed to grab his wand and fire a stunning spell at her. She fell sideways onto the floor in front of Sirius, who was still slumped over, leaking blood onto the floor. James felt the pain in his body alleviate immediately the second that the stunning spell hit her, and he scrambled over to Sirius, pushing Wallaburga’s unconscious body carelessly out of the way.

“Fuck, Sirius, I’m sorry, she... Jesus, she’s fast” he said breathlessly. Sirius was panting rather heavily and there was a large gash on his forearm, extending from wrist to elbow.

“Fuck” James said again. “We need to get you some help.”

“It’s fine” Sirius said through gritted teeth, pulling a rather oily rag out of his pocket with his uninjured arm and haphazardly wrapping it around his arm.

“Sirius, it’s not fine” James said seriously. The blood was soaking instantly through the amateur dressing, and it certainly wouldn’t do any good for him to get what was presumably motorbike oil into the cut.

“We’ll go back to my flat, I have dittany there” Sirius said quietly. “We just need to stop the bleeding.”

“You can’t apparate like this” James told him desperately.

“Well go then!” Sirius barked. “Go and get it for me, it’s in medicine box in the kitchen.”

James wanted to argue some more. He really thought Sirius needed to see a proper healer, but he was more concerned at the moment with Sirius potentially bleeding to death right here in his mother’s sitting room. He apparated straight into the kitchen of Sirius’s flat, thanking the gods that they had taken the wards down a few weeks ago since no-one was currently living there. He grabbed the potion and apparated straight back. In the few seconds that he’d been gone Sirius had apparently given up on trying to bandage himself and was just pressing the wadded material against his wound.

“Here” James said, kneeling next to him and clumsily pouring the bottle over his arm. The cut immediately scabbed over everywhere that the liquid had come into contact with. Now, with the worst of the flow stemmed, James could see the wound clearly enough to dab the potion onto the untreated parts. Sirius hissed in pain as he did so, but once the entire gash was treated he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Shit” James said, collapsing back into a seated position. “Fuck. That was crazy.”

“Eh, pretty normal day in the Black household actually” Sirius replied, still breathing heavily, reaching a tentative hand up to his eyebrow, which had stopped bleeding, but was rapidly swelling.

“Bullshit” James argued. “Jesus, you could have _died_ Sirius.”

“Oh she wouldn’t have let me die” Sirius said dismissively as he examined his injured arm closely. “This is a deeper cut than she used to do though. Apparently she _was_ actually holding back all those years.”

James shook his head disbelievingly.

“I don’t know how you can be so calm about this” he said. No sooner had the words left his mouth than Kreacher came running into the room, wielding a large carving knife.

“STOP” Sirius yelled at him, and the elf froze on the spot, wobbling dangerously, the knife still held aloft.

“Fuck, is everyone in this house insane?” James demanded, putting a hand over his hammering heart. Sirius actually laughed.

“I _knew_ you thought I was exaggerating, when I told you what it was like here” he smiled. “Believe me now?”

“I’ll never doubt you again” James said faintly.

“So” Sirius said, addressing Kreacher. “Maybe I _am_ still part of the family after all then.”

“Mistress says you are not” Kreacher replied defiantly.

“But elf magic, what does that say?” Sirius asked. Kreacher didn’t respond, and merely looked at Sirius with pure hatred on his face.

“Kreacher, I order you to tell me where Regulus is” he said firmly. Kreacher lowered the knife but pressed his lips together, apparently determined not to obey. The elf magic got the better of him however, because a moment later he burst out.

“Master Regulus is staying with the Averys.“

Sirius looked at James triumphantly. James looked back warily.

“OK” he said. “Lets get you to a healer and then we’ll go there in a couple of days”

“What, after Kreacher has tipped him off and he’s disappeared again?” Sirius asked, getting to his feet. He swayed slightly on the spot as he stood up and James had to grab hold of him. “No” Sirius said firmly. “We’re going now.”

“Sirius, you just lost a lot of blood” James said seriously. He wasn’t wrong, Sirius was still covered in it, and the floor around him looked like a murder scene. 

“I’m fine” Sirius insisted, pushing James away. He could stand unaided, but that by no means meant that he was fine.

“Sirius” James pleaded. What he wouldn’t give for some sort of spell that would make Sirius see sense.

“James, I will go without you if I have to” Sirius warned him.

“You can’t keep fucking using that” James replied moodily.

“Are you coming or not?” Sirius demanded, wiping the excess blood off of his arm onto his t-shirt. James really didn’t want to condone this madness, but he certainly couldn’t just leave him.

“Fuck!” James cried. “Fine, let’s fucking go.”

Sirius gave him a nod and took hold of his arm to apparate together.

“You owe me. Big time” James muttered to him as they stepped into the darkness.

-

They appeared outside another large house, so similar to the outside of Grimmauld Place that James wondered momentarily if they had just apparated outside of Sirius’s mother's house. However, the street was a little different – there were fewer trees lining the kerb, and the houses were a little smaller. Sirius was once again looking up at the house directly in front of them with great purpose on his face.

“How do you know where Avery lives, anyway?” James asked him.

“Sacred 28, remember?” Sirius replied, as they both approached the front door.

“Great” James muttered. “More Pureblood fanatics. We’re not going to have a repeat incident here, are we?”

“It's a very real possibility” Sirius said, sounding quite unconcerned as he knocked on the door. Well, James mused, at least they had the dittany on hand now.

James kept one hand on his wand as the door opened. An elderly man dressed in thick, velvet robes stood in the doorway. He glanced briefly at James, looking mildly confused, before turning to Sirius, his expression turning smug.

“Sirius Black” he said with a malicious smile.

“Theodore” Sirius replied with a curt nod, as James stood there blankly. At least the man hadn’t hexed Sirius on sight, that was a good sign. Although judging from his expression, this wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation.

“What on earth is the local _queer_ doing on my doorstep?” Theodore asked, smirking slightly. “And covered in blood, no less? Fallen on hard times, have you boy?”

“I know that my brother is here” Sirius replied flatly, apparently opting to ignore the insults. “I need to see him.”

“Your brother?” Theodore asked incredulously. “Now I _know_ you aren’t referring to Regulus Black, because I have it on good authority that you are no son of Orion and Wallaburga.”

“Let’s not play this game” Sirius said in a no-nonsense tone, leaning forward with one hand on the door frame. “The sooner I speak to Reg the sooner I’ll be off your precious doorstep and then you can hose it down. Get all the blood traitor germs off it.”

“Regulus is not here” Theodore replied calmly. “But even if he were, I see no reason why I should help a self-professed _blood traitor_ such as yourself.”

Sirius gave an annoyed sigh, scowling at the old man.

“Look” he said earnestly. “I know exactly what I’ve done to the Blacks’ reputation. And I know for a fact that it’s allowed you and your family to climb up the social ladder. I’d say that merits some sort of reciprocation, wouldn’t you?”

Theodore looked rather taken aback by this argument, and even James had to admit he was rather impressed. Sirius didn’t often dig out this manipulative, scheming part of his personality, but when he did no-one could deny it was anything short of a gift. In another life, Sirius probably could have been running the sacred 28, had he any inclination whatsoever to do so.

“Regulus is not here” Theodore repeated, now looking between Sirius and James a little suspiciously. “But suppose I did know where you might find him... I’d consider that more than fair _reciprocation_ , wouldn’t you?”

“I’ll never darken your doorstep again” Sirius agreed.

“Very well” Theodore replied, surveying Sirius haughtily. “Brixton Village.”

James felt his stomach drop. He knew exactly where the old man was referring to, and it really wasn’t good. Sirius apparently did not, as he looked very confused.

“Brixton Village?” Sirius asked, an eyebrow raised. James tugged on his arm.

“Sirius” he muttered darkly. “We need to go, NOW.”

Sirius looked as though he still didn’t understand, but he evidently caught the gravity of James’s tone and he allowed James to drag him back down to the pavement.

“And don’t let me catch you anywhere near my house again” Theodore called after them before slamming the door shut.

“James, what’s going on? What’s in Brixton Village?” Sirius asked hurriedly.

“Muggleborn outreach centre” James told him. “Lily told me about it. It’s like an information point, to help them find their way around the wizarding world.”

“Oh fuck!” Sirius exclaimed. Without further ado they turned on the spot together, James leading the apparition as he knew where they needed to go.

-

It was too late. They both appeared in the middle of a panicked crowd, with people running in all directions. A building nearby was on fire and the air was heavy with magic, with different coloured spells flying all over the place. James barely had time to even take in his surroundings before Sirius pushed him onto the floor, the pair of them narrowly avoiding a streak of blue light that passed over their heads. Someone dropped to the floor a few feet away from them, whether unconscious or dead James didn’t know.

“We need to take cover” he yelled to Sirius, scrambling to his feet but keeping his head ducked down. He grabbed hold of Sirius’s hand and the two of them ran towards a nearby litter bin, crouching behind it. It was hardly great protection, but it would have to do for now. Sirius was firing spells into the crowd over the top of the bin while James peered around the side of it, trying to see what was going on. There were death eaters – at least four that James could see. There were also some people in wizards robes fighting back against them. James didn’t recognise them from the order, so presumably they were from the ministry.

“Sirius, we’d better get out of here” James told him. “If the aurors catch you in the middle of this...”

“I’m not leaving without Reg!” Sirius said firmly.

“I doubt he’s even here” James said desperately. “That man just sent us right into a fucking trap, he must have known what he was doing.”

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean Reg isn’t here” Sirius shot back. Before James had chance to argue, Sirius had run out from behind the bin towards the death eaters.

“Shit!” James yelled, running after him. Sirius really was going to get him killed one of these days.

“REG” Sirius bellowed at a rather small hooded figure stood close to the burning building. They did seem about the right height and build to be Sirius’s brother, but he really didn't have anything else to go on. Apparently though this was all the evidence he needed, as Sirius launched himself at the death eater, tackling them to the ground. James did his best to provide cover, taking shelter in a doorway and firing counter curses at one of the other death eaters who had turned around to defend his friend.

James had his work cut out for him, deflecting spells and firing counter curses in rapid succession, but he just about managed to keep an eye on Sirius as well. He saw Sirius rip the mask off the person he now had pinned to the ground. It wasn’t Regulus.

“FUCK” he heard Sirius scream, before a spell hit him in the back, causing him to fall sideways, unconscious.

“SIRIUS” James yelled, casting the most powerful shield charm that he could over himself and running towards his friend's limp figure.

“Fuck” he panted, kneeling beside him. “Ennervate!” he cried desperately, pointing his wand at Sirius. He stirred and opened his eyes. Apparently he had only been stunned.

“Oh fuck” James panted, in relief this time. Sirius blinked confusedly a couple of times, but there was no time to let him get his bearings. James dragged him up to his feet and they both assumed defensive stances, back-to-back. 

The scene around them was total chaos. There were now six death eaters that James could see, but also more ministry reinforcements, including none other than Alastor Moody. The ministry seemed to be making progress in advancing on the death eaters – James saw Moody deftly hit one of them with a stunner and he crumpled to the ground.

James and Sirius themselves were still duelling fiercely with the ones closest to them. James felt like they were doing a reasonably good job of it as well, until out of nowhere another death eater came running out of one of the buildings at full speed towards them. He collided with both James and Sirius, shoulders first, one arm around each of their waists, and all three fell to the ground. A second later there was an almighty explosion and James covered his head as he felt debris fall on top of them.

He sat up to see what had happened. The building that the unknown death eater had run out of was now also on fire. The air was filled with smoke and ash and he couldn’t see anything beyond about five feet away. He gave the mass of tangled limbs next to him a shake, making sure that Sirius was OK, but was surprised to discover that the death eater who had taken them down was still there, wrestling with Sirius.

James grabbed one of his arms and tried to prise him off of Sirius, but the death eater used his other hand to rip the mask off his face and James released him in shock. It was Regulus.

“STOP” Regulus yelled. “You need to get out of here, NOW.”

“What the FUCK are you doing, Reg?!” Sirius roared, punching him in the arm. “Running around with the death eaters, are you fucking kidding me?!”

“I have a plan!” Regulus argued, trying to extricate himself from Sirius, but Sirius wouldn’t let him go.

“I don’t give a shit!” Sirius retorted. “You’re in over your head here.”

“I’m not!” Regulus insisted. “I _know_ what I’m doing, TRUST me!”

“Trust you?!” Sirius asked incredulously. “What the fuck was that letter about Reg?”

“I can’t explain” Regulus replied desperately, now straying hard to push Sirius off him. “But you need to trust me. And we all need to go, NOW.”

“I can help you, Reg” Sirius said earnestly, holding onto both of his brother's wrists. “Please. Just come with me.”

“I... Fuck, I can’t!” Regulus replied torturously. “You have to let me go!”

“I won’t leave you” Sirius insisted. However, at that moment a stunning spell flew through the smoke and Sirius had to let go of Regulus and throw himself to the side to dodge it. The second that Sirius released him, Regulus disapparated.

“NO” Sirius screamed, grabbing at the air in front of him where Regulus had disappeared. But it was no use. He was gone.

James felt a rough pair of hands grab him by the biceps and haul him up at the same time as someone he vaguely recognised from the auror department restrained Sirius and started to drag him away too.


	4. Three Strikes

Sirius was taken by side-along apparition by the aurors to an interrogation room. It was a small room with no windows, containing only two chairs and a table. Sirius presumed they were at the ministry, but really they could have been anywhere. The aurors had unceremoniously handcuffed him to one of the chairs and left him there. Sirius hadn't bothered to ask any questions before they went, he doubted they would have answered if he did. Besides, he was still far too angry to be concerned with anything else at the moment.

He had been alone in the room for quite some time. He had no way of knowing exactly how long but it felt like hours. His mind was still racing with everything that had happened. That was probably the last time he or Regulus would ever see each other alive. That fucking bastard. How could he do this to Sirius? All he had to do was let Sirius take him home and look after him. But no, he was still determined to do things their parents’ way. So then what the hell was that letter all about?

Eventually, the door opened and Moody swept inside looking even more angry than Sirius felt, which was saying something. He slammed the door behind him and threw a thick file down onto the table. He glared contemptuously at Sirius for a minute, before drawing his wand and casting a few spells around the room. Sirius recognised a couple of the enchantments he was muttering under his breath from his pranking days back at school. Moody was making sure that they wouldn't be overheard or interrupted.

"Well" he growled, resting one hand on the table next to the file and leaning over it towards Sirius. "This is a fine fucking mess you've gotten yourself into, Black."

Sirius had nothing to say to that. He couldn't disagree.

"Crouch wants me to throw the book at you" Moody went on. "Reckons you're working with the death eaters, what with your family ties and all."

"Fuck off" Sirius said dismissively. "Everyone knows that the Blacks disowned me. You've probably got the paperwork for it in that file there."

"Maybe it was all for show" Moody countered. "Maybe you're working as a double agent. Or maybe you just fancy yourself a vigilante and you're hunting down the death eaters of your own accord. Either way, you're becoming quite a headache for the ministry. I TOLD you not to get caught in the middle of this again!"

"I know!" Sirius hissed. "But it's done, isn't it? Unless you want to give me a time turner so I can go back and stop myself doing it? Of course then we wouldn't know that my little shit brother is a fucking death eater!"

"There are other ways we could have gotten that information" Moody snarled. "Dumbledore was right about you, you are a fucking liability. I ought to let Crouch take you down."

"So then why don't you?!" Sirius demanded defiantly. To his surprise, Moody laughed in response.

"Oh, you've got balls kid" he growled. "That'll serve you well one day when you get yourself into something that we can't get you out of."

He sank into the chair opposite Sirius on the other side of the table, surveying him with interest.

"In case you haven't noticed, our ranks are shrinking" Moody said quietly. "So despite the fact that you're a liability, we unfortunately do need you."

"I'm touched" Sirius replied flatly. Moody laughed again, pulling out a hip flask and taking a swig from it.

"Maybe I'm going soft in my old age, but I like you, Black. I appreciate someone with a moral compass strong enough to go against his upbringing" Moody told him. Sirius was rather taken aback. "But you're fast becoming a pain in mine and Dumbledore's arse. You need to learn how to follow orders. Especially when you are ordered to do NOTHING."

"If doing nothing means sitting back and letting someone I care about die then I can't do that" Sirius argued.

"It means trusting that someone more intelligent than you has a plan, and knows what they are doing" Moody said firmly. Sirius merely scowled back.

"Now I'm going to pull some strings and get you out of here" Moody went on. "But I'm sticking my neck out for you here. You better not get caught by the ministry again, because there will be nothing I can do next time. Do you understand?"

"I understand" Sirius muttered. Moody eyed him carefully.

"Funny, because that's what you said last time" he growled in response. "Three strikes and you're out, Black."

"I thought this was my third strike?"

"Don't be a smart arse."

-

A couple of hours later Sirius found himself handcuffed to a chair in Moody’s office with James sat next to him again. He might have found the whole getting-in-trouble-at-school vibe of it quite funny if he wasn’t still absolutely livid about everything that had happened in the last twelve hours.

“Alright Potter, you know the drill” Moody growled. “No leaving the country, no law breaking. In fact, if I were you I’d keep this one under house arrest for the foreseeable” he jerked his head towards Sirius and Sirius scowled back at him.

“I'm not going to go running off again” he muttered. “It’s not like I have any other brothers who are going to send me cryptic letters and lure me into this shit.”

“Speaking of which” Moody replied, opening a folder on his desk and pulling a form out of it. “One of the conditions of your release, Black, is that you agree to testify against Regulus in the event that he is apprehended. If it goes to trial, that is.”

“Why wouldn’t it go to trial?” James asked frowning.

“If Crouch feels there is sufficient evidence, he sometimes sentences without trial” Moody said, looking rather distasteful. Sirius could tell this wasn’t a strategy he approved of, but Sirius didn’t really care very much. If Reg _did_ get caught then he deserved to go to Azkaban, with or without trial.

“But that undermines the entire justice system” James protested. “You can’t just put someone's fate in one man’s hands, without even giving them the chance to defend themselves.”

“Potter, this is not the time or the place to debate the inner workings of the ministry” Moody replied flatly. “Just sign the damn form.” He waved his wand to release Sirius from the handcuffs, so he could also sign the form in front of him. He did so without even reading it.

“Anything else?” Sirius asked moodily.

“A little bit of gratitude wouldn’t go amiss” Moody barked. “Seeing as it’s only down to me that you’re not sitting in a cell in Azkaban right now.”

“Thank you, Moody, sincerely” James said earnestly, kicking Sirius in the shins. “And sorry, on behalf of this moron. He’s just... it’s been a difficult few weeks.” Sirius scowled at him.

“That doesn’t mean you can take the law into your own hands” Moody growled.

“I know. It won’t happen again” James said. “Right?” he added, elbowing Sirius in the ribs.

“Right” Sirius muttered, not looking at either of them.


	5. Welcome Home

Remus stood on the street a little down the road and on the opposite side from James and Lily’s house, a suitcase in one hand and a cardboard cup of coffee in the other. He had been there for quite some, loitering by the bus stop and just staring at the house. He couldn’t quite bring himself to go inside.

Every fibre of him _ached_ with longing at the prospect of seeing Sirius again. But he was afraid. He had been away for a little over two months, missing both Christmas and New year and he knew his return would not be a welcome one. In fact, he wasn’t sure if Sirius would _ever_ forgive him for what he had done. Leaving at all was bad enough, but the way in which he had done it was pretty much irredeemable. He had thought about going back almost as soon as he left Dumbledore’s office – he had actually very nearly done it. But he knew if he had gone home and talked it through with Sirius he would end up not going. And what he had told Sirius in his note was true. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t go.

As it turned out, he couldn’t really live with himself for going, either. He had crossed a line, abandoning Sirius like that, and he wasn't sure that they would ever really come back from it. Wasn’t sure if Sirius would even want him to come back at all. Or what kind of state Sirius would be in.

He was also, quite selfishly, very afraid of revealing to Sirius what sort of state _he_ was in. He had come back from this mission a changed man, and he was quite sure it was not for the better. He had _seen_ things that would haunt him for the rest of his life. Met people who had done things that made him feel physically sick to even contemplate, now back here in the civilized world. And the worst part? He was _one of them._

A bus stopped at the stop to let a few people off and Remus caught sight of his own reflection in the window. He had a fresh scar on his face, extending from his forehead over his left eyelid and down his cheek, which made him look like some sort of grotesque, cartoon villain. He looked away distastefully, feeling another horrible wave of anxiety about how Sirius was going to react to seeing him like this. The scar would fade, once he was able to apply some dittany to it, but it was probably too well set now for him to be able to get rid of it entirely. He pulled his scarf up over his chin and mouth, wishing he could wrap his entire head in it and hide completely.

But of course, he couldn't hide forever. As the bus set off again, Remus looked back down the street at the house and started steeling himself to go over there. Apart from anything else his hands were completely numb, the coffee long since gone cold. He would catch pneumonia if he stood out here all afternoon. This was ridiculous behaviour anyway, standing out here like this wasn’t going to make the situation inside that house any better. Sirius was going to be just as angry whether he showed up now or several hours from now. Remus sighed heavily, and slowly made his way towards it.

He faltered again when he reached the front door, his heart thudding in his chest and his legs feeling very heavy all of a sudden. His hand was shaking as he reached out for the door handle. He tried to tell himself that it was going to be OK, but he didn’t really believe it. He took one last deep breath as he pushed the door open. It was a little stiff, as though even the house itself didn’t really want him to go inside.

The house was incredibly warm compared to the bitterly cold wind outside, but Remus barely noticed, as he was practically overwhelmed by the smell of the place. It was hard to define, a mixture of things including clean laundry and coffee. But Remus also distinctly detected the scent that he knew was James, having lived with him at school for seven years. It just smelled like James and Lily’s place, and for the first time in two months he finally felt at _home._

But what really took his breath away was a scent lingering on the air that he wasn’t used to smelling here, although he supposed he should have been expecting it, since he knew that Sirius had been living here while Remus was away. It was another indefinable scent that was burned irreversibly into Remus’s brain and that he knew in an instant meant that Sirius was here.

Remus felt his eyes stinging with tears as he put his suitcase down, and hastily rubbed them with his knuckles, trying to get a hold of himself. He noticed about a second later that there were voices coming from the living room. Multiple voices, one of them female. His knees went weak again as he realised that all three of them were right there, in the adjacent room.

In all the ways that Remus had imagined his reunion with Sirius might go in the time that he was away, he had never thought about the potential complication of their friends also being there. When Dumbledore had told him this morning that Sirius was staying with James and Lily, it made sense and wasn’t altogether a surprise to Remus. But he was feeling quite a bit of trepidation about the concept of having to deal with all three of them at the same time.

He swallowed nervously and tentatively made his way towards the living room. He froze in the open doorway as he reached it, taking in the scene before him. Sirius was sat in the armchair by the fire, James and Lily on the sofa opposite him. They were all holding steaming mugs of something and talking, looking in reasonably good spirits. Lily had a ring on her finger. So James had gone through with it then, they were engaged now. Remus frowned, wondering what else he had missed. Sirius’s hair was shorter and he looked as though he had lost some weight. There were dark shadows under his eyes too. Remus felt a fresh wave of both guilt and longing as he looked at him.

In reality, he was probably only stood there for a couple of seconds, but it felt like much longer. It felt like a lifetime, watching his friends and seeing how their lives had progressed without him being there. And seeing Sirius. Seeing how much Remus not being there had clearly taken its toll on him.

Lily saw him first. Her mouth fell open in surprise and she simply stared, wide-eyed at him for a few seconds. Remus looked blankly back at her, not knowing what to say. Supposing that it was probably for the best not to say anything at all, and to let someone else speak first. James and Sirius both followed her gaze. They both looked equally as surprised as Lily. He heard James say “Fuck...” in a dazed sort of way, but Remus’s eyes were fixed on Sirius, who had turned extremely pale and was staring at him with an unreadable expression.

“ _Remus_ ” Lily cried, jumping up off the sofa and running over to him. Remus felt quite faint as he saw when she stood up that she had what appeared to be a small baby bump. His brain barely had time to process the matter before she threw her arms around his neck, practically strangling him with a forceful hug.

“Remus, thank God you’re alright” she was saying. Remus returned the hug, gently patting her on the back, but over her shoulder he and Sirius were still staring at each other. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus could see that James was looking at Sirius too. Remus wished that he’d say something. Anything.

“Remus, I...” Lily said rather breathlessly as she finally released him. Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius’s face to look back at her. In stark contrast to Sirius, her face was full of emotion, eyes shining with tears.

“You’ve been busy” Remus managed to spit out. Lily laughed thickly.

“Yeah. I’m... I mean, me and James are... July. I’m due in July” she told him.

“Congratulations” Remus replied a little awkwardly, looking to James as well, who responded simply with a curt nod, his expression somewhat hardened. Remus couldn’t pretend that didn’t hurt, but he supposed he should have been expecting it. James would have been the one who had to pick up the pieces after Remus left, after all. He had every right to be angry too,

Remus looked again to Sirius. The hurt was beginning to show on his face now, and he was looking at Remus with a very pained expression. Remus took a step towards him.

“Sirius, I...” Remus began, with no idea whatsoever what the end of that sentence was. He had always assumed that Sirius would be the one to speak when they came face to face again. That he would scream and rage and that Remus would just let him, knowing that he deserved it. He was still quite sure that was going to happen eventually anyway, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do in the interim. What on earth he was supposed to say?

He was saved the necessity of having to think of something, as Sirius slowly rose from his chair. He walked purposefully across the room to meet Remus, his expression still registering nothing much besides pain. Remus could feel James and Lily’s eyes on the pair of them, but he didn’t really care. All of his attention was focused on the man in front of him. Sirius silently raised a hand to Remus's face, and Remus couldn’t help but flinch slightly. It had certainly crossed his mind that Sirius might hit him. However, Sirius’s touch was extremely gentle. He brushed Remus’s cheek lightly with his fingertips before running his thumb over the base of his newest scar. Remus wanted to look away, he felt ashamed. But Sirius’s eyes were locked on his and his face was slowly edging closer. Remus took a small gasp of breath just before Sirius’s lips met his.

The kiss was brief, not much more than a gentle brushing of Sirius’s lips against his, but it was sufficient to completely break Remus. He felt the hot tears spill from his eyes and had to choke back a sob. No matter how angry Sirius was (and he was undoubtedly furious), at least he still loved him. Which was probably more than Remus could ever dared to have hoped for. He tentatively reached out a hand to rest on Sirius’s chest and Sirius covered it with his own as he pulled back, his eyes slightly scrunched up.

“You. Fucking. Bastard” he whispered, before pushing Remus's hand off of him. Remus swallowed nervously.

“I know. I’m sorry” he offered quietly.

“Do you even know...?” Sirius asked desperately, the anger starting to creep into his voice. “Do you have ANY idea what its been like?!”

Remus didn’t know what to say to that. He could certainly imagine what it must have been like for Sirius while he was gone. Some nights he had thought about nothing else.

“Awful” Remus said quietly. “I know, it’s been awful. I really _am_ sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

“DON’T” Sirius cut him off loudly, shaking his head. “SORRY doesn't make it alright. I don't want to hear _I'm sorry._ ”

“What _do_ you want to hear?” Remus asked helplessly.

“I DON’T KNOW” Sirius yelled, turning away and wiping his eyes impatiently with the heels of his hands. “I don't fucking know what you can possibly say to explain to me how you could fucking DO this to me. But I don’t want to hear I’M FUCKING SORRY!”

Remus took a deep breath. He knew that he deserved that. He deserved a lot more, quite frankly. But it didn’t make it any easier.

“I’ll tell you everything” Remus said earnestly. “Where I was. What I was doing. Why I went. I know it doesn’t make it alright, what I did, but... maybe you’ll understand, why I... what the point of it was.”

“The point of it was to help us win this war, no?!” Sirius replied incredulously. “I already KNOW that Remus. I don't give a shit WHERE YOU WERE” he shook his head disbelievingly.

“Um, I’d be quite interested in that actually” James interjected, startling Remus. He’d quite forgotten for a second that James and Lily were even there. Sirius gave James a filthy look, before advancing on Remus again. Remus took a couple of steps back, as Sirius actually looked quite menacing now, but Sirius grabbed hold of him by the wrist, pulling Remus towards him.

“I don’t care where you were” Sirius growled, holding Remus close to him. “I care that you weren’t _here_ , don’t you get it? I fucking _love_ you. _So much._ And you fucking walked out on me.” There were tears streaming down his face now. Remus raised the hand that wasn't in Sirius’s grip to wipe them from his cheeks, but Sirius seemed to decide that he was too angry to allow this and pushed Remus away roughly. Remus REALLY didn’t know what to do.

“I love _you_ , Sirius” he said pleadingly. “I wanted to come back, I really did, but it wasn’t that easy to get out once I was in there.”

“On Christmas day, I sat by the fire _all day_ waiting for you” Sirius told him darkly. “To come home, to call, ANYTHING. Even a fucking letter! Just to say you were alive! I was so sure you would!”

“I couldn’t!” Remus implored him. Truthfully the days out there had started to blur into one and Remus didn’t even know that Christmas had passed until about a week after the fact. He had been wracked by guilt when he realised this, but by that point it was pointless to turn back. He figured that he may as well complete the mission as best he could, since he had already let Sirius down.

“Why?!“ Sirius demanded. “Because _Dumbledore_ said?”

Remus sighed deeply. “Please, Sirius” he said wearily. “Let me explain. You say you don’t care where I’ve been, but I know you do. And you really should, it’s important. Please sit down, I’ll tell you everything.” 

Sirius eyed him suspiciously.

“You can tell me now, then, can you?” he asked, sounding rather unimpressed.

“Yes” Remus replied calmly. “I can.”

Sirius stared defiantly at him for a moment, looking like he wanted to argue some more, but he seemed to think better of it and sank back down into his armchair, crossing his arms and scowling at Remus. Remus gave him a nod of thanks and then turned to James and Lily, who were both looking remarkably unabashed, given the heated exchange they had just witnessed. They were both looking at Remus with evident curiosity and he gave them a grim smile. Lily shuffled over on the sofa to make room for him, pushing James over to the side as well, and Remus sat down next to her.

“Dumbledore asked me to go and see the werewolves” Remus told them, and then paused for a reaction. They all merely looked confused.

“What, like, all of them?” James asked.

“There are colonies” Remus explained. “The ones who can’t fit into wizard or muggle society, which is most of them, to be honest – they live in colonies, on the outskirts of civilisation.” Lily and James both looked as though this was news to them, but Sirius nodded darkly. Remus was about to ask him how he knew this, but on reflection decided that he’d rather not know. Most of Sirius’s knowledge on somewhat unsavoury topics dated back to his days in the house of Black, and now was not the time to segway into Sirius’s fucked up childhood.

“So he’s trying to recruit werewolves now, is he?” Sirius asked coldly. “Seen what a good foot soldier you are and decided to make himself an army?”

Remus had half expected this – for Sirius to be just as angry with Dumbledore as he was with Remus, for being the one who sent him away. He fought to remain calm, reminding himself that Sirius had every right to be angry.

“Its not about _recruitment_ ” Remus replied, frowning. “It's about damage control. Voldemort attacks and kills on mass just to make a point. Sometimes even just for fun. Imagine what would happen if he weaponised the wolf colonies.”

James and Lily looked rather grave at this, and even Sirius looked a little troubled. Remus went on.

“I went there to explain to them what’s happening with the war. They’re completely off the grid, most of them knew nothing about it. And I did my best to persuade them not to get involved with the death eaters.”

“But why would they?” Lily asked, looking confused. Remus was almost a bit jealous of her naivety. If she had met any of these people, she wouldn’t be asking that.

“I used to wonder why most wizards _hate_ me so much, you know?” Remus sighed. “Then I met _them_. The werewolves in the first camp. Dumbledore sent me there first because he thought it was the most likely place for Voldemort to go if he was recruiting. I’m quite sure that he was right...” Remus paused, unsure how much he ought to tell them all about what he had experienced there.

“What happened to you Remus?” Lily asked fearfully. Remus gave her a grim smile.

“They didn’t exactly welcome me with open arms. They didn’t even believe that I’m a werewolf at first – I had to show them my registry tattoo. And the scar from the bite” he told her. “And even then... their leader came out to size me up. He said it was obvious I’d been trying to pass myself off as a wizard.”

“You ARE a wizard” James said frowning.

“It’s hard to explain...” Remus said slowly. “They don’t think that it’s possible to be both. They think they are apart from, and in some ways above, wizards. They consider me something like a blood traitor, because I don’t live in one of the colonies.”

“Is that why they attacked you?” Sirius asked quietly. James and Lily turned to him, looking surprised.

“Who said he was attacked?” Lily asked, looking confused.

“That new scar on his face” Sirius replied gravely. “I’ve been in a relationship with a werewolf for three years, I know what scars from wolf claws look like.”

All three of them turned to look at Remus, and he looked away embarrassedly

“The leader I mentioned... He... he wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be able to fit back into normal society after I left.”

“Fuck...” James whispered. When Remus dared to look back at them he saw that both James and Lily looked shell-shocked. Sirius looked angry again. 

“Its actually not uncommon, in their community” Remus explained. “A lot of disputes are solved with violence. It’s just a way of life, for them.”

“So how did you manage to gain their trust?” Lily asked.

“With perseverance” Remus replied. “After Greyback did _this_ ” he faltered in the action of gesturing to his scar, as Sirius had visibly flinched at that name.

“You know him?” Remus asked seriously.

“By reputation” Sirius replied. That didn’t bode well. It would make it harder for Remus to tone down his descriptions of what had happened.

“Well” he went on. “After he did this, I think most of them expected me to leave. But I didn’t. No one would take me in so I slept outside for the first couple of nights. Hunted my own food. Eventually they started accepting me. Still not exactly _welcoming_ me but... tolerating my presence, at least. Once it became clear I was sticking around, Greyback took a personal interest in me. He let me stay with him while he taught me about their culture, and tried to persuade me that’s where I really belong.”

“What did he say to you?” Sirius asked frowning. Remus hesitated. That wasn’t a conversation he particularly wanted to have in front of James and Lily.

“That I’m one of them” he said simply.

“And are you?” James asked incredulously.

“No” Remus said shaking his head. “They threw me out because I refused to bite someone.”

“They wanted you to...?” Lily gasped. Remus nodded.

“Greyback thinks lycanthropy is a great gift. He wants to spread it to as many people as possible. And to expand his own ranks, of course” Remus did nothing to disguise the disgust in his own voice. “They’re careful about it. They can’t attack too many or too often or they’d draw attention to themselves. They spend all month planning it. Who they’re going to go after, how they’re going to do it without getting caught. They _look forward_ to it.”

“Did they... while you were there?” James asked, looking somewhat nauseated. Remus looked away again. He didn’t think he could bring himself to answer that directly.

“I tried to stop them at first, but they beat me pretty badly. They would have killed me if I tried again” he muttered. Remus felt a warm hand on top of his own and looked up to see Lily looking at him with great sympathy.

“Its not your fault” she said quietly. Remus sighed deeply.

“Anyway. I told them about Voldemort and about the order” he went on. “Greyback said he’d take it into consideration and no one else dared argue with him. At the second camp it was much of the same. A little less violent, they kept more to themselves. They didn’t really want anything to do with the war one way or the other. They just wanted me to leave them alone.”

A long silence followed in which the others seemed to be digesting everything that Remus had just told them. Sirius was examining Remus carefully and Remus knew that he could tell there was more to the story, but he didn’t ask any questions. Probably he would wait until they were alone before interrogating him properly.

“So, um, what happened here while I was away?” Remus asked, a little awkwardly.

“No deaths” James told him. “Not on our side, anyway. The Prewetts took down a couple of death eaters last week.”

“OK” Remus replied. “Anything else?”

Lily looked to James and Sirius uncomfortably, while the two of them exchanged a meaningful look.

“What?” Remus asked warily, looking back and forth between them. James opened his mouth to say something, but relented under Sirius’s furious glare.

“ _What?_ ” Remus said again, now frowning at Sirius.

“While you were gone, Sirius-“

“STOP” yelled Sirius, cutting James off. James gave him a pained look.

“Pads, he’s _going_ to find out eventually. You have to tell him” James said quietly.

“Tell me what?” Remus asked, a little impatiently.

“Look” Sirius said to James, standing up and looking very agitated. “I’ll tell him, alright? But let ME do it.”

James looked rather serious, but after looking appraisingly at Sirius for a minute he nodded his consent.

“Sirius, what did you do?” Remus asked suspiciously. Sirius turned towards him and shot him a dirty look.

“I don’t like your tone” he said sulkily. “YOU weren’t here, so you don’t get to pass judgement on what happened.”

Remus frowned a little. He wasn’t entirely sure that he agreed with that, but he wasn’t really in any position to argue about it right now. Sirius stared back at him defiantly, just daring him to disagree. When Remus said nothing, Sirius shook his head and turned around and walking into the kitchen.

“He’s probably gone for a smoke” Lily told Remus, in response to his bewildered look. “I asked him not to do it around me anymore since, you know” she gestured to her stomach. Remus nodded and went after Sirius, tentatively pushing open the door and quietly entering the room. He found Sirius leaning against the counter by the open window, a haze of smoke around his head and a cigarette in his hand. Remus watched him wistfully for a moment.

“Can I have one?” he asked gently. Sirius threw the packet at him.

“No cigarettes in the werewolf colonies?” he replied, with half a smirk as Remus lit a cigarette for himself. He smiled back.

“No. No gin, either.”

They smiled at each other for a moment, before Sirius seemed to remember that he was angry and looked away, scowling again. Remus couldn’t stop staring at him. He was clearly very hurt, and very angry, but Remus had always known that that would be the case. And he looked stressed, and worn out – that was a little bit more of a surprise, Remus hadn’t expected him to take it all quite so hard. But despite the bags under his eyes and the scowl on his face, he looked every bit as breathtakingly beautiful as Remus had been imagining, every night that they had been apart.

“I missed you” Remus said quietly. Sirius closed his eyes, sighing heavily.

“Every night, I-“ he tentatively went on, but Sirius cut across him.

“Shut up” he said quietly but firmly, opening his eyes and taking a step towards Remus, closing the distance between them. “Just shut up” he whispered, digging his fingers into Remus’s hips, pulling him closer.

“ _Sirius_...” Remus breathed as Sirius’s lips brushed over his jaw.

“I’m still really fucking mad at you” Sirius whispered in between kisses, slowly working his way around the side of Remus’s face. “But I really fucking missed you Rem.”

Remus bit his own lips to stop himself from saying anything else. He wanted to say a million different apologies, to tell Sirius that he loved him for hours on end. But Sirius didn’t want to hear it right now, so he needed to just shut up. He threw his cigarette in the sink besides them and tentatively placed his hands on Sirius’s chest again. This time, Sirius didn’t push him away.

Sirius finally reached Remus’s lips and his hand came up to thread in Remus’s hair as they kissed, deeply and passionately. He pushed Remus up against the counter and Remus snaked his arms around Sirius’s waist, pulling him as close as possible. Sirius was leaning into him with his whole body, and Remus was vaguely aware of the counter jutting uncomfortably into the small of his back but he didn’t care, because every single one of his senses was overtaken with Sirius. His hands were running up the back of Sirius’s t-shirt, clawing at his skin.

“Ahem” James interjected, poking his head through the door. The two of them broke apart, both breathing heavily. Sirius didn’t turn around, but buried his face in Remus’s shoulder. Remus looked over to James, slightly dazed.

“Please don’t have sex in my kitchen” James said, sounding unimpressed. Sirius started to laugh and it was all Remus could do not to kiss him again. God he had forgotten how wonderful it was to see and hear Sirius laugh.

“I think maybe we should go home” Remus suggested quietly. “And... talk...”

“Yeah” James agreed. “Go and get all the ‘talking' out of your system. And then you two probably do need to _actually_ talk.”

Sirius nodded, extracting himself from Remus, seeming completely unembarrassed by any of this.

“Yeah OK” he said, picking up his cigarette from where he had dropped it on the floor and taking a deep puff. “Lets _talk.”_

-

“NO! STOP, NO!” Remus woke up with a jolt, his limbs thrashing about, tangled in the bedsheets. It took him a second to realise that the person yelling was him, and that Sirius was holding onto him and trying to calm him down.

“Rem, it’s alright” he was saying in a quiet and soothing voice. “You’re home. You’re safe, I’ve got you.”

Remus stopped flailing, but his heart was still racing and his breathing jagged. He was quite confused, and it took him a little while to remember that he was back in the flat, and not still in the werewolf camp. Sirius began threading his hands through Remus’s hair, in a gesture that was so comfortingly familiar that Remus unclenched and leant back into him, his heart rate finally starting to slow down.

“Sorry” he muttered.

“Its alright” Sirius whispered, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

Remus took a deep breath and wriggled out of Sirius’s arms to lie down properly. Sirius lay down facing him, still looking at him with concern.

“Remus, what really happened to you out there?” Sirius asked him seriously. Remus shook his head.

“You first. What trouble did you get into while I was away?” he replied.

“Who says I got into trouble?” Sirius said indignantly. Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Educated guess. You’ve got a new scar of your own.”

Sirius ran a hand over his forearm.

“Hoped you wouldn’t notice” he muttered. “It’s right on top of an old one.”

“I know what fresh scars look like Sirius” Remus told him. “But even if I didn’t, I know every inch of your body. I spend half my life kissing it, don’t I?”

“Still. Doesn’t mean I got into trouble” Sirius argued.

“Are you saying you didn’t?” Remus asked incredulously.

“No, I did” Sirius admitted guiltily. Remus took one of his hands and intertwined their fingers, running a thumb over the various scars on Sirius’s knuckles. He wasn’t remotely surprised, or angry. He had long ago accepted the fact that Sirius Black was fundamentally incapable of keeping himself out of trouble.

“On Christmas eve I got a letter... A letter from...” Sirius tailed off, looking pained. Remus said nothing and waited for him to go on.

“It was from Reg” he said frowning. “And it was really confusing, I still don’t even really know what he was trying to say. But at the time I thought he was asking for my help. Because he’d just dropped out of school.”

“Oh fuck, Pads, I’m sorry” Remus said consolingly.

“I... well, to be honest with you Rem I wasn't in a good way. I still hadn’t really gotten over you leaving, and then this as well...”

Remus wanted to apologise again, but he knew it would only make Sirius annoyed, so he waited in silence for Sirius to continue.

“So I went out looking for him” Sirius sighed, looking down at their hands rather than at Remus. “Ran right into the death eaters. Oh, he’s one of them now by the way. Mask and all.”

“Fucking hell, Sirius” Remus muttered.

“That’s not the worst part” Sirius said, smiling grimly.

“It’s not?” Remus asked incredulously.

“Me and James both got caught in this huge firefight. Fuck, it was all my fault that we were there, we could have both been killed” he sighed deeply. “But as it was we got out alive. The ministry picked us both up though. That’s strike two for James, and I only escaped being prosecuted because Moody pulled some strings. I’m on thin ice. Dumbledore won’t give me any more field work because Moody said if they catch me again he can’t get me out of it next time.”

“Shit...” Remus whispered. Sirius snaked an arm around him and pulled him closer, kissing the top of his head.

“It doesn’t matter. I don't give a fuck about the ministry. We'll just run away if they try and take me to Azkaban” he said.

“Oh good, yes, please make me an accessory to your lawbreaking” Remus smirked.

“Says the man who’s been living in a werewolf camp for two months” Sirius shot back. The smile slid from Remus’s face and he edged back to look at Sirius again. Sirius was looking uncharacteristically serious.

“Tell me what happened with Greyback, Remus” he said. Remus looked into his grey eyes and knew that he had to tell him the truth. Still, it wasn’t easy to talk about.

“I said he took a personal interest in me. Well, there was a reason for that.” He paused to take a deep breath and Sirius narrowed his eyes slightly, listening intently.

“He’s the one who bit me” Remus told him. Sirius’s reaction was immediate.

“He WHAT?”

“Yeah, he told me.”

“Did Dumbledore know that?” Sirius demanded. “Is that why he sent you there?”

“I don’t know” Remus admitted.

“Fuck, Rem, what did you do?”

“I didn’t know what to do. I mean, what do you say to the person who took away your whole life?” Remus sighed wearily. “The thing is, Pads, he wasn’t even sorry. He said I was something like his son. He said he was _proud_ of how well I’d done, _infiltrating_ wizard society.”

“ _Infiltrating?”_ Sirius repeated with disgust.

“I know” Remus replied darkly. “You’d have been proud of me - I punched him.”

“You did?!” Sirius said, looking pleased.

“Yeah. Then he broke my arm.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“Yeah... thing about being in a werewolf camp is, they ALL have wolf strength. So in comparison to them I'm just as weedy as I look” Remus told him. That had been quite hard to take, although retrospectively he should have been expecting it. Remus was much stronger than all of his normal friends and it was something he sort of took for granted. He hadn’t had much cause to exert his physical strength over the others over the years, but on the rare occasion he’d gotten into a scrap with James or Sirius he’d been able to best them with very little effort. Suddenly, in the midst of his own kind, he felt very weak. Vulnerable.

“After I'd calmed down we talked about it. And he genuinely DOES think that he did me a favour. He really wanted me to stay there with him.”

“Fucking hell” Sirius shook his head. “I’d have killed him if it was me.”

“We were actually on relatively good terms by the time I left” Remus replied. “We sort of had an ‘agree to disagree’ understanding.”

“ _Agree to disagree_?” Sirius said incredulously. “We’re talking about killing and infecting people, Remus, it’s not the sort of thing you agree to disagree on.”

“I’m not going to change his mind. No one is” Remus said. “So if I want to keep in contact, that’s what I had to do.”

“So you’re keeping in touch, are you?” Sirius asked, sounding very unimpressed and pulling his hand away from Remus. “Thinking about making it a holiday home?”

“I might have to go back, yes” Remus said quietly. “We didn’t agree on anything concrete, so they still might join Voldemort if he asks them.”

“That’s great, Remus, just great” Sirius said flatly, looking away from him.

“This isn’t news, Sirius” Remus frowned. “I told you what my mission was, and I didn’t achieve it. So if I need to go back, then that's what I have to do.”

“And to hell with how it affects me, right?” Sirius spat. “Some things are more important than my _feelings_ , right?”

“Sirius, _don't_ ” Remus pleaded, wrapping both his arms around Sirius’s shoulders. “I should never have said that. I DO care how it affects you, OK?”

Remus felt Sirius’s shoulders sag as he sighed. He put a hand on one of Remus’s arms that was in front of his neck, giving it a squeeze.

“I don’t think I could handle you leaving again” he confessed quietly. He sounded like a broken man and it made Remus want to cry. He held onto Sirius even tighter, but he didn’t know what to say. How he could ever possibly begin to make this right.


	6. Rehabilitation

Sirius woke up groggily to the sound of someone clattering about in the kitchen. It was extremely disorientating after having been sleeping on James and Lily’s sofa for two months to be waking up in his own bed, with the smell of Remus all over him, and for a moment he was very confused, but then yesterday’s events all came flooding back to him.

Sirius smiled as he stretched his arms over his head. _Remus._ He was home. He was finally fucking home, and even though he had clearly seen some things out there that he could never unsee, he was alive and unharmed for the most part. And he was _here._

It was that thought and nothing else that made Sirius haul himself out of bed. He had no idea what time it was but it was dark and quiet outside and Sirius felt like he definitely hadn’t slept enough. It must be early.

He dragged one of the sheets off the bed, wrapping it around his waist as he shuffled towards the living room and kitchen. Sure enough, Remus was in the kitchen cooking something. Sirius paused in the doorway, watching him for a moment. He was, rather gratifyingly, wearing Sirius’s t-shirt that he’d had on yesterday and it was hanging off his lean frame, exposing his collarbone in a way that made Sirius want to run over to him and bite it. His hair had grown slightly longer than he usually kept it and he had to keep clumsily sweeping it out of his eyes, with a bony hand. Every single thing about him was just beautiful.

Remus turned around to get something out of a drawer and caught sight of Sirius.

“Oh, hey” he said softly, sounding a little surprised. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“S'alright” Sirius muttered, walking over to Remus and hugging him from behind, nuzzling into the back of his neck.

“Hmmm” Remus sighed, wrapping his own arms around Sirius’s and leaning back into him. “Let me just eat this and then let’s go back to bed.”

“What are you making?” Sirius asked, looking over Remus’s shoulder. There was a frying pan on the hob with a large chunk of meat in it. “Is that steak?” he asked incredulously. 

“It was in the freezer” Remus replied. Sirius laughed a little.

“You should have said, if you were hungry. I’m sure we could have got some bread from somewhere, or something” he said before giving Remus a kiss on the neck.

“Um, I kind of wanted some meat actually” Remus said quietly. “That’s mostly what I’ve been eating, you know... out there...”

“Right...” Sirius replied faintly. He supposed it was going to be a bit of an adjustment for Remus, getting back to his normal life. First the nightmares and now this.

“Any other wolfy habits I should know about?” he asked warily. 

“Getting up at the crack of dawn is one of them I guess” Remus sighed. “I need to reset my sleep cycle.”

“Yeah you do” Sirius muttered. “What time is it?”

“About six-ish” Remus replied casually.

“Six?!” Sirius cried indignantly. No wonder he was still tired. “Jesus!”

“Sorry” Remus said again, smiling grimly at Sirius as he extracted himself and shuffled towards the kettle.

“So” Sirius said as he filled it up. “No cigarettes and no gin. What about coffee? Did they have that in the colonies?”

“Actually they did” Remus smiled. “No sugar though.”

“That must have been torture for you” Sirius grinned.

“It certainly made things harder” Remus replied as he scraped his steak out of the pan and onto a plate. He went to the table to eat it while Sirius made coffee for the both of them.

“Hey, Sirius...” Remus began tentatively as he sat down. Sirius turned around to face him.

“Are we OK?” Remus asked worriedly. Sirius gave him a consoling smile.

“Yeah” he replied gently. “We’re OK.”

“I didn’t know you’d be so...” Remus went on earnestly. “I thought you’d be OK.”

“Well then, you underestimated how important you are to me” Sirius said quietly, turning back to the coffee. He put two heaped teaspoons of sugar into Remus’s and took the mugs to the table, sitting opposite Remus, who hadn’t yet touched his food and still looked rather concerned.

“I’m still pretty pissed off about the way that you left” Sirius admitted, wrapping his hands around his mug. “But that’s sort of outweighed at the moment by how happy I am to have you home.”

“But once that novelty wears off, you’re just going to be angry with me” Remus said sadly.

“I guess so” Sirius shrugged. “For a little while at least. You DO kind of deserve it, don't you think?”

“Yeah, I know, I do” Remus agreed. “But I just...” He gave Sirius a pained look. “Please tell me I haven’t ruined this. You and me.”

Sirius surveyed him for a moment. He was clearly very sorry for how much he had hurt him, but at the same time he couldn’t take back what he’d done.

“I’m not planning on leaving you, if that’s what you’re asking” Sirius replied slowly. “But that doesn’t mean it’s OK, what you did. Because it’s really not.”

“But you will forgive me eventually right?” Remus pressed him.

“Of course I will” Sirius replied. “But you can’t ever pull that kind of shit on me again, Moons, I mean it” he added firmly. Remus nodded, his eyes full of sorrow.

“I won’t” he said earnestly. “If Dumbledore asks me to go again then we’ll talk about it. And I won’t go if you ask me not to. I promise.”

Sirius nodded mutely, not meeting his eye. Maybe Remus meant that now, when he was full of remorse and doing his best to get back in Sirius’s good graces. But Sirius didn’t know how well that promise would hold up in a few months time, when everything was back to normal and the order became more important than their relationship again. As much as he really wanted to believe it, he didn’t quite trust Remus again yet.

“Eat your steak” he said gently. “So I can take you back to bed.”

Remus nodded again and picked up the meat in both of his hands, taking a large bite out of it. Sirius was rather taken aback by this and raised an eyebrow at him.

“What?” Remus asked, looking back at him blankly.

“Nothing” Sirius said quickly. Apparently there were going to be quite a few wolfish habits he was going to have to let slide while Remus was settling back in. Remus seemed to realise what he had just done and put the steak back down on the plate looking slightly dazed.

“Cutlery” he muttered, seemingly more to himself than to Sirius, and then huffed out a small laugh. “I forgot” he said disbelievingly, shaking his head. “Fucking hell...” 

“No forks in the werewolf colonies, then?” Sirius smiled. Remus apparently was no longer finding it funny though. He got up to go and get some cutlery from the drawer and was looking pensive as he returned.

“Fuck, Pads, you have to tell me when I do something like that” he said seriously. “I don’t want to be like that.” 

“It’s alright Rem, it’s only your first day back” Sirius told him.

“I just want things to be _normal_ again, you know?” Remus muttered. Sirius nodded understandingly. He wanted that too.

-

Throughout the day Sirius quickly realised that before things returned to normal, they were going to have to go through a short period of things being really fucking weird. Remus was behaving very oddly. He seemed to be quite agitated, and spent most of the morning pacing about the flat and moving things around – including pushing the sofa all the way up against one of the walls. When Sirius asked what he was doing, he said that the space felt too small. Sirius supposed it would do, to someone who had spent two months living out in the wild. He tried to distract Remus with a game of chess, but that wasn’t much better. Remus got all twitchy every time Sirius reached over to his side of the board, and it was clear he was having trouble sitting still. He was bouncing his leg up and down so much that it was vibrating the table.

When it reached midday Sirius took a trip to the shop to get some food, since the kitchen cupboards in the flat were bare. He had asked Remus if he wanted to join, but Remus said he wasn’t ready to be around other people yet, and Sirius privately agreed that it was probably for the best. Sirius stocked up on various types of meat, since it would probably take a while to wean Remus back onto a normal diet. He also bought a bottle of gin, and enough chocolate to last most normal people about a year, to try and cheer him up. When he returned, Remus was slumped over the table, fast asleep, lying on top of the chess board.

“Hey” Sirius said gently, putting the bags down on the floor and going over to Remus. “You’ll hurt your back sleeping like that.”

Remus stirred a little but didn’t wake up. He looked so peaceful that Sirius didn’t really want to disturb him, but it wouldn't be kind to leave him there like that to pull a muscle or something.

“Moony” he said a little louder, giving him a gentle shake by the shoulder. Remus’s eyes flicked open and before Sirius knew what was happening, Remus lashed out at him, punching him squarely in the jaw.

“Fuck!” Sirius cried, stumbling backwards. He’d forgotten how strong Remus was, he felt like his face was on fire. He put a hand to it, but he couldn’t feel anything except that burning pain. When he removed his hand there was blood on his fingers. He must have a split lip.

“Oh, no!” Remus said, his eyes open wide with shock, reaching out a shaking hand towards Sirius. “Shit, I’m _so_ sorry, it was a reflex.”

“A reflex?” Sirius replied moodily, going to the kitchen to grab a tea towel to hold against his lip. “Jesus, Moony, I was just trying to make sure you don’t slip a disc or something.”

“I’m really sorry” Remus said, tentatively approaching Sirius, looking horrified. “I didn’t mean to...”

“Any other _reflexes_ I should know about?” Sirius demanded. “Are you going to chin me if I don’t put enough sugar in your tea?”

“I'm _sorry_ ” Remus wailed. “Fuck, I feel like I’m losing my mind! It’s like part of me has just gone completely... feral...” He looked devastated and Sirius’s annoyance at him softened.

“It’s alright” he sighed, lowering the towel from his face to see how much blood there was. Not that much, as it turned out. His face probably felt worse than it actually was.

“No, it’s not” Remus insisted. “I _hurt_ you, Sirius.”

“It’s not that bad” Sirius told him. “Not like you’ve never given me a fat lip before.”

“I didn’t just mean that” Remus said quietly. “And I haven’t hit you, not since we’ve been together. The last time I punched you in the face was fourth year.”

“For calling Wormtail a fat shit” Sirius smiled. “I remember.”

“I’m sorry Sirius” Remus said sincerely. Sirius closed the gap between them and put an arm around him.

“Yeah, I got that” he replied, pulling Remus towards him for a hug. Remus returned the hug, putting his arms around Sirius’s waist, but his body was tense.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” Remus whispered.

“It’ll be alright” Sirius said quietly. “It’s just going to take some time.”

“I should never have gone” Remus said, shaking his head. Sirius had nothing to say to that. He couldn’t help but agree, Remus probably shouldn’t have gone. But there was nothing that could be done about that now. They stayed there in the kitchen holding onto each other for quite some time, until Sirius’s cheek and lip started throbbing painfully. The whole side of his face felt like it was swollen. 

“Sorry, love, I need to put some ice on this or something” Sirius said, pulling away.

“Oh, god” Remus replied regretfully. “Here, let me” he dug his wand out of his back pocket and Sirius stood still, letting him perform a healing charm. If nothing else, the one thing you could always rely on Remus for was his expertise on healing minor injuries. He’d been doing it for all of them, all the way through school. However, the pressure in the swelling didn’t seem to be alleviated as effectively as usual, despite the fact that Remus was screwing up his face in concentration with his wand tip on Sirius’s face.

“Um, Moons... how’s your magic?” Sirius asked carefully.

“Bit rusty, I think” Remus sighed, lowering his wand. “I didn’t have my wand with me while I was out there, I left it with Dumbledore.”

“How come?” Sirius asked frowning.

“Any kinds of magical artefacts are rare in the colonies” Remus shrugged. “Because half of them were muggles to begin with. Wands especially are an extremely valuable commodity. I could have been killed for it if I had it on me.”

“Right...” Sirius muttered. His lip was still stinging and he put a hand to it. Sure enough, it was bleeding again.

Remus gave a long-suffering sigh and went over to the cupboard where they kept the medicines.

“Where’s the dittany?” he asked, digging around in the box of potions.

“Oh, I think James still has it” Sirius told him, experimentally prodding the side of his face. He’d got some feeling back in his upper cheek, so the charm had at least been partially effective.

“Why does James have it?” Remus asked, eyeing Sirius warily. Sirius merely gestured to the scar on his arm in response.

“Ah. Right” Remus replied awkwardly.

“Look, just forget about it” Sirius said. “Lets have some lunch, shall we?”

“You can’t eat with your mouth like that” Remus replied, looking pained.

“Is it really that bad?” Sirius asked, picking up a spoon from the side and trying to look at his reflection. It was hard to tell because the curved metal was distorting the image, but one side of his mouth did look alarmingly swollen, and rather bloody. Sirius hastily put a finger in his mouth to see if he was missing any teeth. Fortunately, he wasn’t, but one at the back was a little loose.

“Ah, shit...” he muttered.

“Do you need to go to a healer?” Remus asked worriedly.

“No, don't be so dramatic” Sirius said, putting the spoon down and waving a hand airily. “I can fix it myself.”

“You shouldn’t perform healing charms on yourself” Remus frowned. “Especially not on your teeth, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing.”

“You do healing spells on yourself all the time” Sirius argued.

“Yeah but I know what I’m doing” Remus countered. “I’ve been doing it for years. But if you hit the wrong spot you can burst a blood vessel or something.”

“Well, what do you suggest?” Sirius asked a little impatiently. Remus was looking pained again.

“We're going to have to go to James’s place” he said. “He’ll have to do it.”

“Not on your fucking life” Sirius protested. “The last time I let Prongs near me with a wand I lost half my hair and an eyebrow, remember?”

“Lily, then” Remus said wearily.

Sirius hesitated. He knew that Remus was right, he still couldn’t really feel anything in the left side of his jaw. But James’s icy reception to Remus yesterday had spoken volumes, and he wasn’t entirely sure how much of a good idea it was to show up at his house and tell James that Remus had just smacked him in the face. Even if it was an accident.

“I know James is still angry with me” Remus said quietly, correctly interpreting Sirius’s silence. “He has every right to be.”

“I just don’t want to add fuel to the fire, you know?” Sirius muttered. Remus nodded.

“I know, but I’m not going to let you suffer just because James is mad at me” he replied.

“Alright, fuck it” Sirius sighed. “Let's go.”

-

“Jesus Christ, what happened to you?” Lily asked by way of greeting as Sirius climbed out of the fireplace.

“Nice to see you too” Sirius replied gruffly, looking around the room. ”Where’s James?”

“At Gid and Fab's again” she said. “Doing something for the order, I don’t know. Seriously, what happened to you?”

“I took Moony by surprise” Sirius told her, as the man in question flooed in behind him.

“Remus, did you do this?” Lily demanded, scowling at him.

“I didn’t mean to” he replied helplessly. “I was asleep and my brain sensed an intruder and I just... It was an accident” he tailed off lamely.

“Bloody hell, sit down” she said, moving over on the sofa to make room and picking her wand up off the coffee table. Sirius perched next to her and she leaned in uncomfortably close to his face, examining the damage.

“How many times did you hit him?” she asked Remus indignantly.

“Just the once” Sirius told her calmly.

“This is from one hit?!”

“He’s strong” Sirius shrugged.

“Fucking hell, Moony” Lily muttered darkly as she started to heal Sirius’s lip. He let out an involuntary moan as the pain receded and he felt his face return to a normal size.

“He’s got a loose tooth too” Remus told her, and Lily’s scowl deepened.

“Show me” she said flatly to Sirius. He opened his mouth and pointed to it.

“Tha' one” he said, keeping his mouth open but clenching his eyes shut as she stuck her wand in there. He didn’t even realise how much his teeth had been hurting too until the healing charm took effect and suddenly the pain was gone.

“Wow, thanks mate” he said, prodding his jaw again. He could actually feel it now, although it was still rather tender.

“You’ll still get some pretty bad bruising” Lily told him. “But your teeth shouldn’t fall out or anything.” Sirius smiled gratefully at her and then cast a glance back to Remus, who was still hovering awkwardly by the fireplace.

“Are you coming in, or...?” Lily asked him coldly.

“Hey, don't be too hard on him” Sirius said gently, as Remus cautiously took a seat in the armchair. “It _was_ an accident. And he was practically beside himself when he realised what he’d done.”

Lily’s expression softened.

“I just don’t like seeing my boys hurt” she said to both of them. “ANY of you.”

Remus nodded mutely, still looking rather wary.

“So” Lily said. “Have you two made up, then?” Sirius exchanged a look with Remus, who gave him a small, slightly sad smile. Sirius returned it with a warm one.

“Yeah, more or less” he replied.

“Good” she replied, shooting Remus a small smile herself, which he looked exceptionally grateful for. “Because you know what happens now, don't you?” she went on. “We have a wedding to plan.”

“When you say ‘we', I hope you’re referring to James and yourself” Sirius said. Remus chuckled and Sirius winked at him.

“And you, _best man_ ” she said pointedly. “And you as well, Moony, don't think you’re getting out of helping to organize it. We’ve been waiting for you to get back to do this.”

“You have?” Remus asked, looking surprised.

“Well of course” Lily replied, frowning. “We can’t get married without you there.”

Remus looked extremely touched by this, and his eyes shone with actual tears as he looked back at her.

“Come here, you idiot” Lily muttered, standing up to go over and hug him.

“I'm so sorry” Sirius heard Remus say as Lily wrapped her arms around him.

“He’s been saying that a lot” Sirius told her.

“We're all glad that you’re back. OK?” Lily said firmly to Remus as she released him. He nodded, giving her a watery smile.


	7. Forgiveness

“What the hell did you do now?” James demanded as Sirius walked sheepishly over to him, sporting a brilliant bruise that covered almost half of his jaw. Sirius was supposed to be under house arrest and Moody would have a coronary if he found out the two of them had gone out to a pub in the first place, never mind Sirius getting into a fight somehow along the way.

“I don’t know _what_ you’re talking about” Sirius replied casually, sliding elegantly into a seat opposite James at the table. James pushed one of the two pints in front of him over towards his friend.

“Don’t try and bullshit me” James scowled, leaning over the table to examine Sirius’s face. “Look at the state of you.”

Sirius looked rather confused at this and froze in the action of lifting his drink to him mouth to frown back at James. James couldn’t imagine what there was to be confused about. Did Sirius really think he could show up here looking like someone had kicked the shit out of him and NOT expect James to pass comment?

“Lily didn’t tell you” Sirius said quietly, putting his drink down. It wasn’t a question. James was even more confused, especially as he took a closer look at Sirius’s face and realised by the colour of the bruising that whatever had happened to him must have been a couple of days ago.

“No, she didn't” James replied slowly. “Want to fill me in?”

Sirius grimaced slightly before picking up his drink and gulping a good portion of it down. He evidently _didn’t_ want to fill James in, which probably meant that James wasn’t going to like it. He watched Sirius with an unimpressed expression while he lit a cigarette to further delay having to answer the question. As Sirius put his lighter down on the table and exhaled a puff of smoke, James raised an eyebrow at him.

“Oh sorry, d’you want one?” Sirius asked, pulling the packet back out of is pocket and offering it to James. “I never know whether you’ve quit or not...”

“Stop stalling” James said firmly, taking a cigarette but continuing to fix Sirius with his best no-nonsense stare. Sirius was probably the only person in the world who it actually worked on, which was ironic really, because the man didn’t seem to listen to anyone else. 

“I’m not stalling” Sirius replied defensively. “I’m avoiding the question. I don’t really think I should tell you.”

“If you don’t, Lily will” James argued.

“If she hasn’t already then she agrees that it’s best you don’t know” Sirius countered. James knew this was true and it stumped him for a moment. Sirius took a triumphant swig of his drink.

“I’ll ask Moony then” James said after a pause. Sirius choked on his drink, sputtering and coughing as he put it down again.

“No. Don’t do that” he replied hoarsely.

“For fucks sake, Pads” James said impatiently. “If EVERYONE else knows it won’t stay secret for long, so why don’t you just tell me?” Sirius gave no indication that he was going to do so, so James went on. “You’re not in trouble are you?” he asked worriedly. “Is it something to do with Reg?”

“Oh Christ no, nothing like that” Sirius said, shaking his head. He sighed deeply and took a particularly long inhale from his cigarette while eyeing James appraisingly. James said nothing, and waited for him to decide whether he was going to divulge what had happened or not.

“You haven’t really seen Moony since he got back, have you?” Sirius asked slowly. James felt a little wrong footed by the abrupt change of subject, and didn’t answer straight away. He was also slightly ashamed to admit that he’d actually been actively avoiding Remus ever since he’d come home, unable to fully let go of the lingering anger he had towards him for abandoning Sirius like that.

“No, I haven’t” James replied quietly, after a pause.

“He’s...” Sirius scrunched up his face slightly. “He’s not himself” he said in a rather pained manner.

“What do you mean?” James asked frowning. Sirius pulled that weird face again, as though it was physically hurting him to talk about it.

“He’s just... he’s obviously been through some shit, you know?” Sirius said, gesturing with his hand that was holding the cigarette.

“So have we” James added darkly. Sirius shrugged, as though this was besides the point.

“He’s been a bit... twitchy” Sirius said, putting a tentative hand to his face.

“Are you saying _he_ did this to you?!” James demanded, accidentally slamming his drink down onto the table much harder than he meant to in his outrage.

“It was an _accident_ ” Sirius replied hastily. “He didn’t mean to do it, he just... reacted.”

“Reacted to what?!”

“Me waking him up...”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Prongs, _please_ calm down” Sirius put a hand on James’s arm, looking very serious. “It's not a big deal.”

“When your boyfriend beats the living hell out of you, that's a fucking big deal, Sirius” James argued. He couldn’t believe that Sirius could be so calm about this. So willing to just let it slide.

“He did not ‘beat the living hell’ out of me” Sirius said flatly. “It was one hit. And he was heartbroken afterwards.”

“Jesus, that was one hit?” James asked in amazement, reaching out to examine Sirius’s face, which was various shades of blue and purple. Sirius ducked his head, not letting James touch him.

“Yeah, I think he got stronger out there” Sirius replied with a distinct note of pride in his voice. James scowled at him.

“Sirius, this is NOT OK” James insisted. “If he’s... dangerous-“

“Prongs, come on” Sirius cut across him. “This is _Moony_ we’re talking about, since when has he ever been dangerous?”

James felt a twinge of guilt at that. Remus wouldn’t hurt a fly on purpose, anyone who had ever met him could attest to that, and James had always been one of the first people to defend him against anyone who though otherwise because of his condition. Remus would have been devastated to hear James describing him as ‘dangerous.’ That being said, if he could lash out at Sirius like that... He clearly wasn’t himself.

“I don’t like seeing you hurt” James said to Sirius earnestly.

“That’s what your missus said” Sirius smirked.

“Well, we care about you” James replied firmly. Sirius’s expression softened and James took a swig of his drink. “Tosser” he added quietly as he put his pint back on the table, to try and lighten the mood a little. Sirius grinned back at him.

“I appreciate it, mate” Sirius said earnestly as he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray. “But I’m fine. Really. Fuck, I’m just glad to have him back, you know?”

James looked at him for a moment, studying his expression. He really did look happy – certainly happier than James had seen him in months. He understood the relief at Remus being back home, alive and well, but he didn’t entirely understand how everything could just be _fine_.

“But aren’t you still angry with him?” James asked eventually.

“Honestly, no” Sirius replied, shaking his head. “I _was_ , that day that he showed up. I was furious. But even then, even though I was so mad, I was just so happy to see him again.” Sirius ran his fingers absent-mindedly through his fringe as he went on. “I keep waiting for it to surface, all this repressed anger. But I don’t think it’s there. I think I just... I was lost without him, you know? And now he’s home again and it’s just... I’m happy.”

He gave James a warm and genuine smile and James felt another twinge of guilt. He knew that was how he should feel too, but his anger was still very much present. Some of this must have shown on his face, as Sirius’s expression darkened.

“I know that you’re not quite there yet” Sirius told him. James thought for a split second about denying this, but there really was no point in lying to Sirius. The man could see right through him.

“I want to be” he said honestly. Sirius nodded.

“I would say that things will be back to normal in no time, but...” Sirius shrugged. “Normal has never exactly been our thing, has it?”

“You’re right about that” James agreed darkly, staring into his glass.

-

“He does this on purpose, doesn’t he?” James said, scowling as Lily read the note (addressed to James, from Dumbledore) that he had just passed to her.

“I think Dumbledore has bigger things on his plate right now than the fact that you’re still sulking about Remus leaving” Lily replied calmly, folding the note and tossing it onto the coffee table.

“I’m not sulking” James muttered indignantly. Lily ignored him.

Dumbledore _did_ do these things on purpose. He must. James was adamant about that. It couldn’t be coincidence that after months of giving up on surveillance at the Leaky Cauldron in favour of more important order work, all of a sudden he wanted James and Remus to stake out the place again. Both of them. Together. All day. Never mind that it had never been a two person job. Never mind that according to Sirius, Remus was still jumping a foot in the air at every unexpected noise or movement.

“I mean, what if something sets him off and he lashes out again?” James demanded, following Lily from the living room into the kitchen.

“Well that’s probably why Dumbledore wants you there. To keep an eye on him” she replied, not looking at him and opening the cupboard and peering into it, probably looking for snacks.

James could tell she was bored of this conversation. He had been complaining to her a lot about the fact that Sirius had so easily forgiven Remus for everything he had done, after the hellish couple of months they had had while he had been away. Lily had been sympathetic at first, but it was clear that she was pretty much over the whole thing, like Sirius, and was running out of patience with James for holding onto this grudge. For his part, James really did want to let it go, but he just couldn’t. He wasn’t even sure why he felt so personally hurt by the whole thing – after all, it was Sirius who had borne the brunt of it.

“I just don’t see why it has to be me” James said, following Lily back into the living room. She sat down on the sofa and opened the jar of olives she had brought through from the kitchen, digging them out with her fingers. She never used to like olives, but the baby was apparently changing her tastes. She went through a jar a week now.

“Because you’re one of his best friends. And Sirius is under house arrest” Lily said flatly, not taking her attention away from the olives.

“So is Peter and I don’t see him being dragged into this” James muttered. He was fully aware of how sulky and petulant he sounded, despite having only just denied being any such thing.

“Peter isn’t the one with the problem” Lily said, so quietly that James only just heard it. She was looking quite annoyed now, which only served to make James even more frustrated.

“Peter’s nowhere to be fucking found these days anyway” James scowled. “Useless rat. Always leaves me to deal with everything. It’s always bloody me, isn’t it? Picking up the pieces. And you can bet I’ll have to do it again, the next time Remus breaks Sirius’s heart…”

Lily frowned at him, putting down the olive jar and giving him her full attention for the first time. James stared defiantly back at her.

“What’s going on with you?” she asked seriously, scrutinising him. James didn’t really know how to answer that. He was just so _fed up_ of it all.

“Nothing” he grumbled, shuffling towards the hallway. “Forget it.”

“ _James_ ” Lily said, in a much gentler tone, standing up and hovering in the doorway while he pulled his jacket on.

“I’m off” he said, not looking at her and walking towards the front door. He wasn’t needed at the Leaky Cauldron for another hour yet, but he wasn’t ready to sit down and talk about why he was so pissed off just yet. Especially because he didn’t really know why.

“OK, fine” Lily said, her voice neutral but James didn’t need to look at her to know her face would be lined with concern. “Just…” she gave a small sigh. “Don’t be too hard on him, alright? It’s _Moony._ ”

James nodded and gave her a wave as he exited the house. He was all too aware that this was _Moony_ they were dealing with. Didn’t Lily understand that that was precisely why he felt so betrayed? _Because_ it was Moony. One of his best friends. The shy quiet boy he had befriended at school because he seemed like he needed a friend. And then they had bonded over Remus’s unexpectedly wicked sense of humour and penchant for mischief. And there were all the full moons they had been through together, bringing them even closer. Then he had watched Sirius and Remus fall in love, knowing what was going to happen even before the two of them did. He had never in his wildest dreams imagined that Remus would just take off and abandon them all like that. He could have died out there, and then what? He would never have been at James and Lily’s wedding. He would never have met their child. He would have left Sirius irreparably heartbroken, probably for the rest of his life. He would have broken the marauders. 

James was still brooding on this thought when he arrived at the pub. He ordered a pint, even thought it was barely past noon, and slumped down at a table in the corner of the room. He knew he was going to have to just suck it up and try at the very least to be civil with Remus when he arrived. But he really wasn’t looking forward to it.

The thought had barely entered his mind when the door opened and none other than Remus himself walked into the pub, his eyes darting around nervously. He looked rather surprised to see James there and walked over to him, his eyes narrowed a little suspiciously.

James’s first thought was that Sirius’s description of Remus being ‘twitchy’ was quite apt. Remus was fiddling with the cuff of his jumper and kept scratching at the skin on his wrists, which was quite red, as though he’d been doing it for a while. He also couldn’t stop looking around them, as though expecting someone to jump out at him at any second. It was only when he reached the table that he gave James his full attention.

“You’re early” Remus said quietly, his voice a little raspy.

“So are you” James replied awkwardly. Remus gave a single nod and abruptly turned back around and went to the bar. James watched as Remus ordered a drink before turning back to the room and looking furtively around again. James had no idea what it was he was looking for, but he was going to have to stop doing that, he was starting to draw attention to himself. A couple of the other customers were eyeing him with interest, muttering to each other. He certainly did look suspicious, especially as he visibly flinched when the barman spoke to him, presumably to tell him his drink was ready. Remus paid the man and all but ran back over to James’s table, clutching a glass of orange juice with white knuckles.

“You alright?” James asked carefully as Remus haphazardly pulled a chair out and sat opposite him. Once seated, Remus hunched over his drink with both hands around it, as though guarding it.

“Sorry” Remus muttered, looking down at the table. “I’m a bit… jittery. That’s why I got here early. I wanted to settle down before you came.”

“Oh… right…” James replied. He had cited concern about Remus’s mental state as a reason he didn’t want to be on duty with him, but in truth James hadn’t really been concerned about it until now. He felt his anger start to dissipate and be replaced by concern as Remus fidgeted with his hands, clawing at the skin on his wrists again.

“I know you saw Sirius the other day” Remus offered, still not looking at him. “He said you didn’t talk about me, but I know you did. I mean, it’s OK, I expected he would. He needs to talk to someone. But I guess he’s told you about how I’m… how things have been.”

“He mentioned it, yeah” James replied. ”Couldn’t exactly hide it, could he?” Remus nodded, ducking his head even lower in shame.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him” he went on, his voice barely above a whisper. “It was an accident. I would never…” he shook his head. “I told him we should maybe stay in separate rooms for a bit, but he won’t.”

“I think you two have been apart for long enough, don’t you?” James said, a little coldly. Remus finally looked up at him.

“I don’t want us to be apart” he said desperately. “I just don’t want to hurt him.”

“But you _did_ though” James hissed, his anger breaking again unexpectedly. “And I’m not just talking about that bruise on his face.”

“I know” Remus replied, looking pained. “And I know I hurt you too.”

“Well- that’s-” James spluttered. He wanted to say that it was besides the point, but it wasn’t really. He _was_ hurt. And if they were ever going to move past this he needed to admit it.

“Yes” James said finally. “You did.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. James sipped his drink, because he needed something to do with his hands, and he didn’t particularly want to look at Remus’s tortured face. After a while, he couldn’t take it anymore and roughly put his drink back down on the table.

“Have you got any cigs?” he asked Remus gruffly. Remus looked a little surprised, but nodded and dug a battered packet out of his pocket. They each lit one and exhaled their smoke over the table.

“I’m doing a shit job of quitting” James muttered. Lily would probably smack him in the head if she found out how much he’d smoked over the past couple of months.

“You picked the worst possible time to quit” Remus replied with the slightest hint of a smirk. James couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“Tell me about it” he said wryly, and Remus gave him a small smile.

Lily had once said that smoking somehow made difficult situations less uncomfortable. James had no idea why it should, but he couldn’t help but agree. Now that they both had something to do in between talking to each other, some of the tension between James and Remus seemed to be easing.

“Must be easier now with Pads out of your hair though” Remus said conversationally.

“Nah, not really” James replied. “Now I just have no-one to blame it on when I sneak off for one in the middle of the night.”

Remus smiled again and James was struck by a sudden realisation.

“Actually” he said slowly “I kind of miss having Sirius around. Even though he was so mopey, it was a bit like old times, you know?”

Remus nodded understandingly.

“You two lived together for a long time” he said softly.

“Yeah” James agreed, slightly wistfully. “Not that I don’t like living with Lily, because I do. It’s just…” He tailed off, having no idea how to articulate the weird sense of nostalgia he was feeling.

“I know what you mean” Remus sighed, sitting back in his chair, finally starting to relax a little. “It used to be the four of us against the world. But now the world is completely fucked up and nothing is simple anymore.”

“That’s exactly it” James nodded. Moony always did have a way with words. “And now we hardly ever even see Wormy anymore, and you and Sirius have each other – which is great, don’t get me wrong – but I just…” James tailed off again, looking into his drink. In the awkward silence earlier he had drank a good portion of it, which had probably gone to his head and was surely a contributing factor to why he was so readily pouring his heart out right now. Still, it felt quite cathartic to let it all out. Over the past few months he’d been trying so hard not to burden Lily or Sirius with any of his worries, and he hadn’t even realised until now how much they were weighing down on him. He looked back up at Remus, who was watching him with an understanding expression, and for the second time in this conversation he felt a sudden wave of clarity.

“I’m scared that something is going to happen” he said baldly. Remus looked a little taken aback, but continued to sit in silence, listening to James. “I’m scared that one day I’ll get a letter telling me that one of you is gone and that things will never be the same again” he went on. “That we won’t be the marauders anymore and that we probably won’t even be able to bear seeing each other anymore because of the pain of what we’ve lost.”

James could feel tears stinging in his eyes now and Remus was looking at him slightly warily, but now he’d started letting it out he couldn’t stop.

“And I’m about to be a _Dad_ , Moony. I mean… _fuck_. I don’t want my kid growing up in a world without you in it. And where I’m all bitter and cynical because my best mate ran off and got himself killed, and the last thing I ever said to him was some stupid shit about punching Snape in the face.”

Remus’s expression softened at these words. James noted that he had finally stopped clawing at his wrists and was now sat still with his hands settled loosely on the table. He opened his mouth as though to say something and then faltered, looking troubled. James looked down at his drink again, feeling slightly embarrassed about his outburst.

“Look, I know I’ve been hard on you about you leaving” he muttered. “I don’t _want_ to be angry.”

“You know, Sirius is always on at me about my self-esteem” Remus ventured. James looked at him, a little thrown by the change of subject, but he waited for Remus to elaborate.

“I never really thought it mattered that much, what I thought of myself. But I think I get it now” Remus went on. “Because when I left, it never occurred to me for a second how much it would hurt all of you. I really never thought I was that important. I figured that Sirius would miss me, sure, but I never imagined he’d fall apart the way he did.”

“Moony” James frowned at him. “After all these years how can you still think you’re not important?”

“Fuck, I don’t know” Remus said quietly, shaking his head. “It also never occurred to me that I could die out there. I didn’t know that any of you would be worried about that.”

“I’m ALWAYS worried about that” James told him firmly. “And so is Sirius, even though he doesn’t say it.”

“I know that _now_ ” Remus replied.

Another silence settled over them, but it was much more comfortable than the last one. As painful as this talk had been, it had probably been necessary. James was feeling much better, and much less angry. He gave Remus a weak smile.

“How are you getting on, anyway?” he asked, his eyes raking over the scar over Remus’s left eye. It was a little more faded than it had been when he’d first gotten back (presumably he’d been putting some healing potions on it) but it was still very much visible.

“Better, I think” Remus shrugged. “I’m still not used to being out in public though. I keep thinking a pack of feral kids is going to jump me any second.”

James choked on the mouthful of beer he’d just taken.

“Kids?!” he asked incredulously.

“Fuck you, werewolf kids are strong” Remus replied indignantly. “And they’re vicious.”

“I’m sorry” James laughed. “Just the image of you with a load of wild kids hanging off your arms…”

Remus scowled at him and James laughed even harder.

“Well it’s good practise for when my little one comes, I guess” he grinned.


	8. The Trial

“So, what were you doing in Colne Valley that day?” Lily asked Sirius, reading aloud from a piece of parchment she had held up in front of her. Sirius sighed heavily and fidgeted in the armchair, slouching down moodily.

“We were going to do some repairs on my barn” he replied monotonously. They had been going over his testimony for his upcoming trial with the ministry for several days now and Sirius was rapidly losing patience with the whole affair.

“When you say ‘we', you’re referring to yourself and...?”

“Freddie Mercury” Sirius said flippantly. “Nice chap, very handy with a screwdriver.”

“Sirius, will you please take this seriously” Lily scowled. “I’m trying to help you here.”

“I just don’t see the point in all this” Sirius replied, equally as irritable. “I haven’t _done_ anything!”

“A death eater is _dead_ , Pads, that’s not nothing” Lily argued.

“But they KNOW I didn’t do it” Sirius countered. “They questioned me pretty thoroughly when it happened, so we’ve already been over all this.”

“That’s exactly the point, you idiot” Lily shot back. “They’re going to compare what you say now to the statement you gave back then. So we need to get your story straight.”

“It’s not a story, it’s _what happened_ ” Sirius said, gesturing in frustration. “I don't need to rehearse it.”

“Well I disagree” Lily replied dismissively. “And even disregarding what you’re going to say, your courtroom demeanour definitely needs some work.”

“Look, if you’re talking about the other day-“ Sirius began, but Lily cut across him.

“They're going to bring up Remus’s condition, you need to be prepared for that!”

“I’m NOT going to just sit there nicely and let them talk that kind of shit about him!” Sirius said loudly. Lily sighed, rubbing her eyes in frustration. Sirius said nothing. He sort of understood where she was coming from, but he absolutely would not back down on this.

A few days prior, Moody had come over to run through the sort of questions that the Wizenagamot was likely to ask him at the trial. It had not gone well. Moody’s questions quickly escalated from a factual recount of what had happened both times Sirius had been arrested, to all sorts of intrusive questions about his family and his relationship with Remus. When Moody had started asking things like, had Remus ever hurt anyone or did Remus ever do anything illegal, Sirius had lost his temper and told Moody to go fuck himself. And whilst retrospectively he could appreciate that this kind of response was probably not going to win him any favour with the Wizenagamot, he wasn’t going to let anyone talk about Remus like that.

Moody had subsequently declared Sirius a lost cause and they hadn’t seen him since. Dumbledore had however given Lily the enchanted piece of parchment she was reading the questions from, which was supposed to demonstrate the lines of questioning that Sirius would likely be put through at the trial. She, Remus and James were taking it turns to put him through his paces.

“Look, Sirius” Lily said slowly. Sirius could tell she was trying very hard to keep the annoyance and frustration out of her voice, but she wasn’t doing a very good job. “I know that it’s wrong for them to assume Remus has done anything wrong, just because he’s a werewolf, but that’s the reality of what we're dealing with here.”

“I’m not going to-“ Sirius started defiantly, but Lily cut across him loudly.

“And YOU running your mouth isn’t going to do him any favours. All it’s going to do is make YOU look bad.”

“I already look bad to _them_ ” Sirius argued sulkily, crossing his arms. “I’m a queer blood traitor who’s shacked up with a werewolf. It’s hardly surprising they want to lock me up.”

“All the more reason for you not to give them any ammunition” Lily said sternly. “Because they DO want to lock you up. You understand that, right?”

Sirius was mildly taken aback for a moment by the fact that she hadn’t countered anything he had just said. Usually she would take great objection to that sort of self-deprecation from Sirius. Maybe she was just well and truly sick of his shit by this point. Far from making him feel sorry, this actually annoyed him even more. If neither of them wanted to be doing this when why the hell were they still here?

“Well, if all else fails maybe Moody can pull some strings and get me and Remus adjoining cells in Azkaban” Sirius said petulantly. “It’ll be nice and easy for you and James to come visit.”

Lily opened her mouth angrily to retort, but before she could say anything a low voice sounded from behind Sirius.

“I’m sorry, is this a joke to you?”

Sirius twisted round in his seat to see a rather sickly looking Remus stood a few feet away. It was only a couple of days until the full moon so he’d been napping in the bedroom while Lily questioned Sirius. Sirius had no idea how long he’d been stood there, but it was apparently long enough to incite a quiet fury in him. His temper was always a little shorter at this time of the month, but right now he looked livid. Sirius looked between Remus and Lily, feeling mildly ganged up on. He had never responded particularly well to being backed into a corner.

“Yes, as a matter of fact it is” Sirius retorted, getting up out of the chair and starting to pace about the room. He knew he wasn’t helping the situation, but he couldn’t help himself. “It’s a joke to me that you’re all treating me like a fucking child. Or like a fucking criminal. I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.”

“We're treating you like a child because you’re acting like a fucking child!” Remus shouted angrily. His voice came out rather raspy, which made him sound even more furious. Sirius stopped his pacing in shock. Remus hadn’t spoken to him like that since he’d come back from his mission, trying so hard as he was to get back on Sirius’s good side.

“You need to get over this fucking hero complex that you have before you _really_ fuck everything up” Remus went on. “This isn’t about right or wrong anymore, don’t you get that? It’s about keeping you out of prison. Do you really not give a shit about that? After all the shit you gave me about leaving, you’re happy to let them cart you off to Azkaban are you? You selfish fucking prick!”

Sirius stared at him, aghast, hardly able to believe it was really Remus who was saying these things to him. He looked to Lily in bewilderment, expecting some sort of support, or at the very least shared concern over Remus’s outburst. However she was eyeing Sirius with a hardened expression.

“He’s not wrong” was all she said. Sirius looked back to Remus, whose expression hadn’t changed. He felt very lost all of a sudden.

“They – they can’t send me to Azkaban” he managed to stammer out quietly, as the full gravity of the situation finally hit him. In all of this trial prep his friends had been putting him through, he had assumed it was them being overly protective. Or maybe Dumbledore and Moody just wanted them all to stay on the ministry’s good side, for the sake of the order or whatever. It had never really occurred to him that he was _actually_ in serious trouble. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He hadn’t even done anything illegal. Was it really possible he could go to prison?

“They can do whatever they want, Sirius” Remus said coldly, his hand running over the hidden tattoo on his forearm. “You should know that by now.”

Sirius suddenly felt sick.

-

“Please state your full name for the court.”

“Sirius Orion Black.”

There was a low rumble of murmuring throughout the stands of the Wizenagamot, as some of them leaned towards each other no doubt to whisper scandalized comments about Sirius’s lineage. Crouch ignored this, simply standing behind his podium and looking down at Sirius, almost regally.

The Crouch family were proud members of the sacred 28, and as such Sirius had come across the man in front of him on several occasions. He did not like him at all. Barty Crouch was the embodiment of all the old Pureblood values - self importance, ruthless power seeking and thinly veiled prejudice. Sirius couldn’t think of anyone worse suited to be head of magical law enforcement. 

“The Blacks are one of the most respected Pureblood families in England” Crouch said, still looking down at Sirius imperiously. “I must say, it surprises me to see one of them in that chair.”

Sirius opened his mouth to say something about being disowned by the Blacks, but he saw Dumbledore on Crouch's left side shake his head ever so slightly. Sirius said nothing and looked back up at Crouch, trying (and probably failing) to keep a neutral expression.

“So” Crouch began. “You are here, Mr Black, because you have been involved in a number of situations now whereby the death eaters have _allegedly_ attacked yourself and others around you. Can you offer any explanation for this?”

“I can offer several” Sirius replied a little sharply. He didn’t like the emphasis that Crouch had put on the word ‘allegedly'. Moody, who was sat next to Dumbledore, shot Sirius a warning look and he hastily followed up with his rehearsed answer.

“As unlikely as it sounds, it was a series of unrelated incidents” Sirius said, looking around and addressing the whole of the Wizenagamot. “I'd be happy to talk you through them one by one.”

“Let us start at the beginning then, shall we?” Crouch replied, looking sceptical. “The incident in muggle London on the twentieth of August.”

“James and I were shopping” Sirius started.

“You’re referring to James Potter?” Couch asked.

“Yes. We couldn’t find-“

“What is your relationship to Mr Potter?” Crouch interrupted, picking up a piece of parchment from the podium and perusing it. “He is listed here as your next of kin.”

“He’s my brother, for all intents and purposes” Sirius replied calmly. “His parents took me in when mine disowned me.”

“That would make _them_ responsible for you, not him” Crouch replied, a little disapprovingly. “So why is the young Mr Potter your next of kin, and not his parents?”

Sirius glared at him. Crouch knew full well why, not only because all of the wizarding families knew each other’s business, but also because it probably said it on that piece of parchment he was holding. Sirius knew that Crouch was trying to rattle him by making him say it. He was even more incensed that it was working.

“Because they're dead” Sirius said through gritted teeth. Crouch seemed entirely unaffected by this response.

“Very well. Continue” he said, sounding almost bored. Sirius clenched his fists, a gesture that did not go unnoticed by Moody and Dumbledore, who both gave him quelling looks. Sirius took a deep breath and went back to his story.

“We couldn’t find what we were looking for in Diagon Alley, so we ventured into muggle London.”

“And what were you looking for?” Crouch asked.

“Er-“ Sirius felt rather wrong footed by the question. He hadn’t rehearsed this. What did it matter what they were shopping for? “An engagement ring” he said warily.

“A ring, you say?” Crouch sounded surprised, and even looked to a few of his colleagues in apparent confusion. “Are you engaged, Mr Black?”

There was murmuring amongst the Wizenagamot again and Sirius felt his fists clench again. He knew exactly what Crouch was getting at, and so did everyone else in here. Sirius was prepared for this line of questioning, however. Being gay was not illegal, although judging by some of the disgusted looks the older members of the court were giving him, if they had their way it would be.

“The ring was for James, not me” Sirius told Crouch, fighting hard to keep his voice level.

“I see” Crouch replied, with a hint of a smirk. Sirius wished more than anything he could punch him in the face.

“So we were looking around for a ring shop” Sirius went on. “And then the death eaters attacked, out of nowhere.”

“They attacked _you_?” Crouch asked, suspiciously.

“It is unclear who the intended target of the attack was” Dumbledore interjected. Crouch looked rather affronted at this interruption, but Dumbledore evidently had the authority to do so, as Crouch turned back to the podium moodily.

“The court recognises Albus Dumbledore” he said, rather stiffly.

“Thank you, Barty” Dumbledore said cordially. Crouch looked even more annoyed. “I was on the scene myself” Dumbledore turned around to address the rest of the room. “There were a number of civilian casualties, but the death eaters evaded capture. It remains unclear whether there _was_ a target, or if this was simply a terrorist attack.”

“And you just _happened_ to be there, did you?” Crouch asked Sirius incredulously.

“Yes” Sirius replied defensively. Dumbledore cut in again.

“James and Sirius were not the only wizards in the area that day. Gideon Prewett was also passing through, on his way to the Leaky Cauldron.”

“And he wasn’t with you?” Crouch asked Sirius, his eyes narrowed.

“No” Sirius replied honestly.

“Hmm” Crouch looked very unimpressed with this story, but he obviously sensed it was a dead end, as he moved on.

“Very well. Tell the court about the incident on the first of October.”

“Remus – that is, Remus Lupin – and I, we went to do some repairs on my barn” Sirius began. Again, this was a well rehearsed story, but Crouch seemed determined to interrupt him at every given opportunity.

“This is Remus Lupin, the registered werewolf?” he asked. Sirius had to take a deep breath to steel himself before replying.

“Yes” he replied flatly.

“And what is your relationship with Mr Lupin?” he asked, the smirk now clearer than ever. Sirius took another deep breath. It took a great deal of effort not to scream at Crouch that Remus had nothing to do with any of this. Sirius looked to Dumbledore again, who gave him a small nod of encouragement.

“He’s my partner” Sirius told Crouch. He kept his tone fairly civil, but he couldn’t stop himself from glaring at him.

“Partner can mean many things” Crouch replied dismissively. “Are you business associates?”

Sirius hated this man with every fibre of his being. Crouch knew exactly what Remus and Sirius were to each other, but he wanted to humiliate Sirius by making him say it in front of everyone. The malice of this strategy wasn’t even what bothered Sirius the most though, it was the insinuation that being with Remus should be something to be ashamed of. Well Sirius would be damned if he was going to let this bastard make his relationship into something shameful.

“He’s my boyfriend” Sirius declared proudly. “And the best man that I know, so before you ask, NO, he did not have anything to do with any of this.”

There was more scandalized murmuring amongst the benches. A few wizards had even audibly gasped at the word ‘boyfriend’.

“I’ll decide that for myself” Crouch replied sharply, eyeing Sirius with distaste. Sirius heard Remus's warning voice in his head, telling him to keep his temper under control. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to be sorry about what he had just said.

“Why do you own a barn in Colne Valley? You live in central London, do you not?” Crouch asked accusatorially. He seemed to be struggling to hold his temper too, and Sirius wasn’t sure whether that was a good or a bad thing, but it was certainly cathartic.

“It's where Remus goes for his transformations” Sirius told him, reverting back to the script. “So he doesn’t hurt anyone.”

“ _Has_ he ever hurt anyone?” Crouch asked. Sirius was prepared for the question, but it still stung.

“No he hasn’t” Sirius snapped. Crouch scowled at him and Sirius glowered right back.

“But he must have done considerable damage to the barn, if you needed to go out and repair it” Crouch went on. Sirius bit the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from saying anything stupid. Or anything at all, really, since this wasn’t actually a question, and it certainly wasn’t relevant to Sirius’s trial. A point that Dumbledore evidently noted too, as he spoke up again.

“I beg your pardon, Barty, but I think we ought to be asking Sirius about the incident with the death eaters.” His tone was polite, but he was surveying Crouch over the top of his glasses a little disapprovingly. Crouch, for a second time, looked very indignant at Dumbledore challenging his authority. He shot Dumbledore a contemptuous look, but evidently couldn’t disagree.

“Hmm, yes, well” he muttered, shuffling the stack of papers in front of him. “Tell us what happened then” he barked at Sirius. Sirius took a second to glare at Crouch before going back to his story.

“As soon as we apparated into the woods the death eaters were firing spells at us” he said, looking around the benches again rather than at Crouch, in an effort to calm his anger. “We ran for cover and fired back some defensive spells. It went on like that for a while-“

“What sort of defensive spells?” Crouch cut across him.

“Stunners, mostly” Sirius replied, glaring back at him. “Some disarming spells. And Remus was casting shield charms over us. After we were arrested our wands were examined, so there’s proof that I wasn’t using lethal force.”

Crouch didn’t seem to want to concede that point so he simply ignored it.

“This altercation resulted in the death of George Carrow” Crouch said seriously. “Explain how that happened.”

Sirius paused for a second, glancing at Dumbledore and Moody, who were looking at each other a little uneasily. Sirius knew that this was the weakest point in his defence, since he had no explanation to offer. He had no idea what had actually happened.

“I don’t really know” he admitted. “My best guess is that the death eaters were aiming to kill and one of their spells ricocheted off one of mine.”

“But this is speculation” Crouch said, gesturing dismissively.

“I don’t see what else it could have been” Sirius countered. “Like I said, I was using non lethal spells.”

“I find that _rather_ unlikely” Crouch replied loudly, looking sceptically amongst his peers. “You say that your so called assailants were aiming to kill, but you responded with disarming spells and shield charms?”

“Yes” Sirius retorted defensively. Crouch actually laughed at that, looking to an elderly man a few places down from him who looked equally unimpressed by Sirius’s story.

“Are you not aware that shield charms are ineffective against the unforgivable curses?” Crouch asked him, looking amused. It took a great deal of effort on Sirius’s part not to lunge at him.

“They were firing all sorts of spells” he said through gritted teeth. “The shield charm was effective against some of them.”

“So, let us get this straight” Crouch said sceptically. “You were visiting your... _werewolf barn._.. and you were attacked entirely unprovoked. And you responded with non-lethal force?”

“Yes” Sirius barked. “Because I didn’t want to kill anyone!”

“So then WHY is a man dead?” Crouch demanded, slamming a fist down on the podium. “Why do we keep finding YOU in the middle of death eater attacks?!”

“I TOLD YOU WHY” Sirius shouted back, but Crouch had clearly stopped listening.

“And what is more!” Crouch continued his tirade as if Sirius hadn’t even spoken, his eyes bulging slightly in his rage. “You claim not to know why these individuals attacked yourself and Lupin?! You play the part of the fool well, Mr Black, but even you must be aware of the consequences of consorting with _werewolves!_ You expect us to believe he was merely an innocent bystander?! Well I no more believe that than I believe any of the other outrageous claims you have made here today!”

“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH” Sirius screamed, finally pushed to his breaking point.

“HOW DARE YOU-“

“NO, HOW DARE YOU?” Sirius roared. “You know damn well he didn’t do anything because not only did you examine his wand, you dragged him down the creatures department to interrogate him, like a criminal!”

“MR BLACK, THAT IS ENOUGH”

“Fucking right, it’s enough! I've well and truly had enough of you bastards persecuting him, when he hasn't even-“

But Sirius never got to finish his point, as Crouch flicked his wand at him and a gag snaked itself around his mouth. Sirius continued to scream obscenities at him, but only muffled sounds came out.

“Take him away” Crouch ordered in disgust, and two men in long black robes started dragging Sirius out of the room.

-

Sirius was taken to a room not unlike the one that Moody had interrogated him in that time after the incident in Brixton Village, only this time there was no table or chair. The ministry officials had unceremoniously thrown him in there and the door had disappeared behind them when they left, leaving Sirius to lie on the floor with his hands bound behind his back and the gag still on his mouth. He had screamed himself hoarse in his fury and cut what he was sure were fairly deep wounds into his wrists struggling against his bindings.

The trial could not possibly have gone worse, he understood that, and the full weight of the situation was slowly sinking in. But at the same time, he didn’t see how it could possibly have gone any differently. Crouch wouldn’t have stopped pressing him until he got the reaction he was looking for. Until he proved to the rest of the Wizenagamot that Sirius was an unhinged madman. And Sirius had played right into his hands. He wondered briefly if Crouch was actually working for the other side, and wanted to see Sirius put away because he perceived him as a rising threat to the death eaters. But Crouch's actions were just as easily explained as those of a power hungry bigot trying desperately to maintain the appearance of competency as the head of the department of law enforcement. Maybe he genuinely did believe Sirius was guilty, and working with the death eaters. It didn't really matter either way. Sirius’s fate was in his hands, and the man hated him.

Sirius didn’t know how long he’d been in the room, but it was definitely longer than last time. He supposed that was probably a good sign, because if Crouch had his way Sirius would likely be on his way to Azkaban already. The fact that he was still here in this holding cell clearly meant there was some sort of deliberation in progress. Moody and Dumbledore would surely be fighting his corner. Despite his outburst and insults at the trial, the fact remained that Sirius hadn’t _actually_ done anything illegal, and the ministry had no evidence that he had.

He therefore wasn’t entirely surprised that when the door finally reappeared, it was Moody who entered the room. The door disappeared again behind him and he conjured two chairs before turning his wand to Sirius, looking rather grave.

“You should know, Black, that we’re being watched right now” he growled. “So you should chose your words carefully.” He waved his wand and Sirius’s gag and restraints disappeared. He scrambled up off the floor, his legs extremely stiff, and dropped himself onto one of the chairs, ignoring the throbbing in his wrists. Moody sat down opposite him.

“So what now?” Sirius croaked.

“Do you want to go to prison, Black?” Moody asked him, ignoring the question. Sirius frowned.

“It doesn’t seem to matter what I want” Sirius replied flatly. “Crouch is going to believe whatever he wants, isn’t he?”

“You're not talking to Crouch, you’re talking to me” Moody said sharply. “Do you _want_ to go to prison or not?”

“Well obviously not” Sirius replied, deadpan.

“Then let me tell you what I need from you to keep you out of prison” Moody growled, narrowing his eyes. “I need you to tell me what happened – the FACTS, no speculation and no embellishments. I need you to answer my questions whether you think they’re relevant or not. And I need you to keep your smart arse remarks to yourself and your temper in check. Do you understand?”

Sirius wanted to retort with something about Crouch deliberately baiting him to make sure he lost his temper, but he was mindful of the fact that he was clearly being given a second chance here, most likely against Crouch's wishes. And of the fact that Crouch was probably watching this whole conversation. He cast a furtive look around, almost expecting to see Crouch watching them through a window or something, but of course the walls were still completely blank.

“I understand” he replied gruffly.

“Right” Moody said, sitting up straighter and looking business-like. “We’ve heard your testimony on the first two incidents, tell me about the third. How did you come to be in Brixton village?”

Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes with one hand. He was sick to death of going over all this, and he especially didn’t want to answer all the questions about Reg that were sure to follow, but it wasn’t as if he particularly had a choice in the matter.

“It was the morning of Christmas eve” Sirius told him flatly. “I received a letter from my brother, Regulus. It was...confusing.”

“I’ll say” Moody growled back, pulling a folded piece of parchment out of the pocket of his robes. He unfurled it and Sirius saw that it was in fact the letter in question. He didn’t remember the ministry taking it from his possession the day he was arrested, but then again so much had happened that day it was all a bit of a blur now.

“What did it mean to you, this letter?” Moody asked. “Because frankly we can’t make any sense of it.”

Sirius sighed again. He had had plenty of time over the past couple of months to think about this, and he still wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it all.

“At the time I thought it was a cry for help” Sirius shrugged. “I thought maybe he was in trouble. I’d suspected for some time that he’d fallen in with a bad crowd, possibly even death eaters.”

“Why didn’t you report that?” Moody asked sharply, eyeing Sirius carefully. Sirius could vividly imagine Crouch with his face right up against the magical window right now, practically salivating at the prospect of something else to condemn him for.

“No proof” Sirius replied simply. “I hadn’t spoken to the kid in years, it was nothing other than pure speculation. He hung around with some kids at school who went on to be death eaters but that’s probably true of a lot of innocent people.”

“Hmm” Moody replied, with an expression that suggested hanging around with death eaters did not equate to being innocent in his opinion. “Well, anyway, explain to me how that led you to Brixton Village.”

“So I went looking for Reg” Sirius told him. “I tried the family home first but he wasn’t there. The house elf told me he was staying with the Averys.”

“Theodore and Geraldine Avery?”

“Yes, Regulus is friendly with their son. Theodore answered the door and he told me where I’d find my brother.”

“Mr Avery’s testimony says otherwise” Moody said grimly, pulling another piece of parchment from his robes. Sirius narrowed his eyes.

“Of course it does” he muttered.

“According to Mr Avery” Moody said, his eyes scanning the parchment. “You showed up at his house covered in blood, looking as though you’d been fighting. He says you threatened him when he denied knowing your brother's whereabouts.”

“That’s half true as it happens” Sirius replied, running a hand over the scar on his forearm. “I was pretty banged up when I arrived there. My darling former mother didn’t take kindly to my presence in her house.”

“Are you saying she attacked you?” Moody asked, his eyes darting up from the parchment. Sirius realised that in the aftermath of all that had happened that day he had never actually told any of the order (or the ministry, for that matter) about the altercation with his mother. It had paled into insignificance at the time, compared with finding Reg in amongst the death eaters.

“That doesn’t really matter” Sirius said, shaking his head. The last thing he needed was for Wallaburga to be dragged in to give testimony on the matter. He was hardly likely to come out of THAT looking innocent. “But Avery was lying about me threatening him. He’s also lying about denying knowing where Regulus was. He tried to be evasive at first but eventually he told me.”

“Define evasive” pressed Moody.

“Oh, you know” Sirius swept his hair out of his face. “Calling me a blood traitor and a queer. Reminding me I’ve been disowned by the Blacks. That’s sort of thing.”

“How did you convince him to tell you where your brother was then?” asked Moody. “Sounds as though he wasn’t exactly jumping at the chance to help you.”

“I played the sacred 28 card” Sirius replied with a derisive snort. “Told him he owed me a favour, since the scandal I caused allowed his lot to climb the social ladder.”

“And he agreed, did he?” Moody asked.

“Well, retrospectively I think he always intended to tell me where Reg was, I think he just wanted to insult me first” Sirius shrugged.

There was a pause, in which Moody pocketed the two papers again.

“Well, fortunately for you Black, that account matches up pretty well with Mr Potter’s. That makes it two against one.” Sirius gave a curt nod, and Moody went on.

“So you arrived at the scene then. My colleagues say you arrived just minutes before myself.”

“Yeah. Apparated right in the middle of it. There were spells flying everywhere, me and James were just trying to stay alive.”

“But somehow you found Regulus?”

“He found me actually. Pushed me and James out of the way of an explosion.”

Moody nodded. He already knew all of this.

“He was wearing a death eater mask and black robes” Sirius continued. “So my suspicions were confirmed.” Sirius hesitated for a moment. When he had practised his testimony with James and Lily, they had agreed he shouldn’t tell the ministry that he had tried to persuade Regulus to come home. It wouldn’t look good and they might even start to suspect that Sirius had some sort of ties to the death eaters now. But still, Sirius wanted so very badly to say it. To tell everyone that he had tried. That he had wanted Regulus to come home. That he wanted to save him.

“And?” Moody pressed him. Sirius took a breath.

“And nothing” he said flatly. “He disapparated before I could say or do anything. It was over.”

“Do you know where your brother is now?” Moody asked. Sirius shook his head. Again, Moody already knew this, but he had to ask.

“No.”

There was another pause, and then Moody hauled himself up off the chair.

“Very well, Black” he said calmly. “The Wizenagamot will discuss your testimony and reach a verdict. You wait here.”

And with that, he swept out of the room. The door disappeared again behind him but the chairs remained, and Sirius sat staring blankly at the wall. He knew nothing he had said would persuade Crouch of his innocence, but surely Moody and Dumbledore would vouch for him? Sirius sighed and swept a hand through his hair again. He had told the truth, or enough of it anyway. There really wasn’t anything more he could have done. But was it enough?


	9. Due Process

“James, I know this is difficult for you, but you’re driving me crazy” Lily said in an exasperated tone through the hands that were over her face. “Can you just sit down please?”

James shook his head without stopping his fervent pacing down the corridor.

“I’m sorry Lils, but I really can't” he replied simply. He knew that the trial was bound to take a long time, there was quite a lot to go over after all. But Sirius had been in there for over two hours now - that surely couldn't be a good sign. James was praying that he hadn’t done anything stupid. Sirius wasn’t exactly known for keeping his head in situations like this. But he had to know what was at stake, right? If ever there was a time for him to behave himself then this was it. They’d drilled that into him enough times over the past few weeks, right?

He wheeled around when he reached the end of the corridor and started striding back up it. He had just passed the point where Lily was sat when he felt a spell hit him in the small of his back. Immediately his legs locked together and he toppled forward, throwing his hands out just at the last second to prevent his face colliding with the floor. He twisted around on the spot to see what the hell had happened and saw Lily showing her wand back in her pocket looking like she’d had entirely enough of him for today.

“Are you kidding me?” he asked angrily.

“I asked you to stop” she said flatly.

“Right, and when I don’t your solution is to cripple me?” he demanded.

“Oh don’t be so dramatic” Lily snapped back. “You know the bloody counter-curse.”

James scowled at her. As it happened he didn’t remember what the counter was for a leg locker curse, but he wasn’t about to admit that. He pulled out his wand and cast _finite incantatem,_ hoping that would suffice. Fortunately it did, and he regained control of his legs.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Lily, but I’m fucking worried” James said moodily as he scrambled up and walked back over to where she was sitting. “I can’t just sit _still_ right now.”

“Well you’re going to have to try” she replied firmly. “Because you clearly haven’t noticed, but I’m fucking worried too. And THIS” she waved her hand back and forth to indicate how James had been pacing up and down the corridor past her “is getting me even more worked up.” She leaned her head against a hand in a fed up manner and shook her head slightly. James’s annoyance lightened and he sank down into a seat next to her.

“What do you think is happening in there?” he asked her quietly. His right leg was jiggling up and down, slightly vibrating the chair he was sat on and probably Lily’s as well. That was bound to annoy her, but he really couldn’t help it. He wasn’t exaggerating about not being able to sit still.

“I don’t know” Lily said wearily. “But his testimony shouldn’t have taken nearly this long. So either they’re cross examining the hell out of him. Or...” she let out a heavy sigh.

“Or he ran his mouth and now he’s in deep shit” James supplied. He knew they were both thinking it.

“Or” Lily countered “they’re arguing about the verdict.”

None of those options bode particularly well, in James’s opinion. They all knew that Crouch was out for blood, and Moody alone didn’t have the power to overrule him. Their only chance was to get a majority vote from the Wizenagamot, many of whom Sirius had a less than stellar track record with. That was why they’d all decided it was best that Remus not come to the ministry with them today. They didn’t need to give the Pureblood bigots any more ammunition.

“They can’t find him guilty!” James burst out. “He hasn’t _done_ anything.”

Lily turned to him and gave him a grim smile.

“He _has_ , though. We all have” she said quietly.

James opened his mouth to argue against this, but at that moment the courtroom door opened and several elderly members of the Wizenagamot started filing out, muttering amongst themselves.

“What happened? What’s the verdict?” James asked loudly, jumping up from his seat, trying to catch someone’s – anyone’s – eye, but they all continued to walk past him, ignoring him completely.

“Will SOMEONE please tell me what’s going on?!” James demanded, causing a few of them to cast him a quick dirty look, but still no-one answered. James started to push past them, trying to get inside the courtroom, but he felt a hand on his arm pulling him back. He tried around, about to push whoever it was away but saw that the person restraining him was Lily. She gave him an imploring look and he stepped back again, letting the crowd pass. A moment later he spotted Dumbledore amongst the crowd now exiting the room, looking very serious.

“Sir!” James called out to him, standing on tiptoe to see over the heads of the people in front of him. “Sir, what happened?!”

Dumbledore gave a slight nod to acknowledge that he had heard James and extricated himself from the crowd, walking over to James and Lily, his expression inscrutable.

“The ministry will not be pressing charges against Sirius at this time” he said quietly to the two of them as he reached them, casting a furtive sideways look at the aurors walking past.

“Oh thank god” Lily said, letting out a huge sigh of relief. James felt a great deal of tension melt out of his shoulders, but he was far from placated by this news.

“What does that mean, ‘at this time’?” he asked, frowning. He felt Lily grab his hand and give it a squeeze.

“It means he will be let off with a warning today” Dumbledore replied simply. “Mr Crouch has agreed to a deal.” James could tell by the way he said this that Crouch had not wanted to agree to said deal at all.

“What sort of deal?” James asked darkly. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. Not with Dumbledore still looking so grave. However, before he had chance to elaborate, Crouch himself came out of the room and upon spotting Dumbledore cast him a scathing look.

“Well, I hope you're pleased with yourself, Albus” Crouch shot at him. “A death eater spy walking free.”

“If there was sufficient evidence of that then you would have had no trouble getting a conviction, Barty” Dumbledore replied, his tone light and even but his expression still serious. “The Wizenagamot has made their decision based on the evidence provided. We must follow due process.”

“To hell with due process!” Crouch spat, looking fully angry now. “That boy is GUILTY!”

“’ _To hell with due process’?”_ James echoed, outraged. “Aren’t you the head of magical law enforcement?” Crouch turned aggressively towards him.

“You’d better watch who you’re speaking to like that, Potter” he threatened. “I AM the head of magical law enforcement, and I’ve got my eye on you too.”

“Barty” Dumbledore cut in sharply. Crouch looked back to him and the two of them stared at each other for a moment, Crouch's expression angry, Dumbledore’s firm.

“Mark my words” Crouch said, still staring point blank at an unflinching Dumbledore. “Sirius Black is going to end up in Azkaban.” And with that, he walked away down the now empty corridor, exiting the same way the other aurors and members of the Wizenagamot had gone. James stared after him in disbelief.

“He’s lost his damn mind” James said to Lily and Dumbledore as he turned back to them.

“Pay no mind to Barty Crouch for the moment” Dumbledore told him, although he cast another glance at the door Crouch had walked out of. “We need to collect Sirius from Alastor’s custody.”

“What? Is he not in there?” James asked, gesturing towards the courtroom.

“No. Sirius was held in contempt of court. He is in Alastor’s office now” Dumbledore replied, leading the way down towards the lifts. James and Lily followed.

“He what?!” James demanded.

“Professor, what are the terms of the deal you were talking about?” Lily interjected. Dumbledore’s expression darkened.

“The Wizenagamot have agreed that if Sirius is caught in any further criminal activity, the ministry may sentence him without trial” he told them. James felt his blood boil.

“They can’t DO that!” he said angrily. “That goes completely against the entire justice system!”

“I strongly advised them against this strategy” Dumbledore said as they stepped into the lift. “But it is not unprecedented.”

“What, so people aren’t even entitled to defend themselves anymore?” James cried. “The ministry is just going around locking people up without even hearing their side of the story?!”

“James, now is not the time or the place to discuss ministry operations” Dumbledore replied seriously.

“But-“ James sputtered, momentarily overwhelmed by all the things he wanted to say. What did this mean for Sirius going forward? One wrong move and it would be straight to Azkaban? And what about the rest of them? He knew what Lily had been getting at before when she said ‘we all have' was that the ministry would likely consider most of the order’s work illegal. 

Before James had a chance to articulate any of these thoughts, the lift doors opened and Dumbledore led the way over to a small reception desk facing the lifts. The room they had entered was somewhat bare, with a few chairs lining the walls and single sign over the reception desk which simply said 'Processing'. A rather burly wizard wearing plain black robes sat underneath it, eyeing them suspiciously as they approached. James glanced around to try and determine where it was they were but there were no obvious clues. It appeared to be a waiting room of sorts, but there were no doors leading elsewhere, besides the lifts behind them.

"Albus Dumbledore and James Potter, here to collect Sirius Black" Dumbledore addressed the receptionist, who said nothing in response but picked up a long piece of parchment from his desk and scowled down at it.

"Sirius Black..." the man mumbled under his breath as he ran a finger across the parchment, apparently looking through a list of some sort. He appeared to find what he was looking for and looked back up at James and Dumbledore, then back down to the parchment again.

"Are you aware of the charges being held against the perpetrator?" The man asked.

"Charges?" James asked sharply. Didn’t Dumbledore say they were letting him go?

The man fixed James with an unimpressed look.

"The perpetrator is charged with assault in the first degree and unlawful conduct" the man read out in a bored tone. "The perpetrator will waive their rights to further judicial process in exchange for leniency at this time."

"His name is Sirius" James snapped back loudly. "And how can it be assault if he was defending himself?!"

"If you want to complain you'll have to take it up with the wizenagamot" the man replied, still sounding entirely uninterested. "I just process the prisoners."

"James, leave it" Lily implored him quietly, putting a hand on his shoulder, but James was too angry to listen to her.

"He's not a prisoner! He's done nothing wrong! And what does _unlawful conduct_ even mean?" He demanded. "Sounds like some trumped up charge you use when you've got no actual EVIDENCE against someone!"

This seemed to get through to the wizard, who for the first time looked at James properly and squared his shoulders. His physique was rather intimidating, and James regretted his outburst ever so slightly.

"If you continue this aggressive behaviour I'll have you forcefully removed" the man threatened sternly.

“ _James_ ” Lily pleaded. He glanced back at her and she looked extremely worried, which softened his resolve. He scowled back at the man behind the desk but said nothing further.

“Please excuse Mr Potter” Dumbledore addressed the man politely. “I assure you there will be no aggression from any of us.”

The man scowled back for a moment but then turned around, picking his wand up from the desk and tapping it on the wall behind him. A small hole appeared.

“Bring up number 36274” he called through it and the hole promptly disappeared again before James had a chance to properly look through it. All he caught was a glimpse of a long and narrow corridor lined with metal doors on either side.

“Take a seat then” the man said lazily to them, and James walked over to a chair as far away from his desk as possible.

“I can’t believe this” James muttered as Lily and Dumbledore joined him.

“James, I do not agree with the ministry’s decision either” Dumbledore said quietly. “But now is not the time to air our grievances. We are fortunate that they are even releasing Sirius at all.”

It certainly didn’t feel very fortunate to James, and he was about to say as much until Lily shot him a quelling look. He folded his arms defiantly and leaned back in his chair, silently stewing over the injustice of it all.

“What does _assault in the first degree_ mean?” Lily asked Dumbledore quietly after a short while, breaking the tense silence. James cast a glance towards the receptionist but he was mulling over some paperwork on his desk, not paying them any attention.

“In this instance the charge relates to the death eater who died whilst duelling Sirius” Dumbledore replied. James felt himself flare up again.

“But that doesn’t even make any sense!” he hissed. “They know the killing curse didn’t come from his wand!”

“ _James”_ Lily admonished him again, as the receptionist looked disapprovingly over towards them.

“Mr Crouch suggested a charge of manslaughter” Dumbledore told them gravely, once the man had returned to his paperwork. “But Alastor negotiated him down to first degree assault.”

“He didn’t seem too happy about that” Lily said flatly.

“No” Dumbledore sighed. “He wasn’t.”

The three of them fell silent again. James wanted to ask what would happen now, but he knew they couldn’t discuss it fully here. This would certainly have a big impact on the order though. The ministry would surely be watching Sirius very closely from now on. Which meant that they would probably be watching all of them. And by the sounds of it if Sirius was caught again for even the slightest misdemeanour, he could be sent straight to prison, with no ‘due process’ at all, as Crouch had so scathingly called it. James had heard snippets about the way things were working inside the ministry these days from Moody at order meetings but he had no idea it had gotten this bad. Why was nobody standing up to Crouch? He was clearly unhinged.

Suddenly the hole in the wall behind the reception desk appeared again, but this time it steadily grew in size until it was large enough for a person to walk through.

“Prisoner 36274” said a deep voice, and Sirius was pushed through the opening into the room, followed by another muscular wizard in plain black robes.

“Jesus Christ!” James exclaimed, jumping to his feet. Sirius was sporting a bloody nose that was still dripping fresh blood down his face. His hands were cuffed behind his back and the wizard who was bringing him through had a hand around the back of his neck and was using this to steer Sirius into the room.

“What the hell have you done?!” James demanded, approaching them. The man released Sirius and sneered at James.

“He tripped” the man said lazily, not even bothering to try and make it sound convincing.

“Are you kidding me?!” James demanded, but before the man could retort Dumbledore cut across them.

“We are here to take Mr Black home” he addressed the man politely. “If you wouldn’t mind.”

The man scowled at him, but nonetheless waved his wand and the handcuffs restraining Sirius disappeared. James could see deep red lines around his wrists where they had clearly been tightened too much. Sirius used his now free hands to wipe at his bloody nose with his sleeve, scowling straight ahead and not looking at any of them.

“Let us get going then” Dumbledore said calmly, ushering them all back towards the lift doors. James put a hand on Sirius’s shoulder as they waited in silence for the lift to come and then stepped inside it.

“What the hell did they do to you?!” James burst out as soon as the lift doors closed. Sirius merely looked at him in an unimpressed manner.

“Three guesses” he replied flatly.

“You were under ministry custody, they can't have just beat you up” James protested.

Sirius sighed, looking away moodily. James didn’t understand why he wasn’t more enraged. Sirius of all people would never take this sort of thing lying down.

“Sirius!” James prompted him. “This isn’t right, we have to report them or-“

“James, open your fucking eyes” Sirius interrupted angrily. James was extremely taken aback. “Look at everything that’s happened today. This is how it is now.”

“Sirius” James said again, this time with a hint of pleading. But Sirius didn’t answer him, he merely continued to look broodingly into space. He looked utterly defeated. James looked helplessly to Lily. On the rare occasions that Sirius faltered, Lily was usually the one to step up and talk some sense into him. However she merely put a gentle hand on Sirius’s back, reaching out the other one for James to take, her expression blank.

“This is how it is now” she said quietly. They all fell silent, and didn’t speak again until they had exited the ministry.


	10. Full Moon

Sirius woke up alone the next morning. The clock on the bedside table indicated that it was just past 7am - not an hour Sirius would usually rise at, and at first he didn’t know what it was that had woken him, until he heard noise coming from the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes blearily and swung his legs out of bed, grimacing at the coldness of the floor on his bare feet. He heaved himself up with a sigh and shuffled out of the bedroom towards the source of the noise, which apparently had been Remus making coffee. However upon entering the kitchen Remus was staring out of the window at the murky sky, frozen with a mug in hand while the kettle on the stove whistled away, getting steadily louder and louder.

“Rem?” Sirius said, walking over to the kettle. Perhaps Remus hadn’t heard him over the whistle, as he didn’t respond, and the kettle was now making quite a racket.

“Remus!” Sirius said much more loudly, as he removed the kettle from the burner. Remus flinched violently, nearly dropping his cup.

“FUCK – What?” he looked confused and rather alarmed as he turned towards Sirius.

“You alright?” Sirius asked him warily. Remus shook his head as though trying to clear it and walked back over to the kettle, putting his cup down on the side. Sirius could tell he was trying to keep his expression neutral, but his eyes betrayed the obvious horror of whatever it was he’d been thinking about.

“Yeah, fine” he muttered, busying himself with the coffee, making one for Sirius as well. Sirius pressed his lips together, trying to decide whether to press the matter or not. Remus had been on edge like this ever since he’d gotten back from his mission. Sirius had hoped that he’d settle down once he’d been home for a while, but if anything he seemed to be getting even more jumpy as time went on. They were all very worried about him, but he clearly didn't want to open up about it. Sirius had gotten no more information out of him than what Remus had told him that first night home. Sirius watched him carefully as he made the coffee – his expression had gone blank again and he was stirring haphazardly, splashing liquid onto the counter.

“Remus!” Sirius said again sharply, to snap him out of it.

“Coffee!” Remus replied, almost maniacally. “Here” he held one of the cups out to Sirius with a slightly shaky hand. “You take this, and... yeah, good” he gave Sirius a nod as he accepted the proffered cup. Sirius eyed him with concern.

“Thanks...” he replied. Remus took a seat at the table and stared into his own cup. 

“Rem, what do you need?” Sirius asked him gently, sitting down opposite him. Remus ran a hand through his hair, looking exhausted.

“I don’t know” he muttered, then after a pause he added “I don’t want to be selfish.”

“And what is it that you think asking for would be selfish?” Sirius asked. Remus hesitated, casting a glance at the window.

“Forget it, it’s nothing” he said, sipping his coffee and grimacing. It suddenly dawned on Sirius that tonight was the full moon. That’s why Remus didn’t have sugar in his coffee, because the morning of he was usually nauseous. Sirius’s trial at the ministry had pretty much blocked everything else out over the past 24 hours and he mentally kicked himself for forgetting.

“Is it something to do with tonight?” Sirius said calmly. Remus looked slightly guilty and he knew he had hit the nail on the head.

“Remus, I’m going to be with you tonight. You know that, right?” Sirius told him.

“You're not supposed to be out” Remus said in a small voice. “The ministry will be watching.”

“So?” Sirius shrugged. “Let them watch. We’re not doing anything illegal.”

“Apart from the unregistered animagus thing” Remus countered, with the smallest hint of a smile. Sirius returned the smile warmly.

“I’ll transform before we leave the flat. No-one will know it’s me” Sirius insisted. Remus looked like he was struggling with whether to argue against this or not.

“You want me there, right?” Sirius pressed him.

“I shouldn’t ask you to put yourself in danger” Remus said shaking his head. “It’s selfish.”

“You don’t need to ask” Sirius replied firmly. “I’m going to be there – you don’t get a say in the matter.”

Remus looked somewhat relieved and reached a hand across the table to rest on Sirius’s arm.

“Can I ask you something?” Sirius asked tentatively. He felt Remus’s hand tighten on his forearm but he didn’t verbally respond, merely looking back at Sirius warily.

“Why are you so worried about this one?” Sirius asked. “I mean, I know moons are never exactly fun for you, but... you’ve never asked me to be there before. You usually beat me over the head with the fact that I DON'T need to be there” Sirius sighed and covered Remus’s hand with his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “What happened when you were out there? At the full?”

Remus’s jaw visibly clenched and his expression hardened.

“Whatever it is, it’s OK” Sirius told him. “It doesn’t make you any less... you. I know you didn’t have a choice in a lot of the shit that happened.”

“Nothing happened” Remus said dismissively, pulling his hand away, not meeting Sirius’s eye. “Just... forget it, alright?”

“Alright Remus” Sirius replied quietly. “Whatever you want.”

-

“James Potter” Sirius said loudly and clearly into the small hand mirror. The surface of the mirror appeared to ripple for a few seconds, and then the ceiling of James and Lily’s living room came into view. He could hear them chatting in the background.

“Proooongssss” he called into it. A few seconds later James’s face appeared as he picked up the mirror on his end.

“Padfoot” he grinned, looking especially cheerful. “Keeping yourself out of trouble?”

“It’s been less than a day, what sort of trouble do you think I could get myself in?” Sirius replied indignantly.

“That’s not even close to the record mate” James laughed. “I’ve seen you get a detention while you were _in_ detention.”

“That was YOUR fault” Sirius argued. “If you hadn’t thrown that puffskein at me-“

“What’s done is done” James cut across him, waving a hand airily. “It’s all in the past now. Look how far we’ve come.”

“We’ve come absolutely nowhere” Sirius told him, laughing. “You’re still a shit stirring bastard.”

“And you’re a fucking drama queen” James shot back, still grinning. “What a fine pair we make.”

“When you two are done flirting” a familiar voice from behind James interjected. “What time are we meeting?”

“Wormtail, is that you?” Sirius asked, trying to peer around James. “Prongs, move your massive head, please.” James gave him a middle finger but obligingly angled the mirror so that Sirius could see Lily and Peter sat behind him on the sofa. They both waved.

“Jesus, long time no see Pete” Sirius smiled. “I’d forgotten what you look like.”

“Yeah, I know” Peter replied good naturedly. “Sounds like everything went to hell when I wasn’t here. I leave you guys alone for five minutes...”

“Wormy, don’t try and pretend like you’re the voice of reason, we all know that’s Moony’s job” James said dismissively. “Speaking of which, where is the man of the hour?”

“Erm...” Sirius glanced towards the bedroom, where Remus had been holed up since mid morning. “Bit under the weather.”

“Ah, shit, is it a bad one?” James asked, turning serious for the first time in the conversation.

“Yeah, looks like it” Sirius replied grimly. He wasn’t entirely sure how much of it was physical and how much of it was due to whatever trauma Remus was trying to cover up, but it came to the same thing. He needed a bit of extra help this month.

“Oh well” James looked rather disappointed. “I was going to suggest we get together a bit earlier, you know since we're all here and everything, but if he’s not up to it...”

As if to illustrate the point, Remus suddenly darted out of the bedroom and straight towards the bathroom without so much as a glance in Sirius’s direction. Sirius heard retching through the slightly ajar bathroom door.

“I’m gonna say that’s a no” Sirius told James.

“Fair enough. Tomorrow then?” James asked hopefully. Sirius smiled.

“Yeah, tomorrow. Will you still be around, Pete?”

“I can hang out for a bit, yeah” Peter replied, nodding. “Tell Remus we hope he feels better soon.”

“Yeah, will do” Sirius said. “I’d better go and check on him” he gestured towards the bathroom and James nodded.

“Alright, see you there about six-ish then?”

“Yeah, see you later.”

James, Peter and Lily all chorused their goodbyes and Sirius put the mirror down, muttering his own name to make it turn back into an ordinary mirror. He approached the bathroom as Remus was flushing the toilet, still slumped on the floor with his face resting against the bowl, breathing heavily. Sirius sat on the edge of the bath and patted him gently on the back.

“Sorry” Remus muttered, not looking up.

“For what?” Sirius asked in surprise.

“Ruining the marauders reunion” he replied. Sirius lowered his head closer to Remus’s so he could see him better.

“You’re not ruining anything you muppet, we’re all here for YOU” Sirius told him. “Anyway, we're going to hang out tomorrow.”

Remus nodded, his hair brushing against the toilet seat and sticking up on one side.

“Come on, let’s get you back to bed” Sirius said gently, tugging on one of Remus’s arms. Remus shook his head defeatedly.

“No. Need to stay here for a bit” he muttered.

“Alright” Sirius said calmly. Then after a few moments of silence “hey, do you remember that time I got detention for pushing James into the grindylow tank?”

“Vaguely” Remus said with a lazy smile. “Didn’t they half drown him?”

“Nah, he exaggerates” Sirius smiled fondly at the memory. “He got scratched up a bit but he was fine.”

“What the hell made you think of that?” Remus chuckled.

“He just mentioned it then” Sirius told him.

“Hmm” Remus hummed, closing his eyes. “Simpler times” he muttered.

“Yeah they were” Sirius agreed.

-

Given how obviously Remus was dreading the full moon this month, it passed somewhat uneventfully. He and Sirius had left the flat with Sirius as Padfoot and travelled by muggle transport to the new barn a short train ride away that Dumbledore had sourced for them. They met James and Peter there, and only once safely inside with all the protective enchantments up did Sirius change back into his human form.

Things always went much more smoothly with all four of them there, and this time was no exception. Padfoot and Prongs chased the wolf and wrestled with it. Wormtail was there to sink his sharp teeth into a paw if anyone got too violent. They all sustained minor scrapes and bruises, but no-one was seriously hurt, so Sirius breathed a great sigh of relief as the first rays of sunlight broke through the cracks in the wooden panels. The wolf knew that the end of it's reign was coming and curled up on the floor yawning. Sirius changed back from the dog into himself and slowly approached.

It took a few minutes, but eventually in place of the wolf lay Remus, his thin body curved into the foetal position, the ridges of his spine visible on his bruised back. Sirius sat down beside him

“Sirius...” Remus said weakly.

“It’s me” Sirius replied quietly, and Remus clamped his arms around Sirius’s waist so tightly that it actually hurt a little bit. Sirius squirmed in place to try and ease Remus’s grip, but he only held on even tighter, his face buried in Sirius’s stomach. This in itself was unusual, since Remus was usually completely drained of energy after the transformation. Remus’s shoulders shuddered, and Sirius realised with a horrible jolt that he was crying.

“Rem, what’s wrong?” Sirius asked worriedly, trying to prise his head up, but Remus wouldn’t budge. James and Peter were now both next to them, looking confused and concerned.

“I want to go home” Remus’s muffled voice was barely audible. “ _Please_ Pads.”

“Remus” Sirius looked helplessly to James. “I don't think you’re strong enough to apparate right now.”

“Please” Remus repeated, sounding so small that Sirius’s heart broke.

“Maybe if we take him by side-along?” Peter suggested doubtfully. “All 3 of us?”

“I don’t know” James said, looking lost. “I don't... what’s going on Sirius?”

“I don’t know either James” Sirius told him, holding Remus as best as he could. “You know he’s not been himself lately.” At these words Remus dug his fingers sharply into Sirius sides.

“Ow, fuck” Sirius squirmed again. “Remus, please, you need to let go.”

“Moony” Peter said gently, crouching down next to him. “Can you stand up? We’ll get you home, alright?” Sirius and James exchanged a another worried look, but the three of them helped Remus delicately up to his feet. He wasn’t exactly sobbing, but there were tear tracks down his face and he looked like he was in terrible anguish. Once upright he put his arms around Sirius’s neck and nuzzled into his shoulder, thankfully not holding on with such a vice-like grip anymore. Sirius wrapped one arm around him, and put his other hand on James’s shoulder. James and Peter held onto each other.

“On three?” James said warily. The other two nodded.

“Alright. One...two...three.”

They stepped together into the darkness. Sirius held Remus firmly and heard him whimper faintly as the pressure increased around them.

They arrived in Sirius and Remus’s flat, all staggering slightly as they swayed in different directions upon arrival.

“Alright?” Sirius asked, looking Remus up and down for any signs of splinching. He seemed unharmed.

“I think so” James replied. Peter nodded in agreement.

“Alright” Sirius muttered, and started dragging Remus towards the bedroom.

The others helped him get Remus into bed, lowing him slowly down on top of it and folding the sheets over on top of him. Remus wouldn’t look at any of them and curled up into a ball, shivering slightly.

“Sirius” he said weakly. Sirius beckoned James and Peter back out into the hallway.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on but...” He started. James put a hand on his shoulder understandingly.

“You want us to leave you to it?” he asked. Sirius nodded.

“I don't know what to do” he admitted helplessly. “I don’t think he wants everyone around him right now though.”

“Call us if you need anything, OK?” James said seriously, and Sirius nodded again.

“Thanks” he said simply.

The other two nodded and then disapparated. Sirius went back to the bedroom and crawled into bed next to Remus, scooping him up in his arms. He was shivering more violently now and Sirius rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head.

“S-sorry” he stammered. Sirius sighed.

“Rem, I know you don’t want to talk about it , and believe me, I get that but... you’ve got to tell me something. I don’t know how to help you.”

“I don’t know if I can” Remus replied fearfully without moving from where he was, his face in Sirius’s neck.

“Just tell me this then” Sirius went on. “Why did you need me to be there so badly when you transformed back?” If Remus couldn’t tell him what had happened, maybe he could at least give him some indication of what it was he needed from Sirius. A few moments of silence passed before Remus answered him.

“In the colony” he began. Sirius listened with rapt attention. “After the moon we all woke up sort of, like, tangled together. All I could smell was blood and sweat.” Remus paused to shudder and Sirius understood. It had to feel incredibly vulnerable, waking up in great pain, completely naked with no idea what had just happened. And the idea of waking up in that scenario pressed up against a bunch of people you found repulsive... it was pretty sickening.

“That’s it?” Sirius asked calmly. “Why couldn’t you tell me that?”

“No, that’s not it” Remus replied. He wriggled out of Sirius’s embrace to finally face him, looking at him with a pained expression. Sirius gave him a weak smile, looking Into his beautiful golden eyes, so full of hurt as they were. He wanted more than anything to just be able to take his pain away. Maybe some of this showed through in his expression, because Remus tentatively went on.

“The second moon there... something was different. There was always blood, you know how it is, but... Fuck, there was so much blood, Sirius. More than what could have come out of our own injuries. Something was wrong, but no-one else seemed to care.”

“It could have been an animal” Sirius said warily. Remus shook his head.

“That’s what I told myself too. It was the only way I could keep myself sane. I couldn’t keep going on about it to the other werewolves because they already didn’t like how soft I was. I pushed it to the back of my mind, tried to pretend it didn’t happen.”

“So that’s what’s been bothering you?” Sirius asked. Remus looked down and didn’t respond. “Remus, you were out in the middle of nowhere” Sirius implored him. “It _must_ have been an animal.”

Remus shook his head again, visibly getting more upset. His lips were pressed together so tightly they were turning white.

“When I got back to Hogwarts...” He tailed off, seemingly unable to continue. Sirius gently cupped a hand around his cheek.

“What happened?” he asked softly.

“I could see them” Remus whispered, his eyes dead and hollow. “The thestrals. I could see them.”


	11. Doubt

“He could see them?” James repeated, wide eyed, reeling in this revelation. Sirius nodded slowly, looking grave.

“That’s what he said” Sirius replied, casting a glance at Lily, who was sitting silently next to James on their living room sofa. James looked at her too, and was somewhat taken aback by the fact that she wasn’t as visibly shocked as he was.

“Did you know?” James demanded. Lily shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

“Not specifically, no” she said, looking between James and Sirius. “But I knew _something_ must have happened. He was beside himself that day that he hit you, wasn’t he?” she directed to Sirius. “He wouldn’t even come near either of us for the rest of the day. And he’s been avoiding me.”

“Has he?” Sirius sounded surprised, which James didn’t understand.

“She’s been sending him loads of letters ever since you two cut off the floo” James said, frowning.

“What?” Sirius looked more confused than ever. “We haven’t cut off the floo, I came through it earlier.”

“Not for travel, for calls” Lily clarified. “It’s a dead end.”

“is it?” Sirius asked, nonplussed. He looked towards the fireplace across the room, as if hoping for some indication of what they were talking about.

“You didn’t know?” Lily asked quietly. Sirius sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“No” he replied wearily. “I didn’t know.”

“I tried to call him after that day he and James did the Leaky Cauldron shift” Lily explained. “That’s the first time I couldn’t get through.”

“Oh, fuck” James exclaimed. It suddenly clicked exactly why Remus had been isolating himself. God, he had been such an idiot, going on and on to Remus like that about how he was afraid something bad would happen and fuck everything up with the marauders. Because something bad _had_ happened, and now Remus didn’t want to burden any of them with it.

“I think that’s my fault” James told Sirius and Lily, who were both staring at him looking startled.

“What did you say James” Sirius asked darkly. James grimaced apologetically.

“Something about being afraid of the marauders breaking up if something happened to one of us” James admitted in a small voice.

“What the fuck, James!” Sirius cried angrily. “Are you kidding me? What the fuck would you say something like that to him for?”

“I didn’t mean it like THAT” James replied defensively.

“Jesus, why didn’t you just tell him were all going to ditch him at the first sign of trouble” Sirius went on.

“Sirius!” Lily admonished him, but he ignored her, still scowling at James.

“I don’t get it, were you TRYING to make him feel like we don’t want him, or-?“

“I meant that I’m afraid one of us is going to DIE” James yelled over him. Sirius froze, looking shocked, and James felt slightly embarrassed, but there was no point in backing down now.

“I hadn’t even realised that’s how I felt until I was talking to him. But it is. I’m scared, _all the fucking time_ , for all of us - including him.” James looked helplessly to Lily, who had one hand on her bump and looked very worried. He hadn’t voiced any of this to her before, not wanting to worry her even more.

“We’re all fucking scared, James” Sirius said moodily, but he sounded much less angry. “But you cant put that on him, not now.”

“I _know_ ” James protested. “I’m sorry, alright?”

“James, why didn’t you say anything?” Lily asked him gently. He gave her a small smile.

“Because” James sighed “Sirius has got Remus to look after. And you’ve got the baby to look after. You don’t need to be looking after me as well. Besides, I’m a dad now, I’ve got to just, fucking, pull myself together” he shrugged.

“James” Lily scowled, turning James’s head to force him to look her in the eye. “Us having this baby doesn’t mean I’m not looking after you anymore. We need each other, now more than ever.” James gave her a small smile and she returned it, kissing him on the cheek.

“This is all very lovely and everything” Sirius interrupted “but what are we going to do about Moony?”

The smile dropped from James’s face immediately.

“I don’t know” he admitted.

“You must have told him it’s not his fault, right?” Lily said to Sirius.

“Of course” he replied.

“Did he hear you?” she asked. James already knew the answer to that. Of course he hadn’t. He never did. Sirius seemed to think that this went without saying too, as he didn’t respond, merely giving Lily a grim look. She sighed, looking as though she was deep in thought.

“Has he told Dumbledore about any of this?” She asked after a pause.

“I don’t think so” Sirius said, shaking his head. “He wouldn’t want him to know, would he?”

“He wouldn’t judge him for it though, would he?” James pointed out. “We all know it wasn’t his fault, whatever it was that happened.”

“Yeah but you know what Moony’s like” Sirius countered. “He’s so paranoid that one day we’ll all just turn on him. Besides, it’s not just that. He’s ashamed.”

“Of what?” James asked incredulously.

“Of being... how he’s been, since he got back. I’ve suggested to him a hundred times that we come over here, but he doesn’t want to see anyone. Or he doesn’t want anyone to see him, more like.”

“He told you this?” Lily asked, Sirius gave a short, humourless laugh.

“No, but I can read between the lines. He smashed the bathroom mirror and tried to tell me it was an accident.”

“What makes you think it _wasn’t_ an accident?” Lily asked.

“Because he was sweeping up the pieces to throw them away when I found him, instead of just repairing it. And he smashed the bedroom mirror two days later” Sirius shook his head. “And meanwhile all I get is, _‘it’s fine Pads, I’m just tired, just leave it ok'_. And he keeps staring out of the window, like he’s desperate to get out of the flat, but whenever I suggest going somewhere he doesn’t want to.”

“Shit, Sirius, I didn’t realise it was so bad” James said regretfully. 

“Yeah, well” Sirius said grimly. “I’ve tried dealing with it his way, but things are just getting worse. It’s time for reinforcements.”

“What do you need us to do?” James asked. He was ready to offer himself up for just about anything after all Sirius had just told them.

“I don’t know” Sirius replied. “I was hoping you might have some suggestions.”

“Do you think we should tell Dumbledore” Lily asked, and James and Sirius both turned to look at her. James cast a quick glance at Sirius and saw that he also looked somewhat apprehensive about this prospect.

“Remus didn’t want him to know” Sirius said, sounding uncertain.

“Yeah, but he didn’t want any of us to know either, and look where that got him” Lily argued. “Besides, Dumbledore will be able to get through to him.”

“Will he?” Sirius asked darkly.

“Won’t he?” Lily replied, bewildered. Sirius and James exchanged a meaningful look, in which James knew they were both feeling the same trepidation.

“Lily...” James began, unsure how to articulate the feeling of unease he had. Unsure of exactly what it was that he didn’t like about the idea of involving Dumbledore in this.

“How much do you think he knew about what he was sending Remus into?” Sirius asked her baldly. Lily didn’t seem to know how to answer and James silently watched Sirius, waiting for him to go on, with no idea whether he really wanted him to or not.

“Because I find it pretty hard to believe that he didn’t know what those werewolves would be like. I mean, hell, that’s the reason he sent Remus there in the first place, right?”

Sirius paused for a reaction and James realised he was holding his breath. He had had this sense of foreboding ever since Remus had gotten back and told them about his mission, but now Sirius seemed to be pressing dangerously close to something James had been trying very hard not to think about and some alarm bells were going off in his head. He wanted to tell Sirius to shut up, but he also really wanted to hear what he was going to say.

“What are you getting at, Sirius?” Lily asked seriously.

“I’m getting at the fact that even if we DID tell the old puppet master what happened to Remus, I’m not so sure he’d be surprised” Sirius said boldly. “And I’m not so sure he’d even care.”

“Sirius!” Lily sounded scandalized. James felt too like Sirius had just crossed some sort of line, but at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to disagree with anything he had said. Sirius looked defiantly back at Lily, who looked to James for support.

“Of course he’d care” she protested. James wanted to believe her.

“Then why hasn’t he checked up on him?” Sirius asked. “We’ve had a single letter, to tell us about the new barn and that’s it. Not a fucking word.”

“Well... there’s a lot going on right now” Lily muttered, but even she was starting to sound doubtful. She once again looked to James.

“Well?” she demanded of him. “Aren’t you going to say something?”

James hesitated, looking between a troubled Lily and a defiant Sirius.

“I don’t...” James tailed off and shook his head, trying to shake all the uncertainty out of it.

“We can’t start doubting Dumbledore’s motives” James said to both of them firmly. “He’s had to make some tough decisions, but it’s all for the order, right? We all agreed to that when we signed up. Even Remus” James made eye contact with Sirius as he said this, and he could tell that his brother wanted to argue this point, but James spoke again before he had chance to.

“We can take care of Remus, he doesn’t need anyone apart from us. We’re a family, right?”

“Right” Sirius agreed begrudgingly.

“And I think I know what we need to do” James said to Sirius, a smile beginning to form on his face as a stroke of genius suddenly struck him. “I think it’s time we starting talking about what we’re going to do for my stag do.”

There was a moment of silence in which Sirius just stared blankly at James, and Lily looked mildly confused.

“That’s it?” Sirius replied, raising an eyebrow and sounding supremely unimpressed. “That’s your big solution is it? You want us to throw you a fucking party? We've got a REAL problem here, James!”

“Yes, I know that, thank you” James replied dismissively, annoyed that Sirius didn’t understand the brilliance of this plan. “I’m not talking about just throwing a party. I want to throw the biggest fucking party that any of us have ever had. I want it to be legendary. I want us to be talking about it for the rest of our lives. I want a party that’s going to make us forget about this fucking war and all the shit that’s happened.”

James wasn’t sure exactly at what point during this inspirational speech he had stood up, but he was now towering over Sirius, holding his arms out in a grand gesture. To his dismay, Sirius still looked sceptical.

“Do you know what he told me, last time we properly talked?” James asked, but went on without giving Sirius time to respond. It was a rhetorical question anyway. “That nothing is simple any more. That it used to be us four against the world. Well what if it could be again? Just for one night, even if we’re just fucking pretending, it doesn’t matter!” Sirius was starting to look like he understood what James was getting at, which further emboldened him.

“We need this, Pads” James implored him. “Fuck, we ALL need this. One night where we’re just the marauders, and none of the other shit matters.”

James looked at Sirius expectantly, who despite his clear efforts to keep his expression neutral was starting to smile.

“Are you done?” Sirius asked, trying to sound patronising, but his tone too warm to pull it off. James sat down on Sirius’s lap and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, the way they had often done to each other back at school.

“You know I’m right” James told him. Sirius ruffled James’s hair affectionately. They both jumped slightly when Lily pointedly coughed.

“I’ll leave you boys to it then, shall I?” she said, eyebrows raised.

“That’s probably for the best” Sirius replied, completely unabashed. “Less you know the better.”

“Just...” Lily pressed her lips together looking a little concerned and James got up off Sirius, giving her his full attention. “At the risk of sounding like a stick in the mud” she went on. “Just be careful, alright? Remus is going through some serious stuff, and Sirius is on the thinnest of thin ice with the ministry. And we still don’t know if we’re being targeted by death eaters or not.”

“I know, Lils” James replied softly, taking one of her hands and giving it a squeeze. “We'll be careful, I promise.”


	12. The Stag, pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favourite chapter of this work by a clear mile. If you read my notes at the end of the fic, I think it will be pretty clear why.

“You’re insane” Remus said, folding his arms and glaring at the three of them, but focusing particularly on Sirius, as though he knew it had been his idea. “I know that you all think that rules don’t apply to you, but you’re-“ Remus cast a furtive look around the pub they were in, and leaned over the table towards Sirius, James and Peter. “You’re actually suggesting we _break into Hogwarts?_ ” he hissed.

“Well yeah” Sirius shrugged calmly. “Why do you think we’re here?”

They were sat in the Three Broomsticks, on their second round of drinks – well, third really, including the toast they had done at James’s place before heading out. When Sirius had first told Remus where they were going he had asked why they were going so far away, and Sirius had told him that it was for old times sake. Telling Moony the plan outright was a sure way to send him into prefect mode, but giving him little hints and letting him get there himself usually persuaded him that he was already in on it.

“ _Breaking in_ is an ugly choice of words” James said diplomatically, pushing Remus's drink towards him in what he probably considered a subtle attempt to placate him. “We’re not _breaking_ anything, we just go in through one of the tunnels.”

“Right. And get caught by Dumbledore and torn a new one by Moody?” Remus replied incredulously. “Peter, you’re not seriously entertaining this are you?”

They all looked to Peter, who merely shrugged helplessly and then started chugging his drink. Sirius could see why Peter would be Remus’s best shot at the voice of reason in this scenario, but the truth of it was that once James and Sirius were invested in a plan, Peter would rather eat his own tail than go against them. And there was nothing that Remus could say to stop them.

“We’re not going to get caught, worry wart” Sirius told Remus. “We’ve got the cloak, and thanks to Moody we can all now do a shit hot disillusionment charm.”

“We’ll only be in there for, what? Half an hour? An hour, tops” James said reasonably. “We go, we toast, we reminisce, we leave. What’s the harm?”

“The harm is we are four full grown adults breaking into a school, where there are children sleeping” Remus argued. “You’re telling me you don’t see any issue with that?”

“Remus, it’s not like it’s just some random school” Sirius reasoned. “We were students there ourselves not long ago. Besides, no-one’s even going to know.”

“You never think you’re going to get caught” Remus muttered, shaking his head. While that was probably true, in his entire life Sirius had probably only ever been caught for about a quarter of the things he actually did. He was willing to gamble on those odds.

“Its our turf, Remus, we know that place like the back of our hands” he countered.

“We’d know it a lot better if someone hadn't lost the map in seventh year” Remus grumbled, scowling at Sirius. He’d held a grudge about that since the day Sirius had admitted that it was gone.

“Ahem, we never lost it, I’ll thank you to remember” James lied. “We left it behind for a worthy future student to find.”

“Don’t give me that shit” Remus replied dismissively before taking a large swig of his drink, and Sirius grinned. Truthfully he and James has been so drunk the night they lost it that to this day they had no idea what had happened to it. It had taken them about two weeks of evasive manoeuvres before they finally admitted to the others that is was gone. Remus, who had spent more time on it’s development than anyone else, had taken it particularly hard.

“What do we need the map for anyway?” Sirius asked, waving airily. “YOU made that maps, Moons, it’s in your head. You ARE the map.”

“That’s a touching sentiment, but _I_ don’t have the magical ability to tell when a teacher is coming” Remus replied flatly, while James and Peter sniggered.

“Yes you do, it’s called hearing” James said, and Sirius and Peter laughed.

“Plus, I think you’re forgetting that we did four years of maraudering before the map even existed” Peter interjected, and James clapped him on the shoulder in support.

“You see? Untouchable” James declared, gesturing around the four of them. “What could possibly go wrong?”

“Do you really need me to make a list?” Remus asked, still looking unimpressed.

“I think I see what the problem is” Sirius nodded sagely. “You’re clearly not drunk enough, HEY, CAN WE GET SOME SHOTS OVER HERE!” he yelled towards the bar.

“YES!” James yelled, and Remus put a hand over his face looking pained. “SHOTTTTTTSSSSS!”

“See, the thing is” Remus went on painstakingly, ignoring this outburst. “I’m about 99% sure that you’re winding me up. But a _little_ part of me thinks that you’re serious.”

“He’s Sirius” James said, pointing at Sirius, who beamed at a groaning Remus.

“I knew this was going to be a tricky one for you to wrap your little noggin around” Sirius told Remus, sliding around the booth to put an arm around his shoulders. “But we are actually 100% serious about this. _Think_ about it, we had the best times of our lives in that castle. We can’t do this anywhere else. It has to be there.”

“And we can’t do it without you, mate” James added, sliding around to Remus’s other side and mirroring Sirius. “We need you on board.”

“Peter, for the love of god” Remus pleaded across the table. Peter was saved from having to respond by the arrival of the barmaid at their table, who was carrying a tray of slightly smoking shots of green liquid. James and Sirius cheered loudly, but the barmaid looked suddenly stern.

“I don’t mind the noise” she said sharply, “but you only get these if you promise you’re not going to be making trouble in my pub tonight. Is that clear?”

“Are you single?” Sirius asked her in response, causing James to cackle with laughter and Remus to groan again.

“Are you straight?” she countered as she put the tray down on the table, which caused the others to erupt in laughter, even Remus.

“For you baby, I’d turn” Sirius called after her as she sauntered away, reaching out a hand after her.

“Oh my god” Remus muttered, pushing his hand down, but he was still grinning. “Can’t take you anywhere.”

“Sorry about that, honey” Sirius said, winking at a mortified Remus. “Lost my head for a second when I saw how much alcohol she brought us.” He picked up two shots off the tray which easily held enough for them to have at least three each.

“So what do you say Moony?” Sirius asked him, holding one of the shots out to him. “For old times?”

Remus looked apprehensively between the others. Sirius knew he was having an internal struggle with himself, but the fact that he was even hesitating over his answer meant that they had already won. This was Sirius’s favourite part by far in the whole game.

“Don’t know what you mean by old times” Remus replied, ignoring the shot that Sirius was holding out to him and picking up two off the tray for himself. They all watched him with rapt attention.

“We’re still the marauders, last time I checked” he said calmly, before downing the two shots he had just picked up in quick succession, before taking the third one out of Sirius’s hand and downing that one as well without breaking pace.

There was a moment of stunned silence before James shouted at the top of his lungs “REMUS FUCKING LUPIN!” and they all cheered. Sirius got out of his seat to bow down to the man, who even after eight years was still taking him by surprise.

-

“Remus, what the hell are we doing?” James asked, as they made their way up the hill in Hogsmeade, going the opposite direction to the school. “If this is some sort of diversionary tactic then it’s definitely working, but shame on you for derailing our brilliant plans.”

“Just a temporary diversion boys” Remus replied, leading the way with purpose. They had won him over, but as was always the case with Remus if he was going to make trouble he was going to do it on his own terms. Sirius dutifully trotted after him, batting the trail of toilet paper that was blowing in the wind away from his face. Remus had come back from the bathroom in the pub with it and told the rest of them that he had a genius idea. Now they were following him to god knows where, apparently on some bathroom related business. Sirius wasn’t there to question things, he just wanted mischief, whatever form it took.

“Remus, are we headed where I think were headed?” Peter called from the rear of the group. As usual he was trailing slightly behind, always wanting to see what was coming in advance of actually jumping into it. That took all the fun out of it in Sirius’s opinion, but each to their own.

“I don’t know Wormy, I’m not a mind reader” Remus replied good naturedly. Sirius took a second to actually take in their surroundings, his drunken brain working much slower than his sober one. The path was familiar, but it wasn’t one they had taken often. He couldn’t remember where it led.

“Oh shit, I know where we’re going!” James interjected, sounding excited. “I don't know what the toilet roll is for though” he added, sounding confused. “Unless you’re planning to take a shit on it?”

“Would I ever do anything so crude?” Remus asked calmly. “We’re nearly there though, time to start duplicating these.” He drew his wand and tapped the toilet roll he was carrying with it. An identical copy dropped out of it, which Remus deftly caught and handed to Sirius.

“Erm, why?” James asked, sounding like he thought Remus might have gone mad. Sirius didn’t understand it either, but he knew it would become clear eventually. Remus had a creative brain for mischief that surpassed any of them, and Sirius was more than happy to let him run with it on the rare occasion he let himself do so.

“Really?” Remus asked incredulously. “None of you see where I’m going with this?” when none of them replied he shook his head and muttered “wizards...”

“Just do it Prongs” Sirius advised him. “You know whatever it is it’ll be worth it.” And so they did, creating roll after roll of toilet paper. Peter’s came out yellow for some reason and Sirius doubted that it was on purpose but he thought it was fantastic, and started making his own in bright pink. By the time they’d reached their destination, all four of the boys had arms full of the stuff, a sparse trail down the path behind them where they’d dropped the odd roll or two.

“The shrieking shack!” Sirius said, as he spotted it a little way ahead of them. Of course, that was where this path led. But they had never really taken it in their school Hogsmeade visits, as the last thing Remus wanted to do in his free time was visit the shack. So why would he want to visit it now?

Remus stopped in front of it, dropping all but one of the rolls he was carrying. The rest of them did the same, forming a line next to him all facing the shack, waiting to see what he was going to do. Remus stood quietly and surveyed the place for a moment or two.

“I used to be so afraid of this place” he said quietly, seemingly more to himself than any of the rest of them.

“Its just a shack, Rem” James said, patting him on the shoulder.

“Its not though” Remus replied evenly. “It’s the place where I had to endure something terrible every month, for years of my life.”

Sirius, James and Peter all exchanged a worried look, but Remus wasn’t paying them any attention. He was looking up at the shack in front of them, his expression neutral.

“But you know what?” Remus went on. “Since I had you guys with me, even this place wasn’t so bad anymore.”

“Aw, Remus” James said affectionately, giving him a one armed hug.

“I mean, it was still awful” Remus said. “I still didn’t want to come here, but...” he shook his head, as though trying to snap himself out of something. “Fuck, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m fucking drunk” he said. Sirius laughed.

“You’re trying to say you love us” Sirius said, ruffling Remus’s hair, but Remus shook his head again.

“No” he replied quietly. “I think what I'm trying to say is... Fuck this place!” and with that, Remus cocked his arm back as far as he could, and threw the toilet roll he was holding full force. The roll started to unravel in the air as it flew over the roof of the shack, leaving a long stream of paper in it's wake that fell over the house, like some strange sort of sash. The all watched it go, with almost reverence. It seemed to Sirius like it was falling in slow motion, and in that moment, he thought he had never seen anything so poetic.

“FUCKING. YES. REMUS!” James yelled, following suit, throwing one of Peter’s yellow rolls after the first one. Sirius starting laughing and found that he couldn’t stop. It didn’t really seem to matter, all of them were laughing as they all threw roll after roll, covering the shack in streams of toilet paper.

“FUCK THIS PLACE” Sirius yelled, as he threw one of his pink rolls, and Remus turned around to beam at him.

“You know we could have achieved the same thing with a streamer spell” Sirius told him as Remus leaned in closer to him and Sirius wrapped an arm around his waist. They watched the other two, still furiously throwing toilet paper at the shack. Peter couldn’t quite get them all the way over the roof, bless him, but he was still giving it a good go.

“It wouldn’t have been as satisfying” Remus smiled, and Sirius couldn’t argue with that. He offered one of his pink rolls to Remus, who took it with a wicked grin and launched it with the same energy that he had the first one. Sirius had never loved him more.

-

“Remind me again why we had to take _this_ tunnel” James grumbled. Sirius understood his indignation, they were currently crawling on their bellies through a particularly tight section of the passage that went underneath the lake and into the Hogwarts castle, and James was carrying the backpack that had his invisibility cloak and all the firewhisky in it.

“Because breaking into Hogwarts is one thing, but we’re not breaking into Honeydukes” Remus explained. “Dumbledore will be angry with us, but the shop owner might actually have us arrested.”

Sirius knew that they could also have entered through the passageway that came out behind the fourth floor mirror, but Remus was likely making them crawl through this space as punishment for dragging him into this. And also for his own amusement.

“Where’s your marauder spirit” Sirius admonished James from behind him, pinching his ankle for good measure. “It’s an adventure, this.”

“I prefer my adventures with a bit less commando training these days” he huffed in response and Sirius laughed.

“Married life is making you soft already mate” he said.

“And you’re not even married yet” Peter chimed in, and they all laughed.

They finally reached the end of the part of the passageway that required them to crawl, and the boys straightened up as they emerged one by one. James was stretching, looking like he was in pain, and Sirius privately agreed that this sort of thing was much easier on the joints when they were fifteen. He damned sure wasn’t going to admit it though.

“Onwards” he declared, after Peter (the last one through) joined them, and they all advanced towards what they knew was a short distance away – the wooden ladder at the end of the tunnel. They stopped at the bottom of it, having a short debate on who was to go first. It was quickly decided that James under the cloak would make sure the coast was clear, and then call to the rest of them to follow. They excitedly watched him climb up the ladder – it went up a long way, so rather that wait on the ground, Sirius left a sizeable enough gap that James could come back down a little way if he needed to, and then followed. Remus And Peter did the same behind him.

It didn’t take long for them to reach the top of the ladder, where James carefully pushed open the hatch above his head, which Sirius knew opened up inside a broom closet next to the owlery. He rather thought that the amount of caution they were taking was somewhat unnecessary. No one would be up on the owlery at this time of night. On further reflection, this probably actually was the most sensible route to take for breaking into the castle without the marauders map because it was guaranteed to be deserted. Good old Moony, always thought of everything.

James scrambled through the trap door, but Sirius stayed where he was, just in case. A moment or two later, James called quietly down to them.

“Coast is clear.”

Sirius felt a surge of excitement and he ascended the ladder to the hatch, where James helped him climb out into the broom closet. Once he was through he left James to help the other two and pushed open the door, looking out into the owlery staircase. He took a deep breath and smiled widely. He couldn’t believe it. They were here! They were home.

He looked back and beamed at the other three, as James was hauling Peter up through the trapdoor and Remus was putting on James’s backpack. The plan was for Remus to be under the cloak and the other three to take their animagus forms while they moved, to minimise the risk of them being caught. Sirius privately thought that it didn’t matter hugely if they _were_ caught. It was Dumbledore’s school after all, yes he’d probably be annoyed but it’s not like he’d press charges or anything. And it’s not like they could get detention anymore.

“Lets do it, lads” James grinned, before transforming into the stag. Sirius and Peter followed suit, and Remus shook his head as if in disbelief at what they were doing before swinging the invisibility cloak over himself. Sirius being the one by the door led the way, up the steps into the owlery, verifying that is was indeed deserted before transforming back into himself. It had hardly seemed worth it for such a short journey, but it was the price of keeping Remus’s anxiety to a minimum, which Sirius had leaned long ago was a price worth paying to maximise the general enjoyment of a good escapade. He went over to stand by the window, looking out over the rest of the castle and the grounds, including the lake which they had just partially crawled under.

“It’s been far too long since our last drink” Remus said decisively, appearing behind him and pulling a bottle out of the backpack. Sirius grinned and conjured four glasses, turning around to see James and Peter joining them. Remus poured them each a generous measure, laughing a little under his breath.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this” he muttered. “This is mad. WE are mad.”

“To James” Sirius said earnestly, raising his glass. “The man who saw the madness in each of us, and encouraged the hell out of it, bringing us together for mutual madness.”

“I don’t regret a single second of it” James replied firmly.

“Why would you? We’re amazing” Sirius replied without missing a beat.

“And on that humble note...” Remus interjected, gesturing that they should toast.

“To James” Peter said, as they blinked their glasses together.

“To James” they all chorused, and drained their glasses.

“Damn, that’s nice” James said appreciatively, examining the glass, as though it held some clues as to why the firewhisky had gone down so well. The previous five (six? Who knew at this point) drinks notwithstanding, there was in fact good reason for it.

“Top shelf stuff that” Sirius told him. “We splashed out, this being a special occasion and all.”

“Aww, you guys” James gushed, pulling Sirius in for a headlock-like hug. Sirius’s attention had shifted, however, to Remus. The colour had drained from his face and he was stood completely rigid, looking past them and out of the window behind Sirius.

“Remus, what’s wrong” Sirius asked, feeling immediately much more sober. James released him at once and Sirius moved closer to his boyfriend, putting a tentative hand on Remus’s shoulder while he followed his gaze outside.

“I saw one” Remus whispered, his eyes wide and staring out of the window. James went over to the window and peering out of it looking confused, but Sirius understood what he meant.

“A thestral?” he asked quietly. Remus nodded stiffly, still staring straight ahead. Sirius saw James and Peter exchange an uneasy glance but he wasn’t really paying them much attention. He was internally kicking himself for not having anticipated this.

“Its alright Rem” Sirius told him softly. “I’m here with you, OK?”

“I...” Remus frowned and shook his head. “Sorry” he muttered, lifting the glass he was still holding as though to take a drink of it and looking mildly surprised to find it empty. “I don’t know why I’m... I already knew that I can see them...” He turned away from Sirius to pick up the firewhisky bottle and poured himself another drink, with trembling hands. James and Peter both gave Sirius a bewildered look.

“It's alright, Remus” James said. “You don’t have to-“

“Look, let’s just forget about it, yeah?” Remus cut across him, sounding a bit more normal, but Sirius could tell he was still shaken. “We said that tonight we were going to forget about everything. That’s... That’s what I want to do.”

“Alright then” James said, a little uncertainly. Sirius studied Remus’s face carefully, but he had already masked whatever he was feeling with a neutral expression as he downed his drink.

“Alright then” Peter said, with a bit more conviction, and Remus visibly relaxed a little at having the focus shifted off of him. “Where to next, then?”

-

Their next stop was the great hall, the backdrop for so many of their pranks in their school days. They sat at the Gryffindor table and reminisced at length over another drink about some of the better ones they had pulled off (see: Halloween, second year, singing pumpkins) and some of the ones that had gone horribly wrong (see: Sirius’s birthday, fourth year, a backfiring disguise charm that had left Peter with blue spots on his face for a week, which James and Sirius had subsequently copied with makeup and tried to pretend that they were starting a new trend).

“Well, pranks aside, I still think the most scandalous thing ever to happen in this hall was one, young Sirius Black full on snogging a guy on top of this very table here” James declared, patting the table in front of where he was sort of slumped up against it. His hair was stuck up all over the place and he was drunker than Sirius had seen him in a long time. It really was like they’d somehow gone back in time a couple of years. Sirius grinned lazily at him.

“You’re still jealous about that, even after all this time” he replied nonchalantly. “I would have thought getting a girl would finally make you stop pining over me, Prongs” Sirius put a hand over his heart and tossed his hair dramatically, to snickers from Remus and Peter. James looked outraged.

“I’m not jealous, you dickhead” James argued. “Do you _know_ how many people I had to hex for being homophobic after that?”

“He never thinks about the aftermath” Remus chimed in, shaking his head slowly. “Who do you think it was who had to explain to heartbroken Jimmy Fletcher that Sirius was too much of a playboy to be tied down to a relationship? It sure wasn’t him.”

Sirius whipped his head around to gape at Remus at that, but Remus didn’t seem to be that bothered about it, he was sharing a wicked grin with James, who had started to cackle. Sirius for his part just barely remembered Jimmy in the first place, and cast his mind back to try and work out when that whole thing had actually happened, in relation to the early days of him and Remus dancing around each other.

“Look at him, he’s trying to remember” Remus said, ruffling Sirius’s hair roughly. Sirius slapped his hand away, frowning. “Bet you didn’t even remember his name, did you?”

“What can I say, Moons, I didn’t know the true meaning of love until I met you” Sirius declared dramatically, to which Remus smirked and James and Peter made retching sounds and mimed being sick.

“You met me in first year, you nonce” Remus shot back, and the others cackled. “But this was long before I’d even looked your way, if that’s what you’re trying to work out.”

“Oh, good” Sirius replied, relaxing, as James and Peter practically howled with laughter. “Would have been terribly bad form otherwise.”

“Like _that_ ever bothered you when you were sixteen” James interjected. “I had no idea how common it was to be gay until I saw how many heads you turned.”

“See, there’s that jealousy again, Jamie” Sirius tilted his head as he looked at James with a smirk. “You had your chance with me, but it was all _‘I love Lily Evans so much, one day I’m going to marry her'._ ”

“And one day I fucking am!” James declared triumphantly. Remus sarcastically slow clapped him, and Sirius collapsed into laughter.

“Against all odds” Peter chimed in. “Who’d have thought that she’d one day sustain enough brain damage to actually think marrying you is a good idea.”

“Ah, well, he’s knocked her up now. That’s it, she’s locked in” Remus grinned, and Sirius could barely breathe for laughing. “We know your game, mate” Remus pointed accusatorially at James, who looked affronted.

“I’ll have you know that was an accident” James said, but quickly backpedalled when they all burst out into fresh laughter. “Not that we’re not thrilled!”

“Please, no more” Sirius gasped, clutching his chest. “My heart can’t take it.”

They all continued to laugh, until they heard a distant voice from beyond the entrance hall.

“- racket in the Great hall. Must be students out of bed...”

“Shit!” hissed Remus, haphazardly grabbing the cloak and throwing it over himself, accidently smacking Sirius in the process. Before Sirius had worked out what had happened, Peter was holding a wand to his head and he felt a cold sensation seeping down his body, as though someone had poured a glass of water over him. He looked around and saw a slightly blurry outline which must be a disillusioned James ducking under the table. Sirius followed suit, laying face down on the floor underneath the table, examining his hand with interest, which had taken on the exact colour and texture of the stone floor underneath him.

The doors to the great hall opened and Sirius saw two people walk in. From his current position all he could see was the swishing of the bottom of their robes. He watched them start to loop around the Slytherin table, on the other side of the hall, but was momentarily distracted by the appearance of Remus’s arm next to him, which waved a wand up at the table above them. Of course, the glasses! At least one of them had their head on straight. Sirius shook his head, quietly chuckling to himself.

“Good thinking, Moons” he whispered, patting the air where Remus’s arm had disappeared again, hitting something invisible which was probably Remus’s head.

“Shhhh” Remus replied, his hand appearing again to swat Sirius’s away, which was too much for Sirius, who had to put both hand over his mouth to stifle his laughing.

“Shut up, Pads” James hissed, which didn’t help one bit. However, Sirius managed to get a hold of himself just as the two voices approached the Gryffindor table.

“... doesn’t seem to be anyone here, perhaps they went out the back way?” Sirius recognised the voice as belonging to Slughorn, the potions teacher. Old Sluggy wasn’t usually one for random night time strolls (enjoyed lazing in front of the fire with a bottle of mead a bit too much for that) – what was he doing patrolling the castle at this time of night?

“It could have been Peeves?” suggested a female voice that Sirius didn’t immediately recognise, although it was familiar.

“No, Poppy, that was definitely students. I heard multiple voices laughing. Unless Peeves has learnt some new tricks we’ve not seen yet...”

Of course, Poppy, the healer from the hospital wing. How could Sirius have forgotten her? He’d spent half his life down there with Remus. What on earth was she doing all the way down here? Were her and Slughorn looking for someone? Maybe the marauders weren’t the only ones out and about in the castle tonight.

Suddenly, Slughorn bent over and peered underneath the table, a little way away from them. Sirius held his breath and stayed dead still, but their disillusionment charms were pretty good, and in the dim lighting he didn’t seem to be able to see them. He looked around, from where he stood, underneath all of the other tables.

“No, nothing here. Looks like we missed them” he said to Poppy, and the two of them made their way over to the back door out of the great hall towards the dungeons.

“Perhaps they went back to the Slytherin common room...” Sirius heard Poppy say, as the door swung closed behind them.

“That. Was. Close” Remus whispered, and he slid the cloak off his head, which appeared to float ominously a few inches above the ground.

“Don’t be daft, they were nowhere near catching us” James replied. Sirius couldn’t really see him, just a vague outline, but he knew that James was waving airily the way he did when he was trying to be nonchalant. The mental image of it alone was enough to make Sirius snort with laughter.

“Not lost our edge chaps, good to see” Peter added. His disillusionment charm was considerably better than James’s, and Sirius could barely see him at all. He had to squint to see the slightly waving air around what was presumably Peter scrambling out from underneath the table next to James.

“Speak for yourself” Remus huffed, as the rest of them ducked out from under the table to sit on the benches again. “It’s only thanks to me they didn’t see the glasses on the table.”

“Your efforts to the cause are appreciated, Moony” Sirius said, tapping his own wand to his forehead to lift the charm so Remus could see Sirius winking at him. Remus did not look impressed by this kind gesture.

“So, Slytherins out of bed, eh?” James said thoughtfully, lifting his own disillusionment charm and looking pointedly at the rest of them. “Interesting...”

“Is it?” Sirius asked, slightly confused. He hadn’t paid the matter any mind whatsoever.

“Well...” James shrugged, his drunken efforts at nonchalance actually coming across as almost melodramatic in his terrible execution. “I mean, suppose we _had_ travelled back in time tonight, and we were, you know, average Gryffindor students. And we just _happened_ to come across some Slytherins skulking around the castle, up to no good... I mean, what else can we possibly do in that situation?”

“James” Remus had his prefect face on again. Sirius internally chastised himself for finding it sexy. “You’re not actually suggesting we go and hex some random students?”

“I’m not suggesting anything” James shrugged again, pulling what he probably thought was an innocent expression. “I’m just thinking aloud.” He locked eyes with Sirius and raised his eyebrows just a fraction. It could not have been any clearer that James was asking him: are you in, or what? In all the years they had known each other, Sirius had never needed asking twice.

“Roaming the castle, dodging Sluggy and Pomfrey” Sirius mused, and he saw James break out into a wicked grin. “Sounds like highly suspicious behaviour to me. Definitely up to no good, whoever they are.”

“You might even consider it our duty, to intervene” James went on. “Suppose we did nothing, and then these people went on to do their nefarious bidding. Think of the carnage.”

“But we could stop it. We could save so many lives”

“We could be the ones to bring peace to this school.”

“Heroes, you might say.”

“A parade would be thrown in our honour.”

Sirius chanced a glance at the other two, who had fallen very silent. Peter was staring down at the table, maybe hoping if he avoided eye contact completely that James and Sirius would forget he was there. Remus had that little frown on that he always did when James and Sirius were going a bit further than he was willing to.

“I mean, maybe just a stinging hex. Nothing too extreme” Sirius reasoned. Remus did not look placated by this.

“Of _course_. Wouldn’t want to overstep” James added. “Maybe just a jelly legs jinx.”

“Or a levicorpus” Sirius said excitedly. “Oh James, it’s been an age since I did a good levicorpus.”

“Well that decides it then” James said, rising to his feet and pulling out his wand. “Cant have you getting rusty on an old favourite.” Sirius grinned broadly and stood up as well, looking back to Remus and Peter. Peter was still resolutely looking anywhere but at James and Sirius. Remus was looking pained.

“Oh come _on_ ” Sirius implored them. “This might be the last time I ever get to do this” he pouted.

“Remus, you can be in charge of the counter curse” James offered. “Let them down when they’ve had enough.”

“Hey, I didn’t agree to that!” Sirius protested, but Remus uttered a dissatisfied “fine” and begrudgingly got up to join them.

“Pete” James called to him. “Come on now. All for one.”

Peter finally looked over at them, wearing a similar expression to Remus. He never did have the stomach for this sort of thing.

“Pete, the fact that Pomfrey is looking for them means they probably stole something from the hospital wing” Sirius told him.

“Or one of them just broke out of there” Remus countered, ever the voice of reason.

“How many times did you want to leave the hospital wing?” Sirius shot back at him. “And how many times did you?” Remus had no answer to that. “What is even the point of leaving the hospital wing in the middle of the night unless it’s to do something you’re not supposed to?”

“To have sex?” Peter offered. This took Sirius by surprise and he let out a bark-like laugh.

“That can easily be done _in_ the hospital wing, trust me” he replied. “So are we doing this then?”

“Yes, we are” James said decisively, striding towards the door that Slughorn and Pomfrey had exited through not too long ago. Sirius tailed him closely, and he heard the others shuffling behind. He felt a wand tap his head from behind and the familiar sensation of another disillusionment charm. Remus then did the same to James, and finally himself. Peter was nowhere to be seen, but Sirius could hear his footsteps and knew he was with them. He didn’t really have a choice in the matter now.

“So what do you reckon, dungeons?” James asked.

“Obviously” Sirius replied, and they descended the stairs down to the lowest level of the castle. It was even darker down here with no moonlight streaming in through the windows, and only the lit torches hanging from the walls casting just enough light to navigate the corridors by. They were headed in the vague direction of the common room, but Sirius noticed a classroom door slightly ajar up ahead of them and put an arm out to stop James in his tracks.

“Over there” he said quietly, nodding his head towards it, before realising that James couldn’t see him. He sniggered to himself, and then pointed with his wand, so the others could see.

They crept towards the door, Sirius was listening hard for any sounds of someone else. His heart was thudding with excitement. He knew this was stupid and childish, but hell, wasn’t that what this whole night was all about? And he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t relishing the idea of hexing some filthy little death eater in the making. After feeling so useless for so long. This was going to feel good.

“I can hear them” James breathed, as they reached the door. There were two girls, talking quietly. Sirius could hear them but he couldn’t quite make out what was being said. He experimentally pushed the door open just a tiny little bit more, not enough for them to see into the room, but enough to let a bit more of the sound out.

“... don’t know why he wouldn’t just tell me he was leaving. I really thought we had a connection.” One of the girls sounded as though she was crying, and Sirius faltered. This hardly seemed sporting, if she was already upset.

“That’s just Regulus” the other girl replied, and Sirius felt his entire body stiffen. “He didn’t really tell any of us anything, did he? I mean, it’s not really surprising, with that whole business with his brother. He just wanted to keep to himself. Maintain the Black’s reputation as well as he could.”

“But that’s exactly why he’s done it” the first girl spluttered. “He probably thinks joining the dark Lord will make up for his brother’s mistakes.”

“Well... maybe it will” the second girl replied, and the first one let out a fresh wave of sobs.

“Look” the second girl went on, now sounding impatient. “I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this but, the Black’s name doesn’t quite mean what it used to these days. It’s an embarrassment, what happened with them, quite frankly. You could do better than Regulus.”

“But I don’t want better” the other girl wept. “I just want him.”

“Alright, I’ve heard enough” James said quietly in Sirius’s ear. He felt a pair of hands grope around his bicep, evidently trying to work out where he was. Once they had got a good grip on him they started pulling him away from the door. Sirius felt like his brain was moving in slow motion, and allowed himself to be dragged away from the door, and back up the corridor towards the staircase. He was vaguely aware of someone tapping his head with a wand and his own feet reappearing in his eyeline as he shuffled along, still being steered by someone else. That didn’t seem to matter very much. The only thing Sirius could focus on were the words echoing around his head.

_He probably thinks joining the dark Lord will make up for his brother’s mistakes._

Sirius wasn’t sure at what point he sat down. He only became aware of his surroundings when James nudged him gently in the ribs, holding out a cigarette to him. Sirius took it, wordlessly, and lit it with the tip of his wand, taking the longest exhale he could and holding it for a few seconds, before letting it out slowly.

“Sirius-“ Remus began tentatively, but Sirius cut him off.

“Don't ” he said flatly before taking another drag of his cigarette. “Whatever you’re going to say” he sighed deeply, feeling utterly defeated. “Just don’t.”

“Its not your fault Sirius” James said firmly.

“What did I just say?” Sirius said, unable to summon any real anger behind the words. He was sure the rage would come eventually but right now, he just felt numb. Yet somehow strangely raw at the same time. He didn’t really know what to feel about it. All he knew was that he didn’t particularly want anyone prodding and poking his feelings right now.

“This was stupid” Sirius said quietly, to no-one in particular. “To think we could have a night where we escape from it all. There _is_ no escaping from it, is there? This is... life. This is war, permeating every single aspect of life. We can’t escape from it. It’s everywhere. Even here, the only place I ever thought was safe.”

“ _Sirius_ ” the pain in Remus’s voice took Sirius by surprise, and pulled him a bit closer to his senses. He turned to look at him, and was mildly surprised to find that Remus already had one of his arms slung over Sirius’s shoulders. He hadn’t even noticed.

“ _Please_ don’t talk like that” Remus said quietly to him. “You’re the only one who doesn’t get ground down by this war. And the rest of us need that. I don’t know what I’m going to do if you stop fighting.”

Sirius took a minute to let those words sink in, and to let the look on Remus’s face wash over him.

“You think I don’t get ground down by the war?” he asked Remus, finding that he was surprised, and a little pissed off, by this revelation. “You think I’m OK? Knowing that my brother is going to die fighting for the wrong side. That any of us could die fighting for the right side? That it probably doesn’t even matter what side you’re on, because you’re going to be royally fucked either way. You think that doesn’t get to me?”

“You don’t ever stop fighting” James chimed in, and Sirius looked to his other side, where James was wearing a fierce expression. “No matter how hard you get hit, you never stop fighting. You’re stronger than any of us, Sirius.”

Sirius wished that were true. He wished he could be this pillar of strength that they were all looking for. But he wasn’t sure that he was. He wasn’t sure that he could be. Maybe it was just hard headed stubbornness that had gotten him this far, but when the shit hit the fan, really, he was completely useless. Maybe he had finally broken, he’d been threatening to for years. He’s always thought it would happen with a big bang, but maybe this was more realistic. Maybe this was the way people really broke. Quietly, and without a struggle. Because they didn’t have the strength to fight anymore.

“I’m tired, James” was all Sirius could manage to actually say. He rubbed his eyes in frustration and was mildly surprised to find them wet. He hadn’t noticed that either.

“Me too, mate” James said quietly, patting him on the shoulder. “Maybe we should just call it a night, yeah?”

“No.”

It took Sirius a minute to register whose voice it was that said that, because he had rarely heard it so authoritative. He looked up at Peter, stood in front on him with both hands on his hips, wearing a stern expression.

“No” he repeated, in the same tone. “We are not ‘calling it a night.’ This is James’s stag, and we all made a promise to leave that other bullshit out of it and to pretend it isn’t happening, and have one hell of a good night, and I don’t know about you guys, but I fucking _need_ that. So we’re going to pick ourselves up, we’re going to forget about all the shit, and we are going to have a fucking stag do.”

“Pete” James said softly. ”We’ve already had a good night. Let’s just-“

“No!” Peter interrupted, clearly having none of it. “No ‘let’s just.’ This night is not over. Even if it wasn’t for what we’d said, we can’t leave it like this. We need to do something about this” Peter pointed at Sirius, who despite everything felt himself smile in amusement.

“Pete, you can’t just say ‘we’re going to have a good night’ and make it happen” James protested.

“Yes I can” Peter argued. “Yes WE can. We are the marauders. And we can do whatever the fuck we want.”

James exchanged a look with Sirius, one eyebrow raised in an incredulous manner.

“He’s got some spirit, this kid” James said.

Sirius felt the laugh start at the back of his throat. He thought it was just going to be a light chuckle but somehow it gained in momentum and spilled out of him. He started laughing full belly laughs, the sound echoing in the empty corridor, and he just couldn’t stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. At Peter trying to give a rousing speech, and making an absolutely terrible case. At the fact that they were having this conversation on the dungeon steps in the Hogwarts fucking castle, of all places. At the fact that not two hours prior to this they’d been throwing toilet paper all over the shrieking shack. At the fact that no matter how bad things got, he had these three mad bastards around him to pick him up. At the fact that Peter was going to get his wish, because of course they couldn’t end the night like this. Of course they were going to pick themselves up. They were the marauders. And they could do whatever the fuck they want.


	13. The Stag, pt 2

James ran as fast as he could, the sound of his hooves clanking on the stone floor echoing throughout the corridor. He was zig-zagging slightly and his antlers kept scraping the walls and the occasional suit of armour. He had felt sober enough during the whole thing with Sirius, but once the mood was lifted again the firewhisky running through his veins had gone straight back to his head. It wasn’t really possible to laugh while he was in his stag form, but if it was he would have been bursting with mirth. He hadn’t run free like this in a long time. And not just physically. Running back through these corridors felt like he was eleven again, discovering this wondrous place for the first time. Not a care in the world.

Out of nowhere, the dog caught up with him and dived at him from the side, effectively tackling him to the ground. The stag wasn’t particularly graceful on its back, and he struggled for a moment or two, slender legs thrashing in the air, before admitting defeat and changing back to his human form. Sirius continued to wrestle with him as the dog, pinning him down and lightly nipping at anywhere that he could.

“Get off, you stupid mutt” James laughed, pushing his head away. Sirius changed back into his human form too, and as soon as he had hands again he grabbed hold of James’s wrists, straddling him around the waist and holding him down. James struggled to overturn him but couldn’t manage it.

“Even when you’ve got great big bloody antlers you still can’t fight me off” Sirius grinned. “Pitiful.”

“You just wait” James countered, spotting the rat advancing towards them behind Sirius.

“For what?” Sirius laughed.

“For this!” Peter yelled, as he transformed in mid air, leaping at Sirius to tackle him sideways off of James. James couldn’t breathe for laughing.

“He’s going to pay for that” Remus said, appearing next to James from under the cloak and helping him up. Peter was indeed now wrestling with the large black dog again, which definitely looked to have the upper hand, and was standing on Peter’s torso as he laid flat on his back trying to fight it off.

“Worth it!” Peter yelled, as the dog burrowed into his neck. Judging by Peter’s high pitched squeals Sirius was nipping at the sensitive skin there.

“Alright, alright” James intervened, pulling Sirius away with both arms wrapped around the dog’s torso. Sirius didn’t go without a struggle, and tried to twist his head around to bite James, but couldn’t quite manage it.

“Pack it in” James told him, giving him a tap on the snout. Sirius changed back into himself and James released him.

“So what’s our next stop, then?” Remus asked, as though there had been no interruption to their previous conversation.

“Well, you guys are going to the astronomy tower” Peter replied, scrambling up from the floor. “But I’ll meet you there. I’ve got to stop off up at Gryffindor tower first.”

“What, why?” James asked, puzzled. If he was going to Gryffindor tower, why shouldn’t they all go? That had probably been the most important place in this whole castle to them. Their old dorm was marauders HQ. That’s was where it had all started. Where a great deal of it happened. But then again, on second thoughts, they couldn’t visit the dorm, could they? There would be a new batch of students sleeping there now. James felt a slight pang of sadness as he realised that. _Their_ dorm wasn’t theirs anymore.

“You’ll see” was all Peter said, before transforming into a rat and scurrying away.

“Pete, wait! What are you doing?!” Sirius called after him, but he didn’t turn back. He and Remus looked at James in bewilderment.

“I guess... We go to the astronomy tower?” Remus suggested. James supposed they had no choice now, that’s where Peter was going to find them again, so they slowly made their way there.

“What has gotten into him tonight?” James wondered aloud as they walked, shaking his head. “I’d have been fine just calling it a night after the Great hall. Really, that’s all I was expecting from tonight.”

“I think he feels guilty” Remus replied. “For not being around much this past year. I can see it on his face sometimes.” James was slightly taken aback by this. Honestly, he’d been so wrapped up with everything else going it that it hadn’t even occurred to him how little they’d seen of Peter lately. He dug around in his pocket for the packet of cigarettes, offering them to the other two before drawing one out for himself.

“We’re all busy, aren't we?” James shrugged as he lit it. “He can’t think we’d hold it against him.”

“Been a pretty hectic year, hasn’t it” Sirius replied darkly. “Can’t say I’d even noticed he wasn’t around, to be honest.”

“He was there at Lily’s parents’ funeral” James offered. “He still shows up for the important stuff.”

“Did you see him much while... while I was away?” Remus asked tentatively. James chanced a glance at Sirius, whose expression darkened at the mention of this, but he didn’t say anything, merely puffing away on his cigarette.

“Stopped by a couple of times” James replied to Remus. “But not much, no. We’ve seen him more at order meetings than anywhere else.”

“Do you think it’s strange that we’ve not had an order meeting in the past month?” Sirius interjected, frowning slightly. “Longer than that, even. We’ve not had once since before my trial.”

James frowned as well as he thought about that. With everything going on he hadn't realised that either. Maybe he ought to start paying more attention to what was going on around him.

“It’s a little strange” James said slowly, thinking it over. “I mean, things seems like they were escalating. I expected the order to be ramping up operations, but we’ve not been asked to do anything since Moody and Dumbledore told us to help you prep for your trial.”

“Yeah, it’s been radio silence on our end as well” Sirius told him. “Not that surprising for me, with the ministry so far up my arse, but Remus hasn’t had any new missions either.”

“I think Dumbledore’s giving me a break” Remus interjected . “My last _mission_ was pretty intense.”

“Funny, he’s never extended the rest of us that kind of courtesy” Sirius muttered. James scowled at this. He knew that Sirius was still resentful of the effects that Remus’s mission had had on him and that he largely blamed Dumbledore for that, but James didn’t entirely agree with it. Remus had chosen to take the mission, knowing what he going in to. And he had done it to try and save lives, it wasn’t like Dumbledore had sent him there just for fun. It was true that none of them really knew what the big picture plan was for the order, but that didn’t trouble James as much as it seemed to Sirius. James figured that it wasn't their place to know.

“Well me and Lils have a baby on the way” James reasoned. “Can’t exactly be jumping into the middle of a firefight, can we?”

“How are you doing with that, by the way?” Remus asked. “Are you ready with everything yet?” James let out a surprised laugh at the question.

“Mate, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready” he admitted. “Don’t get me wrong, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me” he hastened to add. “But...” He ran a hand through his hair and breathed out slowly. “It wasn’t exactly planned, right? And, I want to be good dad. I really, really want to get it right. I guess I thought I’d have more time, but...”

“I think he was talking more about, like, have you picked a pram yet” Sirius intoned. “But good to know where your head’s at” he grinned.

“Oh shit, did that sound completely awful?” James asked, as they reached the staircase leading up to the astronomy tower and began to climb up the steps.

“No, it didn’t sound awful at all” Remus replied seriously, patting him on the shoulder. “I’d be ten times more panicked if I were you.”

“Not least because in that scenario, I’d be the one who’s pregnant” Sirius added, at which they all laughed.

“Also, I’ve met werewolf kids” Remus pointed out. “Believe me, it’s a lot to handle.”

James smiled at him. The fact that he was starting to joke about it was a very encouraging sign.

“I know, right?” Sirius said, smirking. “We met this werewolf kid once, he was about eleven. The most devious little shit I ever came across. Taught me all kinds of swear words I’d never even heard before.”

“Not my fault you’re so impressionable” Remus replied calmly. “Anyway, as I recall YOU were the one who had a disturbingly extensive knowledge of hexes and jinxes that you were all too eager to pass on to the rest of us.”

“Hey, growing up pure blood you learn to hold your own or you get trampled on by the pack” Sirius argued. “It was a survival instinct.”

“There was _nothing_ survivalist about you hexing Snape on sight for about five years” Remus countered.

“Well he hexed me on sight for most of that time as well, actually, so it was pre-emptive self defence” Sirius declared, and Remus rolled his eyes.

“Oh, speaking of Snivellus” James chimed in as they reached the top of stairs, remembering that he’d been waiting to tell them this. “I never did tell you what he showed up at the funeral for, did I?”

“Lily said it was to offer his condolences to her” Sirius replied suspiciously. “Have you been holding out on us, Prongs?”

“She made me promise not to say anything, but I figured I’d tell you after the trial” James told him. “Didn’t think it would be a good idea for you to hunt him down and rip his head off while the ministry were still deciding whether to lock you up or not.”

“What did he do, James?” Sirius asked dangerously, his eyes narrowed. James faltered a little. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell him after all. His eyes darted to Remus, who put a hand on Sirius’s shoulder, as if to indicate that he would hold him back, if necessary. James looked back to Sirius, who was looking at him expectantly. He couldn’t exactly back down now.

“He, uh, he told her he loved her. Asked her to run off with him.”

“He fucking what?!” to James’s surprise, these words came from Remus, who looked gobsmacked. Sirius actually didn’t look altogether surprised by the news, although he was still scowling.

“Yeah” James replied to Remus a little sheepishly. “So it’s probably a good job she didn't let me talk to him with her. I might have knocked his lights out.”

“You and me both mate” Sirius replied gruffly. “Fucking scumbag.”

“I don’t think she really wanted to tell me, but Fab overheard the whole thing, so” James shrugged.

“I can’t believe he’d do that” Remus said, sounding shellshocked.

“Can’t you?” James asked incredulously. Of all of them, Remus probably had the greatest reason to hold a grudge against Snape, for the way he had treated him back at school, but he just wouldn’t do it for some reason. In spite of everything, Remus had this bizzare determination to see good in everyone. Or at least, to assume they wouldn’t sink to horrible depths. That probably had something to do with wizarding society always assuming the worst in him, James mused. But that was probably a topic to ponder over when he was a bit more sober.

“I mean, at her parents’ funeral?” Remus asked, looking slightly disgusted by the prospect.

“I know” James agreed. “It’s low, even for him.”

“She gave him what for, I assume?” Sirius asked, smirking.

“She gave him an earful from what I gather” James told him. “Said she would have hexed him into dust, but didn’t want to make a scene, you know, given the timing. She just threatened to have you and me kick his arse if he didn’t leave her alone.”

“That’s our girl” Sirius said proudly. James beamed.

“She said at the order meeting that he’d alluded to being in good with the death eaters” Remus pointed out. “Was that part of it?”

“Oh yeah, that was his main selling point, apparently” James replied. “Said he could keep her safe.”

“If he’s running around out there in a mask with Reg, then he’s sure as shit no safer than us” Sirius put out.

“He might not be” James shrugged. This was something the order had discussed on many occasions. Just because someone was known to associate with death eaters didn’t automatically mean they were one, and it was careless to assume so. Many people were coerced, or imperiused. Even ones who sympathised with the cause but didn’t join up shouldn’t necessarily be targeted by the order – their resources were better used taking down Voldemort’s foot soldiers, preventing them from doing further harm. Hiding behind a bully wasn’t exactly noble, but it wasn’t an offence punishable by death, as far as James was concerned. He knew that Sirius took a harder line on that than he did himself, so he generally tried to avoid the topic if he could.

“It doesn’t matter anyway” James went on. “She said she’d die before she stopped fighting for the right side.”

“She’s got some pluck, hasn't she?” Sirius smiled.

“ _She’s_ the strongest one of all of us, really” Remus agreed.

“Yeah she is” James said, thinking of how worried he was about being a good father, and about keeping his family safe in the current climate. And about Lily must be feeling the same thing, but magnified by about a thousand. James was _going_ to be a father, but Lily was already a mother. She was already carrying the baby with her.

“We should probably congratulate you, I suppose” Sirius mused. “On managing not to completely fuck it up and getting her to stick around with us.”

“What a lovely sentiment” James replied flatly.

Sirius looked like he was about to make some sort of witty retort, but at that moment they all heard a loud bang and saw a distant flash of red light out across the other side of the castle.

“What the fuck-?” James gasped, running over to the balcony with Sirius and Remus. They all made it there in time for the next explosion, which turned out to be a firework going off just above Gryffindor tower. A Dr Filibuster, by the looks of things, as it exploded into a shower of blue sparks, which then reformed into a great dragon which circled around the tower and few times before disappearing.

“That sneaky little rat” James said fondly, as they watched the next one – this time a yellow hippogriff soaring up and over the grounds. James noticed a few faces appear in the windows of Gryffindor tower, of students waking up and seeing what was happening.

“Did you know he was planning this?” James asked the others.

“Not a clue” Remus responded, while Sirius shook his head looking mildly impressed.

The three of them leaned against the edge of the balcony, watching the show. Peter must have seriously forked out for this set of fireworks. They boys knew Dr Filibuster products well, as they were an excellent pranking aid, and James knew this was a top of the line set. Every firework either formed into a different magical creature, or exploded into a number of smaller fireworks, which then kept multiplying until the bright sparks were covering half of the castle.

“Hey, did you-“ James began, about to ask Remus and Sirius if they had seen the smaller green firework dragon that had flown off into the distance, behind a load of purple sparks. However he cut himself off when he saw that Remus was stood behind Sirius, both his arms casually draped over Sirius’s shoulders and his head resting against the side of his boyfriend’s. Sirius was holding onto Remus’s arms with both hands, and looked extremely content. James decided to let them have this moment to themselves, and smiled quietly to himself, looking out at the fireworks again.

“Its just not a party without fireworks” Peter’s voice said behind him. James turned around and grinned at him, clapping him on the back as he joined them on the balcony.

“Mate, this is fucking brilliant” he told him.

“I thought so” Peter said smugly.

“Guess this calls for another toast, then” Remus said. He had extricated himself from Sirius and was now digging around in the backpack for the firewhisky.

“Thank God for that” Sirius chimed in. “I was starting to sober up there.”

The four of them laughed as James conjured some new glasses and Remus poured them each a round.

“To mischief and mayhem” James suggested, raising his glass towards the middle.

“To marauding” Peter added, and they all clinked their glasses together, then sipped their drinks as they watched the shower of sparks and shapes continue to rain down upon the castle.

-

They were so smashed by the time they left the castle that James had very little memory of doing so. Peter’s fireworks display had served the dual purpose of diverting any staff who were still out of bed up to Gryffindor tower, so they had made it back through the castle without running into anyone. There had been no crawling, so this time they must have taken one of the other passages out of the castle. James wasn’t 100% sure exactly how they had gotten there, but they were now back in Hogsmeade, sat on a bench at the top of the hill looking down over the town.

He had no idea what time it was, but the darkness seemed to be giving way to light, so it must be near sunrise. Sirius and Remus were slumped against each other, fast asleep. James knew he probably should be more tired, but he felt strangely wired. He didn’t think he could sleep if he tried. Besides, Peter was still awake to keep him company, and this seemed like a fine place to relax for a while. They had a couple of rooms at an inn down in the town somewhere, but James knew that as soon as they headed back there the night would be over. And even though it probably _was_ over at this point, he wasn’t quite ready for it to be yet.

“You had a good night then?” Peter asked him, his words a little slurred, but this was more likely due to the lateness of the hour than alcohol consumption. They'd stopped drinking hours ago.

“The best” James smiled warmly, still looking down over Hogsmeade. The sleepy little village that had no idea of the carnage that had taken place here tonight. He pulled the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, that was by now slightly battered after all the roughhousing they’d been doing over the course of the night. James was extremely pleased to find upon opening it that not only were the contents unharmed, but there were exactly two cigarettes left. He passed one on to Peter and lit the other for himself.

“Do you think we’ll ever do this again?” James wondered. Peter took so long to respond that James had to turn around and look at him to make sure he hadn’t fallen asleep.

“Course we will” Peter replied, but he looked doubtful. James figured that that was his answer as well. In his heart, he knew that they could probably never do anything like this again, but it wouldn’t be on at all to admit defeat. They could always hope.

“I’m really sorry, James” Peter said sincerely. James took a minute to register what he’d said, as it had come rather out of the blue, and blinked at him confusedly.

“What for?” he asked. “You’ve been ace tonight, mate.”

“For... everything before tonight” Peter replied, looking like he didn’t know quite how to say whatever it was that he wanted to say. If James were in a clearer state of mind he might have pressed him further to figure out what he meant by that, but as it was his brain was currently very sluggish and heavy. It was very late, and there had been a lot of alcohol.

“It’s fine, it doesn’t matter” he said airly, thinking vaguely of his conversation with Sirius and Remus earlier, where they had talked about Peter not being around much for the past year. “We’ve all got our things, man.”

“I _want_ to be better” Peter told him. “I do... I just... I don’t know” Peter muttered thoughtfully. “I wish I was brave like you.”

“I’m not brave” James countered automatically. He was quite certain he wouldn’t admit that so freely in any other scenario, but his mouth seemed to have a mind of its own at the moment. “I’m scared, all the time, mate. All the time.”

“Me too” Peter said quietly.

They sat side by side in silence for a long time, until they saw a glow of orange start to grow on the horizon, bathing the town below them in the morning sunlight. Sirius stirred next to him, but didn’t wake up. James absent mindedly ruffled Sirius’s hair while he slept.

“We’ve always got each other” James said quietly, more to himself than to anyone else. He heard Peter hum vaguely in agreement next to him. He was probably falling asleep, but James didn’t bother to look, just continued to watch the sunrise.

“Yeah” he muttered, smiling warmly. “Always got each other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know I don’t exactly have a huge fan base or anything, but I’m aware there are people who enjoy my works and who are enjoying this story. So I wanted to say a little bit about the likelihood of another instalment in this series.
> 
> Where we left the boys in this fic seems like a fine place to end it, but I did always intend to take this story right up to the death of the Potters, and I did always intend for it to be more or less cannon. A couple of issues with that are becoming increasingly apparent though.
> 
> Firstly, the reason I find the marauders in general, but wolfstar in particular so compelling, is that I think what these stories are really about is finding a spark of joy in an otherwise very dark place. A theme that obviously resonates with anyone who’s experienced mental illness. The problem with that is, that with the war increasing in intensity and the walls closing in on our characters (and the unfortunate knowledge of how it all ends) it’s increasingly hard to find these moments of levity, and even harder to make them feel authentic, and not shoehorned in. 
> 
> The second problem is Peter bloody Pettigrew. He’s conspicuously absent from a lot of marauders fics, including my own, and that because he’s SO hard to write. It’s hard to write Peter as one of the good guys knowing what we do about what he’s going to do. All we really know about what Peter was like in his school days from the source material is that he could never really keep up with James and Sirius, but that he idolised James. Even though we only know snippets about the other three, I feel like their characters are fleshed out so much better. So then, the logical thing to do is to write Peter as more of a tag-along. He’s there, but he doesn’t have much of a role. That doesn’t really work either, because the other three have such distinctive personalities that having someone without much character just looks odd next to them. And besides anything else, Peter needs to be a significant character, precisely because of what’s going to happen.
> 
> Here’s the thing. James and Sirius were like brothers, that’s what everyone says. But based on anecdotal evidence, people who knew Sirius believed him to be the one who sold out James to Voldemort. The only way that makes sense at all, is that it has to be even more unlikely that Peter was the traitor. It has to be so ludicrous an idea that Peter could betray James, that it wasn’t even worth considering. Peter has to be a valued part of the marauders. 
> 
> Peter also needs to be in the next instalment of this story a lot more, as Voldemort is manipulating him and using him to get information on the order. We need to see Peter struggle with this, his fear battling with his moral compass. I’m not quite sure yet how to write that. I feel like using Peter’s POV would give too much away. Even though we know how it ends, it’s still a journey to get there.
> 
> I have an outline for the next fic, taking us right up until Sirius’s arrest. I want to write it, I really do. But it’s going to take a long time. And it might not be possible to write it the way I want to in the style I’ve adopted so far. But I’ll give it a go.


End file.
